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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I believe my husband and I are starting to have some serious

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I believe my husband and I are starting to have some serious problems. We have been married for 22 years, been together for a total 24 years. I have always taken care of the money, paying the bills etc. I will admit, I haven't done a very good job. About 10 years ago I started lying about our finances, only because I was trying to fix things and hoping that would happen and move on from there. My husband found out and basically said if I want this marriage to continue he needed to know everything there was to our finances and have everything handed over to him. I did that, my lying about things was not done in a malicious way. My husband and our marriage means more to me than anything. Well there is another side to this story. My husband partied with his friends before I came into the picture. I drank but that is all I ever did. My husband knew how I felt about the partying. We have gotten into so many fights and arguments over the years and he told me over and over that he didn't do that anymore. Well about a year ago I ran across something and confronted him about it. He truly was upset because he didn't know how I was going to handle it, I really believe he was afraid that I was going to call it quits. I also found out that he had been lying to me all those years and that he occasionally was still doing things behind my back. Well the confrontation with me and the money just happened about a month ago. My husband went golfing on Monday with two guys I really don't care for because of their lifestyle. I really feel he partook in things on Monday but I can't ask because we got into a fight before he left about it and he said that it not fair that I lied to him and expect him to trust me and I don't trust him where the partying is concerned. I checked his phone thinking I could find out something through his texting those guys. I found that he deleted them, I checked our cell account and saw the series of texts, so I checked his phone again last night, there was only one text from one guy and it read "I was starting to worry. Yesterday was a good day". How am I supposed to continue when i know there is something up, plus how can I confront him, because he will know I went through his phone?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see how you made mistakes around managing your finances and not being honest towards him about it, but how this got really serious mostly because you wanted to fix things and did not come to terms with the fact that it was going to undermine your marriage even more. But you faced it and took whole responsibility for your actions and mistakes and changed because you loved him and cared about your marriage as a number one priority.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But then you said another big issue developed because your husband "partied with his friends". Could you tell me more about what you mean when you said he "partied" and which were the other core behaviors-issues he has been doing "behind your back"?

Customer:

Drugs

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then he has been abusing drugs all these years. that's very concerning. What about the other issues?

Customer:

I'm sorry, I didn't make myself very clear, doing the drugs was what I was referring to only. I have never felt there was ever anything else. And I don't doubt his love at all. I know without a doubt he loves me very much, but.......He has a trust issue with me right now and I understand that and that it will take time for him to trust me again. Its not right that he can use that against me and do what he wants and I can't question it because "I'm not trusting him"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for clarifying. I think you are absolutely right. To justify his dishonesty and drug abuse-addiction because of your past mistakes around your finances is unacceptable and could never lead you to healing your marriage nor to anything constructive, but could only bring more pain and undermine your life together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems you have chosen to be fully honest towards him but felt overwhelmed by his reluctance to do the same, and that's why you tried to find out about his friends and drugs use. If now you know he continues to abuse drugs about he refuses to acknowledge his problem, to be really honest and take full responsibility for his actions, then there would no way your marriage could heal from this no matter how hard you work on yourself and play a good role in it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is because your marriage depends on both of you, both need to be committed to work on healing and rebuilding the trust, the intimacy and the hope, otherwise it would not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would have to be %100 honest towards him and confront his decision not to do the same, setting clear boundaries about what you need and expect from him, offering your support as much as possible, as a healthy, caring and loving spouse, but not as a codependent one that enables further dishonesty, neglect and dysfunction.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Dees it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he still refuses to recognize how dysfunctional his choices and behaviors have been, then please look for marriage psychotherapy as soon as possible, for you to get professional support to work on these core issues.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he refuses to get professional support, then please get individual psychotherapy for you to work on taking good care of yourself and more effectively cope with this serious situation as much as possible, hoping he would change his mind and decides to be part of your marriage in a healthy, acceptable and fulfilling way.

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he has been using drugs for years, then he would have to come to terms with he fact that he could have developed addiction to them, thus recognize the need to start and commit to his rehabilitation process, otherwise, he would be unable to take good care of himself, then of your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Typical issues around addictions are dishonesty, denial, avoidance, lack of accountability, manipulation, sabotage, secrecy, codependency and many other serious problems, If he has been presenting them, then you can be sure he has developed serious addiction problems.

Customer:

I have never felt that he has a "drug problem" or an addiction to them. This is has been something that usually happens when he gets with certain friends and he doesn't spend much time with them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. How often does he meet these people, and how often do you think he hides things form you, around what he does?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mentioned how he has been constantly in touch with many but has been deleting all those messages, then he knows he is doing something wrong, but is smart enough to erase any evidence very fast.

Customer:

it is not very often, maybe four or five times a year. How am I going to address the deleted messages because he is going to go right to the trust issue that I don't trust him and we will end up in a big fight.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A core issue here is that denying the lack of trust, honesty and respect could never allow you to work on finding solutions and worrying on real changes in your marriage, thus you would end perpetuating further lack of honesty, secrecy, avoidance, denial and other issues and no matter how good intentions you may have, the relationship would not improve, and that's something you do not want , need nor deserve at all, this should not worsen even more, or it would be tougher to heal.

Customer:

so what are you telling me to do as far as confronting him and how to do it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I think there is now way your situation could improve unless one of you chooses to be truly totally honest and open, accountable for your own feelings, choices and actions. modeling the very behaviors around trust, respect, honesty and more that you need and want the other to show. Expecting these core issues would go away without this real commitment to take full responsibility to what each of you can and should do without excuses, would never work, but lead to further frustration, sadness, distance between you, manipulation and abuse. One of you must break this vicious circle, while hoping the other has enough affection, maturity, caring and willingness to do the same.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How? Being fully honest, accountable, direct, gentle, understanding and supportive too, but not codependent.

Customer:

Ok, I'm done chatting

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being this honest here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and for your trust. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here to support you as possible.

Customer:

thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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