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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have a problem in my marriage. is this the right place to

Resolved Question:

I have a problem in my marriage. is this the right place to ask?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this situation.

Marriage problems can be most distressing. Many problems in marriage can be fixed, if addressed properly and in good faith by both partners.

Please get back to me as soon as possible with a detailed account of what exactly is going on, and we shall try to address it and see which way to proceed.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

 


I was born and raised oversees, when I was 25 I wanted to immigrate to US for a better life. One family friend asked me if I’m ready to get married and she suggested a family friend who was from the same country as well but became US citizen and looking for a girl to marry since he couldn’t find anyone who fits his needs in US.


I accepted to talk to him and we had telephone conversation for about a year and he was a nice and very goal oriented person.


His family arranged a marriage party and he came the next year with his family and we got married in a nice ceremony after couple days physically meeting each other for the first time in the airport.


The problem started in my heart when I was desperately waiting for my dream man to come in the airport and when I saw him for the first time; I felt no desire and no chemistry for him. The first couple days together, my feeling was still the same and since everything was arranged, I saw myself in a white dress getting married with a nice young man that I had no feeling with!


He stayed for a week after and we spent a nice luxury honeymoon together that I ended up crying every night he fell asleep.


I am a very romantic person and he is not.


A year after I came here in US. and spent a lot of time with his close family. I noticed that I married a mama’s boy and he is very much attached to his mom and sister in the way that he never question what they say. And that was the reason he couldn’t find any one here to marry.


I found myself so trapped in a relation that he is acting nice to me but I don’t rule my life. I felt the second person in his life most of the time and he never shows affection for me in front of his family. His mom is so jealous of me. Everytime I mentioned that I was hurt by their words or actions, he fighted with me and told me im wrong.


I made a huge mistake and thought a baby can bring us closer emotionally and can build a nice family unit for us.


I faced a lot of family problems after my daughter was born.


I brought my family here in US. (mom and dad) just to have somebody to release myself emotionally since my husband didn’t want to hear anything about my feeling and also his family.


My daughter is 5 years now, our life looks nice in surface, only because I kept everything inside me and made everything look nice but all the past events from the first day wounded me so much that I don’t have any feelings for him. We don’t have the emotional bond. My main focus is my job but most of the days I catch myself crying at my work (computer eng.) and his focus is his job and family and his daughter.


Im very scared of divorce only because I don’t cant afford not seeing my daughter even a day and dont want to hurt her emotions.


Need immediate help…..


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear friend,

I see that you are in a very difficult situation and one in which you probably cannot endure much longer.

I do not foresee your husband changing and becoming a different person. He was transformed and conquered long before you met him. As long as you stay with him you will continue be misarably unhappy.

If you stay with him, your daughter will sense the great wall between you and her father and paternal grandmother. The older she gets the more she will sense it.

She will also miss out the experience of knowing what a joyful and loving household can be.

A divorce can be arranged so that you can have primary custody and have her more of the time. I know you say that you cannot bear not seeing her for even one day, although you are gone away from her for many of her waking hours.

Children do adapt, especially when surrounded by a loving extended family. I believe that the trauma suffered by you because of the separation will be more profound than what she will suffer because of her massive family support.

If you divorce you will eventually meet someone with whom you have chemistry and can create a truly joyful environment. Your daily depression and misery will continue to takes its toll on your spirt, and on your daughter's as well.

In the long run your daughter will be better off if her mother flourishes, and you will not until you end this failed marriage.

You current husband will not marry again unless it is once again arranged. In fact he is already ":married" to his mother and is not really available.

I urge you to find the best divorce attorney you can, preferably a woman who comes from your country of origin and best understand your background culure.

If you did get a divorce you could live nearby to minimize the added trauma of distance.

Your husband has not proved himself to be a loving and affectionate man to you, and has never been able to win you over, and never will, it seems.

If you are happy then your daughter will thrive - and you will be happy.

If I can be of further assistance, please let me know.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott



Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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