How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
50444359
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Mark is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have a relationship question.

Resolved Question:

I have a relationship question. A little background. I've known this girl for a few years. I've gone on a few dates over that time period - and I've failed to escalate in those dates. That's my fault.


 


Last date/meeting was in Late May. Date went ok and I again failed to escalate. Over the next 2 months I tried pretty hard to get another date. She blew me off every time, or flaked. Although she did have a pretty busy summer and most of these excuses were legitimately real reasons (going out of town 3 or 4 times, family visiting etc) but she never volunteered to meet. Its not like she was busy every day of the week during July and August.


 


In early september, after I had pretty much given up, she says she's free to meet up that night for a drink. I had just moved out of the neighborhood, so it would've taken me an hour to get into the city, so I declined. I was also pretty pissed as I had put a lot of effort the previous week and she flaked.


 


The week after I asked if she was interested in a drink and she said definitely, next week I followed up next week for Thursday but she was only available on Wed, which I wasn't. She didn't volunteer a next meeting.


 


Next week, I was going to the city next Tuesday so I followed in the day to see if she was available. She said that it might work but cancelled, or actually didn't follow up during the time we were suppose to meet. When i texted her she said that she had to work on a powerpoint for work - but wanted a rain check. I said ok and the next day asked if she was available friday She said maybe but her parents were coming in. A few hours later she said yes it work. Then on friday she said her parents were actually coming in so couldn't' make it (btw this happened twice like this in summer).


 


The next week I followed up again about meeting up later on the week. She responds with how about tonight? Since this was already around 7:45 it would've been difficult for me to meet up. She said that she already had plans on Thursday and going out of town for the weekend.


 


I decided that after this I just couldn't keep following up and keep asking to meet when I'm not getting initiation from her side. I havent' contacted her in 2 weeks and there hasn't been any contact from her. I know that if I call I'm sure I can get a meeting. But is it worth it? I feel I'm doing all the work here and I'm not getting any return. Am I just being difficult for not following up again? Is she just being friendly in meeting up but has no reason to initiate?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Dr. Mark :

Wow, this is a difficult question you're trying to decide: should you keep making efforts to start a relationship with her or not?

Dr. Mark :

Tell me first why you've been trying so hard for so long in the first place?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I think she smart, attractive, good person.

Customer:

she *is

Dr. Mark :

And have you been trying to date other women during these months as well?

Dr. Mark :

Or have you been thinking about her?

Customer:

Yes, but not as diligently.

Customer:

Have been busy at work.

Customer:

So not necessarily thinking of her that much.

Customer:

I'm just trying to get an expert opinion on - am i just pushing to hard on this?

Dr. Mark :

I really don't think so given what you've just told me. Here's why:

Customer:

ok

Customer:

please explain.

Dr. Mark :

You've been busy yourself, you say, and that has accounted for some of the missed opportunities. You recognize that.

Dr. Mark :

And you aren't getting annoyed with yourself for being too busy and therefore making only sporadic efforts over the months. And

Customer:

true

Dr. Mark :

you don't want her to get mad at you about it either, it seems.

Dr. Mark :

Well, it sounds as though she's been in the same boat.

Dr. Mark :

We could judge her unfavorably, but why?

Customer:

I don't understand the last comment.

Dr. Mark :

You're not so free with your time, it seems she's not either.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

but why the no initiation from her side?

Customer:

That's what bothers me. I don't want to cross that line from aggressive good to annoying bad.

Dr. Mark :

I mean why judge her as if she's not doing any work and you having to do all of it.

Dr. Mark :

Hold on:

Dr. Mark :

You're a really good guy.

Dr. Mark :

I'm saying that because after all these months she's still saying let's try.

Dr. Mark :

But she may not be an initiator.

Dr. Mark :

She's smart, attractive, good person

Dr. Mark :

but she's also a family person.

Customer:

right.

Dr. Mark :

I see that her family is important to her.

Customer:

I just think my ego is getting in my way at this point.

Dr. Mark :

And often, a woman who's a family person is a little more traditional in the "dating" ritual:

Dr. Mark :

the man leads, you know?

Customer:

aha right.

Dr. Mark :

So, I've been taking the cues from the fact that after all these months

Customer:

but i feel like i'm trying to lead a whole army here.

Dr. Mark :

she's not brushing you off.

Dr. Mark :

What do you mean a whole army?

Customer:

play on words.

Customer:

bad joke.

Customer:

no she doesn't seem like brushing me off although I got that feeling in july and august after our date in may.

Customer:

She couldv'e been pushing towards friend zone and trying to be polite about it.

Customer:

I any case - so your suggestion is to try again to meet up?

Dr. Mark :

This many times?

Customer:

??

Dr. Mark :

I get the sense that you're not just interested in her for a few good nights/

Customer:

ha

Dr. Mark :

that you're attracted to her as a person as well as someone who turns you on.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

although both work.

Dr. Mark :

And from what you wrote before we started the chat,

Dr. Mark :

she seems like she wasn'

Dr. Mark :

sorry: wasn't

Customer:

No i think she's serious as well.

Dr. Mark :

sure and then she decided she wanted to give it a try.

Customer:

although she would be willing to take next step in the date.

Dr. Mark :

Good, I think she is being honest as well.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

And you know, smart, attractive, good person is worth keeping on trying.

Customer:

right

Dr. Mark :

Because I only know you a little, but I think you're intelligent and a good person as well.

Dr. Mark :

I assume good looking...

Customer:

thanks.

Customer:

ha

Dr. Mark :

Therefore,

Dr. Mark :

why let "annoying" make you miss out on a possibility.

Dr. Mark :

Here's what I mean:

Dr. Mark :

It is not necessarily the case that SHE is being annoying.

Dr. Mark :

Rather,

Dr. Mark :

that circumstances are making it annoying:

Dr. Mark :

her trips,

Dr. Mark :

your moving,

Dr. Mark :

the schedules,

Dr. Mark :

etc.

Dr. Mark :

But why give in to that annoyance/

Customer:

I agree.

Dr. Mark :

rather, pursue it and see if she's also on the same wavelength.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

ok makes sense.

Customer:

thanks

Dr. Mark :

Good, because I can't tell you how it will turn out if you try. But,

Dr. Mark :

I can tell you that if you DO NOT try, it certainly won't turn out.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

thanks.

Dr. Mark :

I think she's worth it and I hope it does turn into something beautiful. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
335 Satisfied Customers
Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships