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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been seeing a man for 18 months and it has been wonderful.

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I have been seeing a man for 18 months and it has been wonderful. He gets along well with my family. He told me there is chemistry between us and that I am stealing his heart piece by piece. He spends a lot of time at my place and often stays over. He is affectionate and kind and we have never had a disagreement. I am a widow and one weekend while we were away he told me he dreamt of my late husband and he asked him to show him a sign that he was ok with us being together. The sign was that when we drove home, the first motorbike we saw would be a BMW GS (the bike my late husband rode) well we saw it and for him that was the confirmation he needed. Well about. Month ago he told me I was a beautiful sensual woman but there was no connection, I was confused but didn't challenge him on this. Before that I had asked him to come to my birthday bash and he said yes. Didn't think now that he would come, but he did and he bought me a designer watch and a stunning necklace. He has stopped texting everyday but when he does I answer. Last week I didn't put the usual mwah xxx to my text and he asked where it was. Recently he came round for supper and stayed over and we had such a nice evening. He told me about girlfriends he has ad in the past and how he had been hurt. Then I also realized that his ex wife had also hurt him because she asked for the divorce. Is he using me or have is feelings for me sent him into back off mode because he can't handle it and is scared to commit? He still has clothes at my place and is going with me to my sons birthday party next month.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about the time he changed his behaviors towards you? You said you were having a wonderful relationship but then he stated he did not feel really connected with you, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Besides of having reduces the frequency of his texting which other behaviors or issues have you noticed have been affecting your relationship?

Customer: It was very sudden and unexpected. We were actually out for drinks when he said it. Then when we came home to mine I went to make food and he was all over me in the kitchen. Just didn't make sense. He has not been texting everyday like he used to so I have given him his space and answer his messages. He still calls me babes and sends mwah xxx. It's confusing
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you asked him directly why he has reduced his messages this much? If you did, what was his response?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is this the only change you have noticed, or has he also presenting other behaviors that concern you?

Customer: No I haven't. He did tell me he was a free spirited gypsy biker but then he also told me he didn't want to be alone forever. I don't want to push him into somewhere he doesn't want to be or appear needy and clingy. That would probably scare him off completely. My gut feeling tells me he has feelings for me and that's why he doesn't want to make a complete break. Might be wrong though!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, it does make sense what you say and I agree that pushing him would never help, and as long as he keeps in touch with you, expresses affection and keeps sharing with you this much, I think it is totally worthy to be patient and see how this relationship evolve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unless he happens to radically change his behaviors, it could be fine, while you would continue to promote further openness, trust, intimacy and support, for him to feel more comfortable and understood by you, hoping he would do the same in the relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let's hope that his statement around not feeling this deep connection with you changes for better, and that he allows his wounding from past relationships to heal. Depending on how healthy and fulfilling this relationship happens to be, he would allow himself to trust you even more and to attach and commit himself to it too.

Customer: There has been no other radical change as yet. I wasn't sure if I should cut my losses and move on or play it cool. While he is in backing up mode ha can sort out his thoughts and decide what he wants to do. Thanks for your advice.
Customer: Am I right not to initiate contact at this stage?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand. Based on your words I support your plan of not pushing him and giving him. Since he continues to be affectionate and respectful towards you, and sharing this much, I do think it could be helpful to show how much you care about him and the relationship taking these initiatives. Contacting him would be consistent with your affection and expectations as long as you continue respecting his boundaries.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus unless he tells you not to contact him this often, I do not see any problem with it. One extreme would be pushing him, and the other to end communication while he stills shows affection, respect and shares with you the way he currently does.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could ask him how often is it fine with him to keep communication via text messages, phone or through other means, for you to be clear about what he wants and expects from you, and try to share the same, for him to understand you better. Then everything else would be about time, for you to see if he works on deepening your relationship or not.

Customer: Thanks. Will keep my messages brief and supportive. You have been a great help.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me for any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer: Thank you. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello again, I took your advice and have been supportive and understanding and have given him his space. He still visits and this morning he told me I am special and that we will get there but he has to sort his mind out first. Also said he appreciates what I do for him and apologized for not voicing his appreciation enough. We have both been back on the dating sites but he has cancelled his. Says he did meet some other girls and does chat with them via whatsapp but they just friends. Seems like he does want more than friendship from me but his mind is not right and he is not ready. We have arranged to go out on Wednesday and he is coming with me on sat to my sons birthday bash. We had also arranged to go to a rock concert next year and I asked him if he still wanted to go with me, he said it was a given and of course he wanted to go with me. Thanks again. Jenny
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jenny

I am glad to hear that you were able to allow yourself to work on this situation this assertively, and consistently taken actions towards showing his understanding and support, while being honest and sharing more what you feel and hope. The fact that he has closed his account at the dating site sounds like a step forward for sure, but since you are still sharing more like friends that as a committed couple, as long as you feel comfortable with it, it would be worthy, he seems to be improving, and that's very good. Everything from now on would be about consistency in your-his actions. If you really want to promote the best chances, I'd suggest you not to continue actively participating of these dating sites, unless your agreement or expectations were compatible with looking for and sharing with other people at that level.

I feel hopeful about your news and wish you further growth and fulfillment from this experience.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach