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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5095
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I have been married for 40 years, husband has never been very

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 40 years, husband has never been very interested in sex. i am 62 and he is 66 and he never touches, kisses, hugs me or have any physical contact. i have asked and told him i need this for at least 11 years, he watches porn of black men with a white wife. he loves looking at black cocks. he has always wanted to watch me with another man while he watched. i never have.. we are both caucasion. i wonder if he is gay. lately when we are in public he is very friendly with men. he has never been friendly, has always been a loner. never wants to be with other people how do i find out of he is gay and maybe not impotent at all? what should i do?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 8 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

The system says you are offline right now, so type in a hello when you come back online so we can get started, okay?

Customer:

i am online now, i dont know how to do the chat

Customer:

hello

Dr. Mark :

Hi. This sounds very hurtful and devestating.

Dr. Mark :

You are clearly at the end of your rope accepting things as they are.

Dr. Mark :

So first, I want to just express how much I can imagine this is so difficult for you.

Dr. Mark :

You've lived for most of you life now knowing that you're normal and have normal needs

Customer:

yes it is. i have never felt loved by my husband. pretty much, but i feel like i deserved to be loved too. i keep my mouth shut as much as possible, because he always contridicts my word

Dr. Mark :

and that something isn't right with your husband.

Dr. Mark :

So, this is not just a problem in terms of physical intimacy,

Dr. Mark :

it's also a problem of him not really being able to have emotional connection

Dr. Mark :

is that right?

Customer:

i wonder if he is gay or has he molested children and interested in them. yes he strays away from any conflict, or working on problems. he just wants things to be smoothe all the time. he basically never told our 3 children no and now he does it with our grandchildren

Dr. Mark :

I can't tell you for sure he's not gay, or is gay for that matter,

Dr. Mark :

but

Dr. Mark :

I can tell you that most of the time, when a man is emotionally closed off in a marriage,

Dr. Mark :

that's not an indication that he IS gay.

Dr. Mark :

But let's take a moment about this not saying no:

Dr. Mark :

does that mean that he has a warm, giving, two way relationship with his children and grandchildren? How about other people in general?

Customer:

he always does and gives of himself to me, children and grandchildren. he gives way too much, but he doesnt show any affection with any of them. he has always let our 8 yr old grandson sleep with him. he still does when he is around him. so i guess he is warm, i mean hes friendly and does for them.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, that's--strange as it sounds--reassuring.

Dr. Mark :

Why?

Dr. Mark :

Because there is a consistency here: he is emotionally cut off from himself.

Customer:

he really does not have any other people in his life. he speaks to his parents, but never calls his 4 brothers in california. i beg him to call them, but he does not. he does not have any friends, basically is a loner

Dr. Mark :

If he were emotionally variable: open emotionally with some people but not his closest people, like his wife, then we'd be in much more difficult waters,

Dr. Mark :

if you could imagine that

Dr. Mark :

(I hope that made you smile.)

Dr. Mark :

The black penis fetish is not necessarily a symptom of homosexuality.

Dr. Mark :

It sounds more like a fetish then a sexual preference.

Dr. Mark :

The difference clinically?

Dr. Mark :

A fetish is an obsession.

Dr. Mark :

It represents a symbolic expression of an internal distress.

Dr. Mark :

It is most common in people who cannot access their own emotions easily or express emotion easily.

Dr. Mark :

So, the expression of a black penis can very well be a symbolic representation for him (without his realizing it, subconsciously) of a lack of his own libido and ability to feel like he could be exciting to women.

Dr. Mark :

There then becomes a need to be removed from that fear, the observer. Watch the woman who HE should be pleasing,

Dr. Mark :

being pleased by the potent male: the black.

Dr. Mark :

He's from the generation where that was the popular cultural belief: black men are more virile; white women secretly want a black man's penis, etc.

Dr. Mark :

I see you're typing, I'll wait...

Customer:

i have never told him no when he has wanted sex, i tell him it was great. Even when he was potent, he was still obsessed with with a threesome, me and a guy, while he watched and them joined in. i have always told him black men were not appealing to me, i could not see ever even touching a black man.

Dr. Mark :

Right. You need to not treat his behavior as if it was only related to that moment. Meaning,

Dr. Mark :

because he was potent, that does not mean he was normal or 100% fine.

Dr. Mark :

He was not.

Dr. Mark :

The problem was present then.

Dr. Mark :

The fetish was already present.

Dr. Mark :

That he could function sexually had to do with youth, effort, and many other factors, not "normalcy". Does that make sense?

Customer:

please explain how and why he was not normal and what exactly is the problem..

Dr. Mark :

We know that the problem is very long term. Thus, it is not a behavioral issue--that he just got into a bad behavioral pattern.

Dr. Mark :

Rather,

Dr. Mark :

there is a deeper psychodynamic problem(s) that have been going on for him probably since childhood.

Dr. Mark :

Rather,

Dr. Mark :

A person doesn't become unable to be close emotionally just like a light switch being turned off.

Dr. Mark :

things somehow didn't form correctly for him in youth.

Dr. Mark :

And it really affected his sexuality.

Dr. Mark :

You have soldiered on for many years trying self help tools and techniques

Dr. Mark :

to get him to open up, enjoy, etc. in a normal way,

Dr. Mark :

but he needs professional help.

Dr. Mark :

Would he be willing to go?

Dr. Mark :

You've threatened to leave, is that enough to get him to seek professional help?

Customer:

no, i truly was thinking about suicide, and was in my garage in my car, going to turn my car on. then i came to my; senses, i told him this and he had no response. i do think he might be willing to go however we live in a very small town and there are not any availble for some distance. what exactly has made you think this is from childhood? why do you think he may not be gay and perhaps has struggled with his sexuality most of his life?

Dr. Mark :

I can only repeat the above to answer the gay and childhood questions:

Dr. Mark :

You describe what sounds like a fetish,

Dr. Mark :

and fetishes are very deep seated problems that are psychodynamic in origin.

Dr. Mark :

He also

Dr. Mark :

has difficulties with emotional expression, another sign.

Dr. Mark :

Is he definitely not gay?

Dr. Mark :

I can't attest to it.

Dr. Mark :

What are the chances?

Dr. Mark :

Probably less than 30-40%. Does that help on that front?

Customer:

yes sir it does. i have prayed for 35 years asking why he doesnt find me desireable, and what is wrong with me. i thought it would be easier to deal with this rejection if he was gay. at least i could understand why he wasnt interested. for many years i thought he had molested one of our daughters, because he treated her so much differently than our other 2 kids. everyone noticed it, and we confronted him about it. he always said it was not so. he is very close to her.

Dr. Mark :

One of the biggest problems with being a good person, and you ARE a good person is

Dr. Mark :

that when other people do not behave in normal ways,

Dr. Mark :

your first instinct is that something must be wrong with you.

Dr. Mark :

So, my first job is for you to recognize that this is not a problem in you

Dr. Mark :

technically, it's not your problem.

Dr. Mark :

It is a problem in him, it is his problem. Do we agree?

Customer:

yes i do agree this is his problem, but i feel like it is mine also since we are married and live together daily.

Customer:

what can i do to help him react and be normal?

Dr. Mark :

This is why I need you to recognize that he has a problem.

Dr. Mark :

And now the second part--before we can really talk about what you can do:

Dr. Mark :

you can't help him learn to be normal.

Dr. Mark :

He needs professional help.

Dr. Mark :

You're his wife, he needs a trained psychologist/therapist who is also a sex therapist most likely.

Dr. Mark :

Your role, how you can help

Dr. Mark :

is that you can go to therapy with him.

Dr. Mark :

Because men have a tough time with it at first and so they tend to say everything is fine and that's it.

Dr. Mark :

With you being there in therapy with him, it will "move" and work will begin to be done.

Dr. Mark :

You may need to take trips in to a metro area for this.

Dr. Mark :

You may find someone who works with Skype so that in between trips, work can be done in Skype

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

ok, it presents a difficulty due to time conflict, he still works full time. he has taken off alot since i have had 4 heart attacks and last year breast cancer. he has never talked to me about any of this. so taking the time off is the problem and finding one in oklahoma city of amarillo, texas. what time frame in your professinoal opinion would this take>

Dr. Mark :

You've been through so much, I guess I want to ask you if it's too much for you?

Customer:

also i am computer challenged, it dont know how to do skype

Dr. Mark :

If you need to leave and try to unwind from his situation you've been "twisting" yourself around for so long?

Dr. Mark :

I'm not worried about technology as much as your life...

Customer:

it is too much, however, i do not have the means to support myself and even if i was to be employed it would not be enough for me to support myself. for 39 years i have stayed because i was truly in love with him. he has hurt me so much emotionally i dont think i love him any more. i feel totally trapped in my life and feel like there is no hope. he's not going to change or give me any attention. i am trying to accept that this is the way my life will be like til death.

Dr. Mark :

Do you have no family that would help you? Grown kids that would help you?

Dr. Mark :

Do you have no access to working at Walmart even and paying for a little apartment?

Customer:

i do have grown children, however i stayed with one daughter for 4 weeks while going thru radiation, and the other daughter for 3 weeks for the final radiation. i think it was too much on them with their kids. i might be able to get a secretarial job if i reallly looked, thats what i have done in the past. but afraid employers would not hire a 61 year old, computer challenged person. working at walmart wouldnt' even begin to pay for a little apartment.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, good, we're getting started here.

Dr. Mark :

I'll try one more approach and then you tell me whether you really don't want to leave:

Dr. Mark :

Can you get those two children together with you and discuss with them your situation (you don't have to go into gory details) and ask them to help you with finding resources as they are more comfortable with technology, etc.?

Dr. Mark :

That is women's organizations that might help you with services?

Dr. Mark :

Places to live,

Dr. Mark :

job applications, etc.

Dr. Mark :

Is that a step to take?

Customer:

thats a possibility.

Dr. Mark :

And does it make you more hopeful?

Dr. Mark :

Or does it make you feel like you want to stay and try to make it work with him?

Customer:

it makes me more hopeful but very afraid of change.

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I can only imagine. It is very scary.

Dr. Mark :

Second,

Dr. Mark :

The first thing is that our discussion has helped you recognize that you're not the problem. That's huge.

Dr. Mark :

let's make changes not so big and thus not so scary, okay?

Dr. Mark :

How about talking with your two children to brainstorm and just see what might be options?

Dr. Mark :

In other words, not committing to any changes?

Customer:

thats certainly a possibility

Dr. Mark :

You see, I want you to feel hopeful in life.

Dr. Mark :

You are a good person.

Dr. Mark :

Clearly your children love you.

Dr. Mark :

You've done good things.

Dr. Mark :

You've also taken a lot and you feel like you don't want to take any more.

Dr. Mark :

I can support that.

Dr. Mark :

I can also support that change is scary.

Dr. Mark :

So, please don't feel like you have to commit yourself to change:

Dr. Mark :

you have to commit yourself to agreeing that you are not at fault.

Dr. Mark :

Then

Dr. Mark :

that you want things to get better.

Dr. Mark :

And then

Dr. Mark :

that you are going to explore what might be available to make things better

Dr. Mark :

One thing is possibly therapy.

Dr. Mark :

But firs,

Dr. Mark :

I'm sorry, first

Dr. Mark :

is exploring your options to make it on your own.

Dr. Mark :

Just exploring.

Dr. Mark :

That is how I would like you to feel as we close up, okay?

Customer:

ok, i will try. you have been very complimentary and i appreciate it. thank you for your time and consultation. i know i am beating a dead cow, but is there any signs i could look for in my husband that he may be gay.

Dr. Mark :

There are no "symptoms" you can look for. If you catch him engaging in the act, bingo. (Hope that made you smile.) But in terms of a diagnosis based on symptoms, there are none that can tell you.

Dr. Mark :

But what if he is?

Dr. Mark :

Would that have made his behavior different?

Dr. Mark :

What if he is not?

Dr. Mark :

Would that have made his behavior better?

Customer:

then i would feel much better, not feel so rejected and unloved. yes i feel like it would explain his behavior. i know you stated that he had this since his youth, that may be so. i just want to know why he doesn't love me.

Dr. Mark :

Because he doesn't know how to love in a healthy way. He doesn't know how. That's why therapy is needed.

Dr. Mark :

So, know that it isn't that he doesn't know how to love YOU. He doesn't know how to LOVE in a healthy way.

Dr. Mark :

Right?

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


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Dr. Mark :

You haven't replied, but the system says you're still in the chat: do we need to continue?

Customer:

no sir. thank you for your help. my husband will be home soon, so i do have to go. again thank you for your advice, you are a very kind and thoughtful man. blessings to you every day

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5095
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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