Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
sorry had technical issues
I am very sorry
were you able to review my question?
it's a long winded description...;)
There were no technical issues,
I am sorry for that.
oh, I wasn't sure so I rebooted everything a few times.
Let me read your question now that the question has been released by that expert
ok no problem
I a sorry for this problem, it was out of my control.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Le me read your question. Thanks.
I am sorry to know about his loss, and to see how this has been this challenging to you
thank you for your kind words
it has been...I don't know what I feel really in all this anymore.
i start to really question myself and that it's me asking for too much and I should just BE happy
Please tell me why you felt this overwhelemed to the point of ending the call the way you did?
i was angry and sad at the same time...torn because I care and love him but also feeling like I want more time with him.
i want to be intimate and do things together...plan our future, but I feel like I have one foot in and the other out.
it seems like there is always something distracting him or us, whether our set-up that we work together or his family members dying, but when we are together like the other day, I hug him and know that I love him.
Just the very sad and painful feeling you reported before, since it's been like you have felt neglected for too long in this relationship, right?
yes, but then I try to shake it off, like it's me being too sensitive or something
and then when I make myself busy with other things, then I feel him wanting to spend more time...I start to be happy doing other things then he wants to hang and it's just confusing to me.
You said he has been this way for most of the relationship and only gave more attention when you started focusing on taking better care of yorruself, right?
I think he has been trying to cope with this unresolved grief from previous loss, his father's health situation and now his death, but at the same time it is obvious you have felt neglected here since he has been too focus on everything around his family and not shown consistent caring and commitment in your relationship.
Did he ever apologized because of his reaction when you apparently ended the relationship and he asked when you were going to get your stuff, and did not show much caring?
I think that's the episode you mentioned the other day about
You commented his reaction did not show empathy nor caring, did I get that right?
I've learned that he deals with his emotions later and acts as if nothing happend in the beginning.
like his dad passing...he treated it like project management and to get out of there after saying goodbye.
he said he didn't want me to fly there and that he could use my support by being home for when the stuff hits him later.
I just can't help but think I could be happier sometimes.
Then what I see is that while his core fault in this relationship has been how much he has been neglecting it because of his own unresolved grief and family responsibilities, you felt good with him, but then when this break up incident happened, his behavior was just very painful since it did not show he cared, but reinforced the neglectful approach, right?
even happier alone, but then I thought that the first time I broke up with him and then ran back
That shows how powerfully attached you are to this person
and your fears about being alone
but we have NOT been intimate since several months and prior to the break up it was getting very stuck, like we weren't moving forward.
yes, I definitely think I have issues of being alone
I grew up with a twin/identical sister so I think there are some things there..
It's obvious you have been having a tough time, truly overwhelming trying to cope with this conflict of feelings, between your attachment and affection, and his problems limiting his ability to be more present and reciprocal in the relationship.
yes, and I don't want to be a "needy" girfriend.
This is very long period of time for a couple not to be sexually intimate, what could be related to his grief and stress, but it does not make it easier for you for sure.
i wonder if being alone is what I should do...as scary as it might be, sometimes I wonder if it should be...
Our personal issues from the past do always affect us in multiple ways, but we can and should change their impact if we do work on healing from them.
yes, it is a long time and we had issues before I broke up...he keeps a lot of stress in and went to the doctor to make sure he was OK. he was.
so it was stress related in the beginning but now it's one thing after another...
yes, I think healing from them is very important.
I guess I'm torn where to stand at this point.
It's been tough for both of you in very different ways it seems
yes, I think so.
You said you were going to consider continue with individual therapy, what happened with that?
I just want to be happier and I spend a lot of energy thinking about this...
having to find someone that is not too expensive AND reputable is challenging to find.
I do totally support that. I think each of you need to work on your own healing. Obviously he has been doing that all this time, but you have felt very neglected and you have very good reasons to feel this way, you have been neglected. There were concrete reasons for him to justify many behaviors, but on the other hand the pattern and long term of this neglect is not healthy for you at all.
I guess I can try to find someone,
Yes, affording therapy is an issue for many people, but it is necessary and worthy to find a good professional you could afford to work on yourself.
yes, so I always see both sides to the story and it can make things more challenging.
Please do also consider online counseling, it could be more affordable and you could find as good or better expertise that what is available locally.
I've been very happy with our chats and I thought I would try it again today.
In case you want to consider it, I am also willing to support you with confidential counseling via Skype in case you want to try and feel it works for you, in case you do not find a good professional locally.
Ok, I appreciate that! what do you charge?
I think there is nothing more challenging than relationships, specially those we have with partners, they are truly tough many times, since they trigger and challenge so much in us.
yes, but I'm not married and I wonder if this is too much time I'm spending when maybe there is someone better??
(eek, I feel bad saying that outloud)
We could discuss a plan that could work for you. regularly I do charge $70 for a 60 minutes session.
Please do not feel bad about you being truthful and honest with yourself,, since it is your need, right and responsibility to be this way, in order to take good care of yourself and not to self-sabotage.
ok. I've never done a skype therapy session, but it's sounding like an idea to try
I do not think it is healthy nor wise to deny reality, any aspect of it, since we would end regretting it later when feeling dissatisfied, unhappy or alone even when into a relationship.
yeah, I'm just exhausted with it all, really. i think I"m going to break up and then hang out and then I'm fine and then hang out with my girlfriends and complain and let it out and then go back to the relationship like it's fine. (that's the part that makes me feel a little "crazy"
No problem, I think it is worthy. Many people could even benefit from text chat only, and feel more comfortable not being observed,, each person is different and unique, no way to know but by trying it.
Right, is this lack of stability and not having any control of what has been going on, with the frustration and pain, fear and lack of fulfillment it brings what makes it much harder.
I'm not clear on your last statement...
I think it is necessary for each of you to work on yourselves as individuals, since your personal experiences have been deeply affecting the way you have played a role in this relationship, and unless you take care of that, these issues would continue.
yes, I've felt all of those: frustration, pain, lack of fulfillment for sure.
I wonder if that's possible while we are in the relationship...
You have not had any control in the way this relationship has evolved, since he has not allowed this to happen, for you to have this intimacy, connection and reciprocity where you could be there for each other, he has been systematically pushing you away because of his own pain and personal problems
That's why it becomes so frustrating, since no matter if you are in the relationship, the way it has been evolving has just not worked for you at all, that'w why you have felt this way.
ok. so you're suggesting we each work on ourselves individually while in the relationship.
I am willing to support you with confidential counseling of you want to try it. regardless of your preferences, please do get counseling to work on yourself to better cope with this situation, since you do nor need nor deserve more pain.I think each of you need to work on yourselves independently, with individual counseling, whether you happen to be or not in the relationship.
yes, the key is how do I explain this to him?
If this person truly cares about you and wants to work on healing and building your relationship, even after a break out, he would focus on his healing and growth process, in order to be able to be there for you as a healthy and supportive, loving and understanding partner, with no further neglect.
By being %100 honest and open, no other way to do it assertively.
ok. yes, I think he needs a lot of healing as well.
You bet he does.
Please consider my offer for a counseling session, where i coudl support you better for you to work on yourself and coping with this situation better.
ok. I will try being honest with him, although it scares me because I think he will think I'm breaking up with him like i did before, but I think that was the same feeling I felt before...unsatisifed for all the same reasons, but this time I can say, look we both need healing and I think we need to do it separately.
OK, how would i contact you?
Or look for affordable counseling locally, it is very important.
You could just send me a message through this means and we'll schedule a date and time for your session when best for you.
If you want to schedule the session now we could do it too, no problem.
ok, is $70 firm or would you allow payment plan?
We could work on a payment plan for sure in order for this to work for you the best possible way.
ok., I appreciate it!
I could do next Wed.?
No problem. Take your time and let me know. Just contact me using this post and I will reply as soon as possible.Sure, at what time? and what's your location?
I just want to make sure our times match
i'm Central Standard TIme
Good. Thanks. Then Wednesday, 30th. At what time?
but it can depend on the hour, but I'm thinking around 9 p.m. or so...
can we keep it tentative and I can ping you via this post? (sometimes it can be later or earlier...but estimating 9
I will reserve this time for you for this date
or i might need to talk before Wed. depending on how the rest of my week goes!
I have to figure out Skype. Do you have a skype name?
Yes, I do but lets' do this in order to protect our private information. I will reduce what you were charged for this chat in order for you not to pay extra for this first counseling session, and I will give you my Skype ID. Is that fine with you?
Then if the charge was going to be $70, I will reduce it to $50 this time.
You would not rate this session but wait for me to change it to posting mode, and from there I will be able to send this contact information and the system will charge you this other amount.
ok. so the reduced payment of $50 will be paid through this website and will be paid to you, correct?
Good, then give me a minute to make this change and I will send you request, you would review it and accept if everything looks fine for you.
The website will give me a portion of what you pay.
so how much am i paying today?
The website would be charging you the initial amount you offer for this question plus the $50 for the counseling session
oh I see...so I'm paying in advance for the next session, correct?
I unknown how much you were charged, but I know how much I set the cost for a counseling session with you as my client.
ok. so if something comes up where I can't do it Wed. is there a way to notify you?
Otherwise the system would require you to post another question, with a new charge for us to be able to set this initial session. Then it is better to do it this way.
ok, i see what you're saying now...
Yes, you would just need to update this question and i will know and reply.
OK., but I will plan to do Wed. evening as best as possible.
I do work online then I reply within minuted or an hour, that's not a problem and can adjust my schedule as much as you may need it. rescheduling is not a problem.
ok, I will wait for your post mode in order to rate this session, right?
Yes, please do not rate it now or it will not allow me to offer the counseling session. But as soon as you get the request, then you will rate it.
thank you very much....so wait, I get the request in my email inbox, then, correct?
ok. so I will just go to my email and leave this session as is.
You're very welcome, Thank you for your trust. I will send it in a couple of minutes.
ok. this has been helpful and yes, I will check my email. thank you again!!!
You're welcome Thanks and bye for now.
understood. I will not rate it until I receive a confirmation "go ahead" from you in a future email note.
I'll plan for Wed. in the meantime.