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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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hello Raphael I am writing to ask a question about an encounter

Resolved Question:

hello Raphael I am writing to ask a question about an encounter I had today. I am a new member at a book club and during my second meeting one woman who I was sitting next to would not stop talking. I was listening for an inordinate amount of time and she was dominating the conversation and I didn't want to be rude and everyone else left and we were still talking. Is this a problem within me, meaning do people seek me out because I am an easy target or is she just simply in great need? it was embarrassing to me because it was at the exclusion of my attention or interest in other people
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you had this experience

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a very common scenario and I think it happens because of both reasons you provided

Customer:

I enjoyed it up to a point, lol

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, the problem is that people presenting this problem, do literally abuse the patience, support and good will of other people who happen to be there listening to them

Customer:

I should have been more assertive, but im an easy target as a newbie, yeah?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

They do know very fast who are those who would tolerate more of their limitless talking

Customer:

Doesnt matter, newbie or not, I should have been assertive

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, you need to be more assertive. To offer respect, empathy and caring is always good, but you need to start doing the same with yourself before anything

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Every healthy sharing, exchange, relationship must have clear and good boundaries and limits, otherwise they become abusive, dysfucntional

Customer:

Even worse, I gave her my phone number after the merting, she gave me hers and tslked a out another organization if I wanted to join. I am a sap in this case.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could feel afraid the other peroson would feel hurt or upset if you interrupt, but when that is necessary, it should not be avoided at all, otherwise you woudl be promoting a codependent situation, enabling the other person while self-sabotaging

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think this is a necessary experience and could be very helpful for you to work on this area for sure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are being mindful and proactive assessing what happened, and trying to identify issues and how to make changes for you not to get in the same dynamic over again

Customer:

Right, I was afraid of not being attentive, but should have been more afraid of being sabatoged. I m sure others saw it, and it may not only make her look not so good, but me either.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then healthy respect-empathy and support are never in conflict with healthy limits, boundaries and necessary assertive confrontation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you need to pay attention to something else, share with other people, or just leave because of your plans, or just do not feel comfortable anymore with a situation, you need to address it right away.

Customer:

Im not sure I can return to this book club with a sense of dignity, and if I did, I will not sit next to her again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No need to justify yourself in order to do this, just being simple and objective letting the other person know that you have and want to do something else, that's it.

Customer:

Okay

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do suggest you not to avoid that at all, but to go with even higher motivation and take this situation as a real and unique challenge and chance for you to work on yourself around these skills.

Customer:

Assertiveness, that's where I need work. What is it about my body language or demeaner that makes me an easy target, or is it because I am new also?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Confront and challenge your ego and its unhealthy fears-tendencies, and focus on supporting and taking good care f your Self.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Both.

Customer:

That's mortifying to learn

Customer:

Yes, good advice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person feels self-confident and has a good sense of self-worthiness and clarity about his/her own values, beliefs, goals and boundaries, it would be evident through voice tone, words, body language, reactions, mood, every behavior, subtle or obvious would communicate this.

Customer:

Okay

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take it as a challenge, something worthy and necessary, with a positive approach, that's much better and healthier rather than addressing it as a torment. believe me, I know what you mean, only you know how it feels, but I have also faced similar situations and that's why I relate to your experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for sharing and for trusting me.

Customer:

Thank you. I thought I was doing good because I was spesking up and engaged in the conversation. If she saw my weakness, its evident to everyone

Customer:

The conversation of the bookclub

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You did good on one hand for sure, but needed to set a limit too for it not to become annoying, codependent, unhealthy.

Customer:

Thank you.

Customer:

Thank you and I got work to do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care!

Customer:

You too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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