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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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So me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 and a half

Resolved Question:

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 and a half years. i went off to college and i found myself deeply depressed. i begged him for help but he didn't know how to help me. A good friend of mine was there to make me happy again. When it came time to me trying to break up with my boyfriend we cried for 3-4 hours in front of each other and right when he was about to go i got so scared i called the hole thing off. I had to tell my friends and family that i took him back and they were disappointed. I trusted my boyfriends word that he would treat me better but now i am starting to regret my decision. I told him i'd give him another chance and i won't hesitate next time if anything goes wrong. i love him very much but i dont know if i can trust my boyfriend. What should i do? i'm very stressed out and as someone new in college this is unacceptable and unnecessary. I just want to be happy again.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long were you depressed when attending college, what did you ask from your boyfriend at that time and what was his response?

Customer:

i was depressed for 2 months while i was in school. i constantly asked him to try and motivate me, support, and he didn't know how unless i was with him physically.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How did he help you when you were with him physically, could you please clarify what you mean?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How could it be that he didn't know, is he a minor or has a disability, didn't he see you were in pain and asking for his support?

Customer:

when he says physically he means in person. He said he can only make me happy when im with him in person. he jst basically wanted to cuddle instead of going out on nice dates or somewhere interesting.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry but it seems truly painful and frustrating for anybody in your shoes, once it is when you face painful or difficult times that you truly find out about people's real nature, caring, personality and quality of affection towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he basically say that he could not offer any psychological or emotional support unless you happen to be together, right?

Customer:

he said he just didn't know how to help me with out basically hugging and kissing me. it is really fustrating now because he begged for me back and now i gave him another chance and i feel like i regret it.

Customer:

and yes you are correct

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then what I can tell you is that if you are coming to terms with the fact that this person does not deserve your affection and/or is not a healthy presence in your life as a good boyfriend, to the point of regretting dating him, you should be totally truthful with yourself and honest towards him and end the relationship. The fact you were confused and made a mistake because of how emotional it was to en d the relationship, should not justify you blaming or punishing yourself with it staying in a relationship that you do not truly want.

Customer:

ive been very scatterbrained and very confused for about a month now and even when we were talking my mind kept switching outcomes. i really do love this man. i just feel like a jerk for saying ill give him a second chance and than immediately break it off

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When it is about dating emotions are always very powerful, even more if it is about painful experiences, then please be sure it is totally fine for you to feel the way you do. The most important thing here is for you to objectively assess based not on nice words or promises from him but on concrete actions, if this person is truly a healthy and supportive presence in your life, if he is really a good boyfriend who respects, understands, cares about you and supports you the way you need and deserve, specially when you need support the most. If your answers are positive, then it would be assertive to stay in the relationship, but if yous answers about this key requirements are negative, then you would need to reflect on how unhealthy this relationship/love have become and choose what you truly feel is the best for you, without betraying or sabotaging yourself.

Customer:

i want to be able to trust that he will change and finally be a good boyfriend but i'm not 100% sure. i wanted to possibly wait alittle bit of time and see if in that time span i can learnt o trust him again. i was thinking maybe 2 weeks or a month?

Customer:

learn to*

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, that makes perfect sense and I think is necessary and wise for you to do, since as I just said, people could use very nice words and tears, but if their concrete real actions do not match them, they would not be honest but very manipulative, thus unable to create any worthy, healthy or fulfilling reality. I do support your plan and think that if he is able to proof you through concrete actions that he really deserves another chance after a month, then you could consider getting back, but in such case, if you again find yourself being fooled by this person's words, then please do nto waste your time exposing to further pain, learn the lesson and move away from him.

Customer:

that really helps alot. i am really going to remember that and keep it in mind but lets say his actions prove true and he really is trying harder but i still feel unhappy or resentful. is that just my fault and i should learn to forget about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No , it would not be your fault. Being totally truthful with yourself and honest towards other people, is never wrong but essential for you to take good care of yourself, to respect other people, and to set healthy boundaries. Pushing yourself into a relationship when you do not feel truly committed, happy and trusting your boyfriend would not help you to be and feel good, and it would not create a positive experience in the relationship either.

Customer:

okay, thank you very much

Customer:

sorry i didnt mean to send that so soon haha

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. No problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

:o)

Customer:

thank you very muchh and i'm really going to keep all that in mind. i really hope i can be strong enough this time to get what needs to be done, done

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember, it is not your responsibility to please anybody, even more if you betray yourself while doing so. The fact that you get confused and make a mistake one time, does nto mean you should blame and punish yourself later. You do always have the right, need and power, so the responsibility to make every necessary change to take good care of yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you get any further questions or to follow up, since i here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

thank you so much you were so much help!! i definitely will let you know how everything goes!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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