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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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I have been seeing a lady for about 3 years now, and the relationship

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I have been seeing a lady for about 3 years now, and the relationship has become very strained for various reasons on both of our parts. I have within the past couple of months decided to go on a dating site and start dating others. I have mentioned my...whatever you want to classify her as to NO ONE except this one who is a school teacher and shares a lot of similarities as Sherry my girlfriend, ex girlfriend, whatever she might be. Sherry is also a teacher. Brigitte is a local school teacher, and Sherry is from about 2 hours away and teaches at a private school. I have bounced ideas off of Brigitte concerning Sherry electing to teach at a private school for half the income of that of a public school teacher with no future, no benefits, and no retirement. Brigitte has let me know she is VERY romantically attracted to me. I have let Brigitte know I am just not there yet and we have to take things slow, I am still in love with Sherry. It will take time to get over her, and that the best relationships start out as a friendship first! She agreed. Now the truth is, I really am not attracted to her because she is a fat disgusting slob. But I could possibly over look the weight, probably not, but maybe. I can not over look her gutter mouth. A joke here and there once you come to know one another can be funny. But after three dates, and it is almost always X-rated conversation then I no longer view you as a "Lady" but more as a whore! This morning she texts me "Good Morning" to which I replied to. Immediately she lets me know she has found Sherry online! My blood pressure shot through the roof. I said really? What's her last name? She got it! She found the school, her last name, contact info. everything. I told her wrong Sherry, wrong school. I then proceed to tell her why would you even look? Brigitte has dated others and I said I have NEVER interfered in anyway whatsoever. She exclaimed she was just bored and looking around. Then says maybe she will send her a friend request on Facebook? A person does not behave this way unless you have a motive. In other words she knows I am not that attracted to her so if she eliminates what I am attracted to, what I have been deeply in love with for 3 years, then she can have me all to herself...is the way I perceive it. And do you think that will really work, or do you think that would push me further away from your fat disgusting gutter mouth whore ass? I am in a state of PISSED OFF right now that I can't even begin to describe it. I know how I would like to deal with this, but last time I checked that was illegal! Why would a person do this and what advice would you give me to talk to her once I cool down enough to talk to her if I EVER talk to her again. Thank you for your time. Your reply will have to be entered as text. I can not chat.

Steven
Oh oh....you ARE in a mess. You are so wise to wait until you have cooled down. Then you should say "Brigette I am very upset (or another appropriate word than describes how you feel) that you have looked up Sherry and are even thinking of contacting her. Although I know you have a right to look anywhere you want on the internet, it feels like a violation of my privacy. I talked to you in confidence and this feels like a betrayal. It is causing me to view you with less respect.

I do not want you to send Sherry a friend request or get in the middle of this in any way. I was talking to you as a good friend and I am hoping we can stay good friends BUT this behavior is making me want to end our friendship."

You might want to let Sherry know that an intrusive person named Brigette might friend request her.

Thanks for coming to JA to vent and I hope this advice is helpful
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Would it make you question Brigitte's motive as to "Why" she would go find Sherry on the internet? Brigitte explained she did it out of sheer boredom. I have never been that bored! I believe she has an agenda and I'm not sure that I can ever trust her again. Would you let this go and forgive it or if the relationship was still brand new, nothing really invested, would now be a good time to end it with her before any real damage is done?

I can understand you difficulty trusting her. I think it is more than boredom too simply because she is interested in you romantically. I don't know if she would do anything to sabotage your relationship with Sherry. If you do not think you can EVER trust her, then, I would end it. If you think she could regain your trust, then forgive but keep a boundary and be very clear that it is just friendship.
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