Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful, sad and frustrating reality you have been facing.
From your story it seems everything was, just as you said, like a fairytale, where things felt good and healthy, but the red flags started to appear and finally you found out about this terrible nightmare.
Could you please confirm if your husband is a recovered alcoholic?
Yes, he is. Twenty five years drug and alcohol free.
I see. thanks.
When you stared to describe this situation the first thing that came to my mind is what we known as love & sex addiction, and when you said he was recovered from alcohol, it made perfect sense. It is very common for people who do get to recover from one addiction to fuel or develop another one in order to compensate what they have not truly overcome in their rehabilitation process.
To me, there is significance in the fact that it was this perticular woman. I do not believe he would have done this with anyone else. They have a dynamic of rubbing each others face in it when they have other girlfriends/boyfriends husbands or wives. They seem to not be able to leave each other alone all these years. She has always lived him and wished things were different so they could be together, but he says he's never felt that way about her. He uses her, but this time he showed some genuine feelings. He denies this even though I've seen the texts.
I too believe it was another form of addiction. She was a perfect way for him to revisit his horrible past without using. She knew all his old stories because she was there.
Right, that's why it perfectly matches an addiction pattern.
how do I know that he truly has no past leftover feelings for her? I would rather my husband leave me for genuine love than stay and pretend he lives me.
You see the denial, dishonesty, avoidance, justification, secrecy, manipulation, codependency, lack of responsibility and respect? All these are core issues always present around addictions, like they were before with the substances, they have also been very present around this sec & love addiction of them.
How can he get the help he needs understanding this? How do I get past understanding how he could hurt me like this?
Do you feel like it might happen again?
What can I do to help him?
This sis an addiction and as such it would not just disappear. The same way he did with the alcohol and the other drugs, he needs to start and commit to his rehabilitation process, working hard on himself, but this time do a much better job, -otherwise he would just temporarily transfer the same core addictive issues to another person or substance-behavior.
He requires individual and group psychotherapy and then a support group for his addiction.
Thank you! You have been most helpful! He also sees this as an addictive behavior. He is floored that he did this. He even says it felt like he was on a drug but didn't realize that at the time.
I don't think he's a sex addict...just an addict that transferred and old habit to a new one.
Marriage counseling and joining a support group for codependency could be the best approach to support him. If you feel overwhelmed by this painful reality, individual psychotherapy would be the best for you too, since taking good care of yourself would ensure you could offer wise support while taking good care of your relationship too.
Perfect. We have begun the process, but now need to get him back into an addiction type counceling program.
It was just like that, but it is even tougher, because this is not an object but a person who is smart and has will power persuasive ans would do her best to perpetuate the attachment, dependency the addiction, so it is much harder, that's why professional support is essential here.
I see. Yes, she played the game very well and it kept him going.
Thank you so very much!
You're very welcome
Thank you for your trust
Please take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up. I am here willing to support you as possible.
How can I save this conversation so that he can view it?
It will always stay here: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/82gax-husband-married-10-years-marriage.html?src=dn
Again, thank you!
Bye for now