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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My long distant boyfriend of a year went back to another country

Resolved Question:

My long distant boyfriend of a year went back to another country to visit his mum as she was hospitalised. She has been unwell and all alone in that county.
Previously, my boyfriend supposed to be there only in mid November but last Friday he text me saying he had to catch a flight back soon the day itself if not weekend. ever since I did not hear from him though I did text him 4 times and last text was Saturday. I sent him an email yesterday too. Initially, I was supposed to fly and visit him next week. ticket bought but now.. I didn't hear from him at all though he said he will try to contact from there, if can.

I am really confused. should I text him again. or should I wait. I don't want to be seen as an irritant. previously when we started out, earlier this year, his dad passed away. I doubted him and it was bad we nearly broke up . in fact we did for 2 weeks. but we didn't talk about it. we reconciled when I flew over.

It has been a year of long distance. there was no mention of future plans. He is a divorcee with two sons 21 and 18. I am feeling lost. we don't Skype, or chat on phone. but we text very regularly everyday. at least two messages from him and sometimes on good days 10 messages.

I am very lost now.. He didn't contact me at all since last Friday when he said he had to fly to visit his mum. what should I do?
Also, why is there no plans for out LDR. previously there was when we started out. but after his dad passed away,his mum left alone, in September he told me he needs to be with his mum for a while. maybe to even get a job there and leave his sons alone in his country.
Is this guy serious with me? we have met 7 times.. I flew 6 times he flew once over in Aug.
What should I do now? that he is not contacting me too.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.

It sounds like your partner is not putting your needs first. While it is understandable that he is dealing with a lot of stress with his mother's situation, he still should be at least giving you updates and letting you know his status. This can be easily done with a short text, phone call or email. But he has not done any of that.

You have also tried to contact him and he has not responded, which sends the message to you that he is not willing to see your needs as important. If you have agreed to go with him to see his mother and already have a ticket, then it is wrong of him to ignore you.

Another concern is his willingness to leave his two sons behind and settle in his mother's country. While she might need help, leaving your family and partner behind without even talking about it or making arrangements is odd. Even if his mother is very ill, he could arrange someone to be with her while he sorts out things at home. And he should at least be letting you know what he is doing.

At this point, you have tried several times to contact him with no response. You can try again, but this time, consider letting him know that you need an answer now. You do not deserve to be treated this way, no matter his circumstances.

Also, you might want to consider letting the situation go and seeing if he contacts you. You should not be expected to put your life on hold waiting for him, especially if he is not responding to you. So giving him a specific amount of time to respond then moving on is also an option. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone do what is right to do in a relationship. All you can do is give them a chance and then decide what you need to do for yourself.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate







May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Hi sorry for the delay. something seems wrong I cant reply u.

 

I was supposed to visit my bf next week. not his mum.

but his mum has been hospitalised on Friday. so he had to fly. I tried text him 3 times on Friday and reminded him to update me when he was flying. there was not response. then sat I sent again. and an email no reply.

 

I was wondering could he be very stressed? previously that was what happened too in February when his dad passed away and he flew to Greece. Though he did say he will try text me this time round in Greece, but it was with a disclaimer "if I can". WHY ?

I am not too sure if he has internet access. his mum stays alone. in a a village.

 

My bf was supposed to go back mid November after his younger son final year exam. however, now he had to fly. he made arrangments with his ex wife to look after the younger son.

my bf did say he wanted to be there for 10 weeks and perhaps look for a job there while looking after his mum that time when he wanted fly in mid Nov. I asked about us. he said same. meaning LDR.

I sent 2 emails asking him future plans for us. there wasn't a reply. In fact last Thurs, I sent him again... just before his mum was hospitalised.

 

My bf keeps things to himself. Even his best friend didn't know his dad passed away. Today I sent a causal email to his best friend. just to inform him my bf is back with his mum.

 

I dare not send him another text or even worst tell him to respond by certain time. Would I been seen as not understanding?

I don't know. Yet like u say, even before his mum was hospitalised how could he plan to go there for weeks without plans for us? he has been stressed too cause his mum is very sick and is all alone in a village in Greece.

 

I am lost. should I text him? I really love him.. and I don't even know if I should change my flight next week. I am quite sure he may not be back in his country.

Also in February, when his dad passed away, I kept texting him , he was mad at me, saying I did not give him space.

We broke up..

then march we reconciled. since then we have been very close. until recently I got upset when I realised he planned to go Greece for god knows how long... without sparing a thought for me.

I dare not ask cause I am afraid to be hurt... by his answer... to end it..

I am very unhappy now

 

Now I am so confused even to the extent thinking are we still a couple.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
Sorry you are experiencing difficulty with replying to my answer. The moderators at customer service can definitely help you if you experience trouble again.

It is always hard to say why a person does what they do especially if they are not willing to communicate. And if your boyfriend is known for keeping things to himself, he could be handling his stress this way instead of reaching out for support. But that does not help you, unless you are ok with being on the end of no information or contact while your boyfriend goes through a tough time.

You can try again to contact him. And even if he does not have internet, he can call you if he wants to. At this point, you have done all you can to deal with the situation. The only thing left is to try once more then move on. If he wants to, he will contact you again. I know that is hard to deal with, but if this is his way and he won't change, you need to decide if this works or you or not.

Kate
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


that's what I think. if call is too expensive, he could always send me a text.


I really don't feel loved at all or important to him., but that was exactly what happened in February too when his dad passed away. he went missing in action for 2-3 weeks in Greece. not any form of contact till I was seen as pestering him then he replied.


 


I thought of taking your advice and text him now.


Could u advise me how should I text him so that I am seen not as an irritant and not understanding?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
You can keep it simple and just tell him that you have made an effort to contact him but you have not heard back. Let him know that you appreciate he is in a bad situation but leaving you on the outside does not help your relationship. Then ask him to contact you as soon as possible and let you know where he stands with your relationship.

Kate
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

thank you. but


 


would it be seen as coming on too strongly asking him about where I stand in relationship? especially his mum in such situation?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
You can always wait if you want, but at this point, he has created the situation and needs to let you know where you both stand so you can move on if needed.

Kate
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


You seemed right..


I guess I have been thinking too much for him...


 


I will text him now.


 


Thank you so much

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
You're welcome!
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


wish me luck!:-)

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 9 months ago.
My best to both of you! Take care

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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