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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Dr. L, can we chat? are you available?

Resolved Question:

Dr. L, can we chat? are you available?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I just picked up your message. Are you available now?

Dr. L :

I'm sorry. It appears that I missed you.

Dr. L :

I will check in the morning to see if you can chat.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

i was hospitalized with severe anxiety for things that are happening at work

Customer:

i don't want to discuss those things

Customer:

so I thought I could distract myself by asking you pretty much the same questions

Customer:

about that guy that dissapeared 6 months ago

Customer:

for all I know, he could be living in another place

Customer:

but I find it very weird that he has not tried to contact me

Customer:

maybe he will at some point, but he hasn't done it so far

Customer:

I have received hung up calls at work but I don't want to think it's him

Customer:

somebody calls and listens for a while and then hungs up

Customer:

but that's it

Customer:

I miss him

Customer:

and I think we had a connection

Customer:

I guess, what I would love to hear is that he did love me as much as I did and that he will eventually realize that he lost the most incredible woman on Earth

Customer:

I wish he would come and tell me these words

Customer:

deep inside though, I feel that not approaching me is probably because he cares

Customer:

Because he cares about me, he doesn't feel he could stand rejection

Customer:

this is the only thing I would do like him

Customer:

I would never approach someone that has rejected me

Dr. L :

Hi,

Customer:

hi

Dr. L :

I'm just reading your posting.

Customer:

ok

Dr. L :

I'm so sorry that you were hospitalized...I do hope you are feeling better.

Dr. L :

He was a strange man...wanted an intense relationship with you and in many ways to "own" you...but then was scary in how controlling he was and how much he wanted you to be devoted and dependent on him.

Dr. L :

Love is a hard concept to define.

Dr. L :

Did he love you in his own way. Yes...that is likely true.

Dr. L :

Did he love you in the way you understand love? That's uncertain.

Dr. L :

Is he avoiding you because he doesn't want to be rejected again....that certainly could be possible based on how hard he took it when you finally broke away.

Dr. L :

And why you broke away was that he was smothering you, he was treating you like a possession, and you were becoming more and more frightened of his possessiveness.

Customer:

yes, that is true

Customer:

but now I miss him

Dr. L :

Does he miss YOU....does he miss how wonderful you are and feel he got robbed of something...probably so.

Dr. L :

He knew from the beginning that you were more classy, smarter, more respected than he was...and he wanted to feel like he had "won" over someone of higher class.

Dr. L :

But do you miss HIM...or do you miss a relationship? or the attention a man can give? or any number of things...

Customer:

this is the thing...

Customer:

when I think of having another boyfriend... I don't think I can ever feel the same way with someone else

Customer:

and I am very aware that he is an awful man

Customer:

I am aware that he may have lied about everything

Customer:

but we did have a connection

Customer:

and even if he was not sincere about his marital status, I am pretty sure that he did not have a normal marriage

Customer:

it seems like he was "stuck" for other reasons which I don't know

Customer:

probably reasons that he considers shameful

Customer:

but even when I met him, he seemed like he had no attachment to anyone

Customer:

he acted like a free man

Customer:

he did say that there were many truths in his life that were a lie

Customer:

and then again... he made my life miserable, especially when he admitted that he loved me

Dr. L :

And so is his saying he loved you what keeps you from letting go?

Dr. L :

If he had never said that...would it have been easier to have gone on with your life?

Customer:

no

Customer:

if he had not said that he loved me, I would feel a lot worse, like I didn't matter

Customer:

I fell for the wrong person

Dr. L :

I understand your saying that you don't know about loving a different man and if it would be the same. I don't think we can really measure the love we feel for different people...it is unique in each situation.

Dr. L :

Yes..perhaps you did fall for the wrong person...but that fact remains that you did and that today you hurt because you miss that love...

Dr. L :

And it is love that you want...

Customer:

what do you mean?

Dr. L :

The relationship you had with this man was up and down...sometimes it was terrific, sometime it was miserable...but at the end of the day he admitted that he loved you...and you let that love fill you.

Dr. L :

Now that he is not in your life, you miss him and you miss the love. You don't miss the fear, the control, the misery...but you do miss the feelings of being cared about, thought about, and loved.

Dr. L :

So...in part you miss him because the feelings were generated by him and with him. But maybe even greater is that you miss the feelings....

Dr. L :

Does this make sense?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I see

Customer:

because there was also so much I hated about him

Customer:

it makes sense

Dr. L :

I imagine that if you were in a new relationship you would miss him less and less.

Dr. L :

Yes ... and that mixture of love and hate is confusing.

Dr. L :

But both gave you the sense of being connected to him.

Customer:

I will try to process these new ideas

Customer:

thank you

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Customer:

at least I am not thinking about work

Customer:

have a good night!

Dr. L :

You as well.

Dr. L :

Thanks for writing...

Dr. L :

I'm here whenever you need to talk again.

Dr. L :

Bye.

Customer:

Thank you!

Customer:

Bye

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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