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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi,i have left a relationship three times do to it being to

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Hi,i have left a relationship three times do to it being to stressful, she is abrupt and abrasive and I am not the only person that sees this, am now living back in my own home she says now she wants to repair this problem and is seeking help, but she feels I need to make changes to, however I don't think I have done anything wrong I try to explain my feelings and she doesn't here me.my question is, do I move back on her promise to change or do I have to accept her for who she is and end the relationship, I love her very much but cant deal with her issue, what should I do
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about the core issues that led to your break up?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said she has been "abrupt and abrasive", could you clarify a little more about her concrete behaviors, what you meant by these words?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been dating?

Customer: We were over at my mom and dad's place, my dad has three months to live, and my mom says that they are not having a get together after the funeral land she says that it's not just about her my mom was upset
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your father's situation.

Customer: Dating for a year living together a year I am 47 she is 35 she doesn't see my side only hers
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then if these has been an ongoing situation and she has shown inability and unwillingness to really change, and mostly made promises, it seems her lack of honesty, respect selfishness and manipulation have been deeply undermining your relationship, to the point you feel it cannot continue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she continues using words about changes she would make but never takes consistent actions to make these changes real, then such behavior is unacceptable and very manipultive, and I do not see how time itself could resolve this serious issue.

Customer: I have a week to give her an answer, she wants to start slow again dating,I just want to know,if I need to accept her as she is her dad died when she was young and she doesn't talk to her mom,she has also raised her sister because her mom is mentally unstable
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that she would need to start by taking full responsibility for her words and actions and commit to individual psychotherapy to work on herself if she really wants to make this work, otherwise I do not see how your situation could improve at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only you know what you need and want from a relationship, it is obvious you do not feel happy nor fulfilled with the way she has been in the relationship, and I believe it would be unrealistic to deny these serious issues expecting the relationship would be fine without her working on making real improvements

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think she would have to take responsibility for working on herself if she really wants to build a healthy and fulfilling relationships with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For you to be supportive if you love this person would be necessary, but please do not become tolerant to any unacceptable behavior otherwise you would self-sabotage and the relationship would become more dysfunctional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe she needs individual psychotherapy to work on her personal issue undermining her ability to be and play a healthy role in the relationship. Couples counseling would help you to explore and identify these core issues and point at the personal problems she needs to resolve for the relationship to develop and grow in healthy and fulfilling ways.

Customer: She told me one night in bed that she thought I had a 5 inch penis it upset me because it was inaccurate
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean you discussed about it before and she was not respectful about it? What do you think was her problem about it?

Customer: I thought it was average at 6 lol but she had to disagree I actually measured it seems like she just has to disagree she has no problem with it I just thought it was rude
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is something very relative sine each person could have a different knowledge or understanding about it.

Customer: So do I rely on change or take it for what it is
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What allows adult people to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship is mutual respect, honesty, understanding, affection, caring and support. If there is any lack of consistency around being this assertive in your relationship, but you want it to work, then each of you would need to work on changes., and if you do not get an agreement of what or how these changes should happen, then professional counseling or psychotherapy would be the best source of support to work on yourselves and relationship.

Customer: This is the first time she has seeks help and she seems positive about it,but I think this could take a long time to resolve?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each of you should take full responsibility for your words and promises, thus if she promises to change but doesn't change, then she has a lack of honesty and consistency problem that must be addressed, otherwise it would continue causing destructive conflict in your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you would need to be patient, understanding and supportive if you feel this is truly what you want to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that serious issues and changes take time and hard work, the only if she is really honest and willing to work on herself, she would be able to make improvements, but you would also need to feel comfortable and willing to wait this long and see if she is effectively working on her changes or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she does work on these changes, then there should be no problem, you would see her efforts and commitment, but if she does not take consistent action and shows effort, then it would be self-sabotaging to stay in the relationship the way it is once you feel she is not being respectful and honest towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples counseling could be very helpful since it would allow you to directly explore with a professional's support each one of these core issues and identify who and what needs change, and from there everything would be about taking consistent action, each of you talking full responsibility of what depends on you as individuals to make the relationship work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: If she has been like this most of her life what are the odds of change even if she tries
Customer: Yes it makes sense
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has had serious issue for most of her life it would not be impossible to change, but it would be hard and would require time and adequate professional support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is willing to work on it,being honest and taking responsibility for her own process then it would be totally worthy, but only you know what you want and are willing to afford in this relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to assess the pros and cons of your relationship, and if you see that the positive aspects of it are good enough to justify working on making changes and improvements around those things that have not been working fine, and she shows real willingness and consistency taking actions to make such improvements, then it could work for you, otherwise it would just be the same or get worse, that's why you need to be very honest and realistic abut what you are willing to afford here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is truly willing to get help and commit to it, then everything else would be about time, Please consider both, individual psychotherapy for her to work on these personal issues affecting your relationship, and couples counseling to be clear about what needs to be changed and improved in the relationship for it to work for both of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
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Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
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