How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband and I have been married 10 years. Our marriage was

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have been married 10 years. Our marriage was like a fairytale. We never argue or fight and we are both so happy with each other. This is why I can't understand why he would have a secret 15 month affair with a woman that he had a sexual affair when he was married to his first wife 36 years ago. He is 54 and I am 49. We live in a small town and they have known each other since they were teens. I knew only that they had fooled around back in the day. She began to come to my home to walk with me for health purposes. I trusted my husband, but he began texting and calling her non stop everyday for 15 months until I caught them. He has said he has no more contact with her. They texted over 36,000 times and talked on the phone more than 12,000 times in that period, he also sent her graphic sexual pictures of himself. My husband woke her up each morning with terms of endearment and the same telling her goodnight every night. They treated each other like boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a widow, weighs over 300 lbs and has a colostomy bag. She lives on disability and is doing drugs. He begged her for sex, even threatened to go find someone else because she kept refusing him. What was he thinking? He says he doesn't know why he did it and loves me. He says there was nothing wrong with our marriage and he was completely happy. They both say it was more of a game they were playing. I'm so confused and hurt! He doesn't drink and has been completely sober for 25 years. Why would he ruin a wonderful marriage? I am devastated. What do you think happened? I have only known him to be a wonderful man, until this. Has his past come back to haunt him? The amount of communication between them seems like an addiction. I made sure to tell him, each night, how lucky I was and how much I loved him...all the while he was texting, calling and sending nasty pictures to her. They almost got caught once and he called several members of his family to cover it up! He didn't want to stop! They both swear to God they never had sex and wouldn't have. The only things i noticed, while this was going on, is that he had immediately withdrew sexually from me. Then, in the last month, he began to show frustration and anger towards me. This is when they had almost got caught and he admits to "amping" up begging her for sex at that time. Please give me your opinion.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful, sad and frustrating reality you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your story it seems everything was, just as you said, like a fairytale, where things felt good and healthy, but the red flags started to appear and finally you found out about this terrible nightmare.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please confirm if your husband is a recovered alcoholic?

Customer:

Yes, he is. Twenty five years drug and alcohol free.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you stared to describe this situation the first thing that came to my mind is what we known as love & sex addiction, and when you said he was recovered from alcohol, it made perfect sense. It is very common for people who do get to recover from one addiction to fuel or develop another one in order to compensate what they have not truly overcome in their rehabilitation process.

Customer:

To me, there is significance in the fact that it was this perticular woman. I do not believe he would have done this with anyone else. They have a dynamic of rubbing each others face in it when they have other girlfriends/boyfriends husbands or wives. They seem to not be able to leave each other alone all these years. She has always lived him and wished things were different so they could be together, but he says he's never felt that way about her. He uses her, but this time he showed some genuine feelings. He denies this even though I've seen the texts.

Customer:

I too believe it was another form of addiction. She was a perfect way for him to revisit his horrible past without using. She knew all his old stories because she was there.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that's why it perfectly matches an addiction pattern.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Customer:

how do I know that he truly has no past leftover feelings for her? I would rather my husband leave me for genuine love than stay and pretend he lives me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You see the denial, dishonesty, avoidance, justification, secrecy, manipulation, codependency, lack of responsibility and respect? All these are core issues always present around addictions, like they were before with the substances, they have also been very present around this sec & love addiction of them.

Customer:

How can he get the help he needs understanding this? How do I get past understanding how he could hurt me like this?

Customer:

Do you feel like it might happen again?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Customer:

What can I do to help him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This sis an addiction and as such it would not just disappear. The same way he did with the alcohol and the other drugs, he needs to start and commit to his rehabilitation process, working hard on himself, but this time do a much better job, -otherwise he would just temporarily transfer the same core addictive issues to another person or substance-behavior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He requires individual and group psychotherapy and then a support group for his addiction.

Customer:

Thank you! You have been most helpful! He also sees this as an addictive behavior. He is floored that he did this. He even says it felt like he was on a drug but didn't realize that at the time.

Customer:

I don't think he's a sex addict...just an addict that transferred and old habit to a new one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Marriage counseling and joining a support group for codependency could be the best approach to support him. If you feel overwhelmed by this painful reality, individual psychotherapy would be the best for you too, since taking good care of yourself would ensure you could offer wise support while taking good care of your relationship too.

Customer:

Perfect. We have begun the process, but now need to get him back into an addiction type counceling program.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It was just like that, but it is even tougher, because this is not an object but a person who is smart and has will power persuasive ans would do her best to perpetuate the attachment, dependency the addiction, so it is much harder, that's why professional support is essential here.

Customer:

I see. Yes, she played the game very well and it kept him going.

Customer:

Thank you so very much!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up. I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

How can I save this conversation so that he can view it?

Customer:

Again, thank you!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions