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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My wife and I met in the navy. I recently separated in July.

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My wife and I met in the navy. I recently separated in July. We married and she left for a 9 month deployment. We have been keeping pretty solid communication through email. Recently we have been arguing, but we moved past it. The only problem is that since then her emails have been short, sometimes blunt. I asked her to call and we talked about it. Her excuse was that 'she sucks at this'. She assured me that everything was fine. She just said "its just we aren't together". I have been distancing myself a little back, and now she is sending longer messages again. Telling me that I'm all she thinks about, and that she loves me. Im only sending this message because I feel like I'm constantly confused and nervous about this. I don't believe she is unfaithful, or that she fell out of love. I think its just I'm always available to her, and she gets used to it. I don't want to have to distance myself, because I love her. I don't know I feel like it shouldn't be like this. Is there any light you could shed on this for me, I've been having a hard time lately. Thank you
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long have you known each other and how long ago did you get married?

Customer:

I have known her since December of last year.we were inseparable since we worked and lived together. We got married in July of this year

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you did not have much time to know each other and share because of your life circumstances. This is truly sand and frustrating, and most people in your shoes would feel this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you identified the core issues around your recent arguing?

Customer:

Money was the reason. But she sought advice from one of my good married friends on the ship.

Customer:

We talked it out and figured it out though

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What she said is very clear and could be the core issue here, the fact that you have not had the chance to truly enjoy more time together after getting married, which is essential for any couple to work on deepening their mutual knowledge of each other, understanding, communication and intimacy, since from there real fulfillment and resilience in the relationship arise,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you tell me more how money was the core issue affecting your relationship ?

Customer:

It wasn't major arguments, just one to be exact. We resolved it though. She isn't a very selfish person, and she was understanding

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that distancing yourself from her would not help you, this i s a tough challenge for both of you, and the last thing you need is to get more distant emotionally and in your communication, which needs to be protected and fortified by frequent sharing, being truly open and honest with each other, not allowing the physical distance to undermine your marriage even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Those situations related to your jobs that you cannot control will continue being there for a while, then you need to focus on what you can actually control to take good care of your marriage, and commit to it, it should become a number one priority and use all the means available to make it work for both of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The more you communicate and share the better, this is not only a way to feel good, but essential for you to protect and build your marriage, once these good and fulfilling and healthy experiences in relationships do not just happen, they are actually built by this constant and hard work together as a team, take time and effort, including facing challenges and problems, and learning from them.

Customer:

Yes I see. But its either I am always available to her and she gets less appreciative of it. Or I keep a little distance and she reaches out. Should I just take a step back from it and see how she reacts to it?

Customer:

Its just I am not fully sure she is committed, or just caught up in the routine over there. She works long hours and is tired when she can send. I try to understand and be there, but how can I do that constantly without my fulfillment?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would not suggest such strategy as a healthy one, even more is she is literally complaining about the fact that you are not together as the core issue affecting your marriage. Pushing yourself away from her would not be the best approach to support the intimacy, trust and fulfillment you long for and need in your marriage. Unless you happen to have been pushing her too much, then only in that case I would agree that decreasing the intensity of it would help, otherwise it would not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is not truly committed to your marriage, then distancing yourself from her would not help, it could push her to change behaviors or of fear, but it would not truly help making necessary changes to promote your marriage health integrity and fulfillment.

Customer:

Yes I would admit that I may have placed too much pressure on her. But, its only because I care so much about the relationship. But, I understand what you're suggesting. I do believe she is very faithful and loving. I probably just need to give her space and support her through these hard times

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree that not pushing her but promoting open and honest dialogue would make more evident the core issues and needs you have in your marriage. You need to be totally honest and open to discuss what you feel, fear and expect from reach other, to find out if you really are in the same page, able and willing to work on it and to find out how to make it work if both really want it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally agree.

Customer:

And yes I admit that I push myself I tad too much.

Customer:

I was afraid she was losing interest in the relationship. But if iI was pushing too much, would it cause her to pull away a little?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Even when young married couples are physically together, there is nothing that could guaranty how well or not the relationship would evolve, but you could always focus on working on yourself and together as a team, being understanding, empathic, supportive and compassionate to promote the best chances in this process, specially if tough challenges like these arise.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could, but no way to know for sure unless he allows herself to be totally honest and open towards you about her feelings, concerns and problems This is why I suggest you to work on these areas as much as possible.

Customer:

Ok I see. Thank you for answering my question.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here and for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me to follow up or if you have any further questions, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

Ok I will thank you for everything. I will let you know how everything goes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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