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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My ex girlfriend and I have broken up in the last 3 months...after

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My ex girlfriend and I have broken up in the last 3 months...after a nearly 7 year relationship. I know she loved me deeply, she broke things off - life became crazy and our relationship broke down, I was overwhelmed stressed and lost focus - she felt unappreciated and lost security in our relationship and did not communicate strongly to me until it was over... If she loved me so strongly for so long, can she simply erase me? We have not seen each other in 6 weeks and she only responds if I reach out. I've kept a distance and given space to her and for me to recover, May question is can she remove me so easily? She said she thinks of me...but not enough to reach out. Why won't she reach out to me?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know of the end of your relationship.

Customer:

What's your thoughts?

Customer:

Is she completely done with me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be truly frustrating and sad, many times even overwhelming to go through a break up, but it is necessary to learn hot to effectively cope and grieve in order to take good care of yourself, otherwise you could develop depression, anxiety or any other mental health disorder, and it could deeply impact your life and well-being in many other areas.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's too soon to know

Customer:

Why? Too soon to know if she is completely done? What can I do on my end, but not push her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been in a long term relationship, what means you have developed a strong attachment to each other and what was shared during those years.

Customer:

I am getting my life in order...and I have taken several actions that she is aware of, we briefly got back together but she felt we were slipping back. She does not trust the changes yet?

Customer:

We went thru a lot - she was here thru my divorce, kids and keeping of the house. I have addressed the issues. We were looking at getting married this year before she left

Customer:

Why does she not reach out?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more which were the core issues leading her to end the relationship and how did you addressed and resolved them?

Customer:

What are the odds of getting back together? She is a very strong willed person (which is good). Once she makes a decision she does not want to retract. In general and from your experience - how often does the woman "dumper" return?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is the way you say she is, then I do not think she would easi change her mind unless something truly dramatic happens to lead her to reconsider her decision.

Customer:

She felt that the divorce and settling of things took a long time, I wanted to transition with the kids and make sure all went well with her, my 3 kids (boys - 15, 11, 13). She jumped right into our daily routine, without a ring and the stress and craziness of scheduling was intense. Also, since I was stressed I had bad behavior and some events and she was hurt...It was like a perfect storm. I didn't realize how over extended I had become and trying to make sure the kids health and my commitment to them was covered. She was very supportive always said - nothing was a problem - then it all came to a head!

Customer:

Truly dramatic as in what?

Customer:

I was in a bad place and now back to myself - I have take steps to make things better and reflected and change back to the person I was when we began this journey.

Customer:

She said too little too late? I sold the house, established boundries with children and former wife and committed to making our coupling 1st and not a second fiddle to anything any more - but it may be too late?

Customer:

Thoughts? Please.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If all the issues and behaviors that she saw as insensitive, non supportive or neglectful from you change to show you have really made real changes to deserve her love and trust back. Obviously, even if you do all these changes, it would not guaranty that she would feel the same towards you or even consider you back in her life, once as you said, she is taking things in a very different way that you do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How long ago before the break up did you fully implemented all these changes?

Customer:

It was after the break-up - She broke things off and within 30 days I took all this action...even got a ring that she and her mother looked at...

Customer:

I stepped up and admitted my mistakes - said I was sorry, entered counseling, sold the house, etc... a lot to show her. I didn't just say I was going to do stuff - I did it.

Customer:

So, you think she's gone for good??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you only made all these changes after the break up, it could explain why she feels the way she does and does not trust you, since you have been together for 7 years and apparently she is telling you that she waited for too long and this is not enough but rather too late for her. Then there is no other option for you but to commit to keep working on these changes even if she does not want to give you another chance now, hoping she would reconsider that in the near future.

Customer:

From your professional experience - is there a chance or the odds that she would re-consider??

Customer:

In the near future or how long does it take for someone to re-consider? Does the love just stop? It was deep!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not push her at all, show understanding and respect to her decision and boundaries, since that would be the only way for you to make sure you could have a chance in the future if she chooses to work on it, after confirming you have truly made real and solid changes

Customer:

What's your educated guess on her love? Does it factor in?

Customer:

I get it...I truly do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each person is unique, and when some people could grieve an ex-partner for months or years, others could really move one after a few months if they truly believe it was the best option for them and could rebuild their lives through another healthier and more fulfilling relationship. It depends on personality, past experiences, personal values and belief system, fear and in many other factors.

Customer:

I do I show her the changes if we do not interact much? Will she be curious or paying attention? She's been curious in the past.

Customer:

Sounds like I'm in a bad position...I think I lost the person of my life

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Time will tell. What you know is that for these 7 years she has felt this frustrated and finally she decided to end the relationship and that your significant changes after it have not allowed her to trust you and feel hopeful, then it would take time and more concrete evidence, if she wants to assess it , for her to consider giving you another chance.

Customer:

I don't think it was the whole 7 years...it was really the past year and 1/2 has things mounted....Does that change anything.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to confirm your fears, it does not look good right now, but even statistically, many couples who have been in long term relationships and break up, do give each other a new chance if they find some hope, but again it is very subjective and each person depending on her specific circumstances would react in very unique ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it does.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have almost 6 years of a good relationship versus 1.5 years of serious issues. I think if with time she allows herself to reassess reality taking into account what your actions and life show, you could have another chance. Just lets hope she stills feels the same level of affection and attachment towards you.

Customer:

What ways can I reach out and not push but subtly give her a update on progress if she chooses? I don't want to disrespect her.

Customer:

Should I ask for another chance - how much longer should I wait??

Customer:

She said I was a good person...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Make sure you talk to her about what is acceptable or not according to her boundaries, for you to be fully consistent respecting them, that way you would ensure you would be doing your best to promote a possible future reconciliation, everything else would depend on her.

Customer:

How can she erase such affection? Does that usually happen?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Fully respect her boundaries and limits, show gratefulness and appreciation for the friendship and access she may allow.

Customer:

I think I'm cooked! Thanks for the advice.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nobody could erase feelings, but other feelings and emotions could undermine or destroy other feelings, and depending on the person's sensitivity, vulnerability, past experiences, personality, fears and expectations, she would work on her feelings and allow them to heal, mature or grow.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions. I am here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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