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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this situation.
Please let me reread it to be sure about everything you said.
Thank you I am as well
I am sorry but I think your fears are nit unreasonable at all, you described a concrete issue where your boyfriend has not been honest towards you, but has kept denying an obvious issue and literally enabling it while pretending everything is fine.
Fact here is that he lied to you, he has not been but expects you to feel fine with their relationship and for them to share this much, while her behavior also shows she does not respect your personal boundaries and healthy limits there should be between her and your boyfriend. I think his behavior is manipulative and not truly respectful.
I feel the same way too not just because she is an ex I am not crazy I am just very in tuned with my feelings and have been hurt enough to learn to listen to them. The next step I suppose is what to do? I mean is there any way I can talk to him to get him to understand me better? I am no guy so I don't exactly know how to get through to him although I feel as his girlfriend he should just understand me. But I cant asked that of anyone who isn't going through what I am going through.
He needs to deserve back your trust, but instead of showing you total honesty and openness he expects you to be fine with his lack of honesty and now with their sharing, then I do not see how trust could heal and be rebuilt in your relationship.
I don't believe my boyfriend would ever cheat on me I just do not trust her
The fact that he is a male does not justify not fully acknowledging his choices and actions , and not taking total responsibility for them. Denying or avoiding to face these core issues would never help, and I do not see any other acceptable approach but to be fully honest and open, confronting any unacceptable behavior, setting clear and healthy boundaries and limits based on what you need and expect from this relationship, and oping he would do the same, otherwise it would not work.
I am sorry but your boyfriend is an adult, there is no way a woman can force an adult man to do something against his will, unless she gets physical means to do so, otherwise it is always both people who play a role in everything that happens between them, and she is openly show you lack of respect, while he is fine with it and perpetuating their closeness, which does not seem acceptable at all.
It does show he is not setting you and your relationship as a number one priority but allowing this other relationship to undermine yours. Again, it would have been totally different if they happened to have been really honest from the very beginning and then consistently show respect about your boundaries and relationship, but their behaviors do not show that at all.
Thank you for your advice It really means a lot to me you have been a great help :)
This is not only about red flags but about concrete issue around dishonesty, lack of respect, going beyond boundaries, manipulation, not holding real accountability nor working on making real changes to protect and take good care of your relationship and more.