Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your frustrating situation.
It seems very overwhelming .
yea it is
How have you felt with your current relationship and family life ?
What you report seems to be an obsession with this other person. have you kept in touch with her at all?
i have messaged her a cpl time on facebook but that was months ago
I see. Are you happy with your marital life and family?
Then for the past 5 years that's all the contact you have had with this ex-girlfriend, right?
But perhaps you have been following her through social networking or not at all?
yea ive seen her once or twice throughout the years in public but never said anythig to her she said hi once
I see. Then I think it could be about an anxiety-obsessive disorder. Did you happen to have the necessary ending process?
well when we were together i was going through hard times had alot of suicidal thoughts and i believed she saved me from myself.
To this day i dont know why she ended it she claimed that her father would send here sway up north if we continued on
I see, then it makes sense why you attached to this person so much, you were very vulnerable at that time in your life and she played a key supportive role, a crucial one since it was about your life integrity.
I see, then there was not a healthy and clear ending process, and that left you feeling this way. I think the mental health crisis you underwent at that time could have been at the core of her decision to end the relationship. No way to truly know since you did not have the chance to work on the ending process, leaving you grieving.
yea ive been wanting to talk to her about it but i fell it would be uncomfortable or wierd contacting her since its been 5 years since weve been together
Absolutely, it has been too long already, and I do not believe it would help now, since this is not about your relationship anymore, since it ended 5 years ago, but about how it and its end affected you and this is something you need to work on yourself, and for that it seems necessary for you to consider individual psychotherapy, once this is not healthy and has been affecting your life this much for all this long.
ive been considering going to therapy just money is tight at the moment. And i just feel so bad because i feel id rather be with her than my current fiance.
I truly believe you, your fiance and children need and deserve to fully enjoy your lives together, for all of you to grow together happy and fulfilled, and that's why you should not delay your rehabilitation process from this challenging life experience that has been left unresolved for so long.
So what am i to do at this point ive been searching for answers all this time and came up short.
obviously i want her back but dont want to jeopardize my kids lives.
This is why therapy is so important. If you truly love your fiance you should work on yourself and on deepening and promoting your relationship and life together, otherwise you should be open and honest and move away from her. But for you to believe that you could get back with your ex-girlfriend after 5 years, knowing how things ended would be very unrealistic and self-sabotaging, and it would also continue to undermine your life and family in case you still really have enough affection and caring about your fiance, since your parental role-responsibility will always be there no matter what you choose to do about your marital life.
Then if you do not love your fiance, you need to be fully honest with her, in order to work on how you would end your relationship and take good care of your children, since they are and will continue to be affected by everything you so. Just be very well aware that you would be leaving the relationship because of your lack of enough and necessary love and commitment and not because of having any certainty that you would get back together other woman, since that would be unrealistic. You could try your best, XXXXX XXXXX objective, for you not to fool yourself nor to get even more hurt nor to hurt this person and other people around her-you.
I believe you should get into individual psychotherapy to work on yourself before making any serious decision or change in your life. Once the chances for self-sabotaging are very high, and as I said before, you could have developed an anxiety-obsessive disorder, and unless you find out and address it with professional support, you could make thing harder, not easier for you, while adding extra pin and suffering tho those involved.
Does it make sense?
You could contact the county mental health department and they would refer you to a local mental health clinic where you could receive counseling or psychotherapeutic support for a fee that you could afford.
yea it does makes sense. I have pondered many situations in my mind about leaving her and trying to get back together with the other girl. But as it stands even if i leave my fiance and it wouldn't work out with the other girl. I feel no other girl could make me happy as i have had many relationships in the past, and none of them really sunk in deep with me. I feel even if i have the most perfect woman in the world she would still not make me happy.
i appreciate your advice it's helping me allot right now.
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. I do really believe you need to reflect on how healthy or unhealthy this love has been in your life. It seems it has become an obsession, that you need to work on processing the loss that happened 5 years ago on order to be able to be truly present and to take good care of your life and reality now. This is why I insist on the importance to get adequate professional psychotherapeutic support as soon as possible.
I truly hope you reflect on this and take consistent actions necessary to take better care of yourself, kids and life.
thank you i will , you have been very informative and i do believe it has become a bit of an obsessive issue .
You're very welcome. I agree. Please take gentle care and consistent action getting the support you need to build the healthy and fulfilling life you deserve.
Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Alright thank you