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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My boyfriend and his ex are friends, which I had no problem

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My boyfriend and his ex are friends, which I had no problem with. All I asked him was to never hangout with her alone and to always tell me if she tries anything. I think this is extremely understandable. A couple month ago I had a gut wrenching feeling there was something wrong so I woke up to check his messages to see if they had talked about anything I wouldn't appreciate. I know already this is an invasion to privacy and never had I done this before but I always listen to my gut and I was right to because I found out he was asking her to hangout so they could talk because apparently she was upset. He said it never happened but he had never talked to me about it and it really hurt. He said he never lied to me but he never told me either so that to me is now a trust issue. He recently said he wanted me to become friends with her because she told him she was interested in being my friend. I did not feel comfortable with the idea but I tried anyways. I approached her and started a conversation but as my boyfriend approached me and I gave him a hug she shortly walked away and left in her car without saying goodbye or it was nice talking to you but I have to go. I didn't think that was very nice. She calls him every so often to ask for advice about money or her car or her job. Personally I think if you have a boyfriend to just ask him. When we approach her or she approaches my boyfriends truck she never acknowledges me. I feel there is something not right about her and I tried explaining this to my boyfriend but he doesn't understand me. I think there are certain boundaries an ex has and she has pushed them and he has let her. When I tried talking to him about all this he didn't have straight answers and in a way was sticking up for her. The thing of it is he never talks about her which is good and says they barely talk but I am seeing all these signs and I don't know what to do with it all. He has no control over my feeling but I feel as though he's making me feel crazy for not trusting her and not feeling comfortable with them being around each other. Am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please let me reread it to be sure about everything you said.

Customer:

Thank you I am as well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but I think your fears are nit unreasonable at all, you described a concrete issue where your boyfriend has not been honest towards you, but has kept denying an obvious issue and literally enabling it while pretending everything is fine.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Fact here is that he lied to you, he has not been but expects you to feel fine with their relationship and for them to share this much, while her behavior also shows she does not respect your personal boundaries and healthy limits there should be between her and your boyfriend. I think his behavior is manipulative and not truly respectful.

Customer:

I feel the same way too not just because she is an ex I am not crazy I am just very in tuned with my feelings and have been hurt enough to learn to listen to them. The next step I suppose is what to do? I mean is there any way I can talk to him to get him to understand me better? I am no guy so I don't exactly know how to get through to him although I feel as his girlfriend he should just understand me. But I cant asked that of anyone who isn't going through what I am going through.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He needs to deserve back your trust, but instead of showing you total honesty and openness he expects you to be fine with his lack of honesty and now with their sharing, then I do not see how trust could heal and be rebuilt in your relationship.

Customer:

I don't believe my boyfriend would ever cheat on me I just do not trust her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The fact that he is a male does not justify not fully acknowledging his choices and actions , and not taking total responsibility for them. Denying or avoiding to face these core issues would never help, and I do not see any other acceptable approach but to be fully honest and open, confronting any unacceptable behavior, setting clear and healthy boundaries and limits based on what you need and expect from this relationship, and oping he would do the same, otherwise it would not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but your boyfriend is an adult, there is no way a woman can force an adult man to do something against his will, unless she gets physical means to do so, otherwise it is always both people who play a role in everything that happens between them, and she is openly show you lack of respect, while he is fine with it and perpetuating their closeness, which does not seem acceptable at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does show he is not setting you and your relationship as a number one priority but allowing this other relationship to undermine yours. Again, it would have been totally different if they happened to have been really honest from the very beginning and then consistently show respect about your boundaries and relationship, but their behaviors do not show that at all.

Customer:

Thank you for your advice It really means a lot to me you have been a great help :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not only about red flags but about concrete issue around dishonesty, lack of respect, going beyond boundaries, manipulation, not holding real accountability nor working on making real changes to protect and take good care of your relationship and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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