Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
Yes it is reasonable for you to feel the way you do and desire her not to do that, but more could be at play here. It seems to me that she has a problem with alcohol and needs to drink.
I will wait for you to come online so we can chat further about it.
Yes, alcohol abuse seems to be a problem for her. She equates me going out to dinner with business associates or friends the "same" as her sitting on a bar stool alone by herself.
yes because she needs to make her drinking okay by thinking you are doing the same. What efforts have been made to get her into treatment?
she has been seeing a therapist for 3 months twice a week but still believes I am a hypocrite
And just to be clear...do you have any problem with alcohol?
ok. Well it would seem to me that more needs to be done in addition to therapy...such as AA or inpatient treatment
she went and quit
ok so now you are clear on what you are dealing with. She clearly is in the throes of the disease and she has yet to want to get help. Children?
she has 2 kids and I have two of my own
and how old are all the kids and what impact has all of this had?
i would also suggest that you ask to go for a session with the therapist so you can express your concerns and bring in more treatment focused on the alcohol abuse
it has split our family up after one year of marriage. her kids drink out of control, brought drugs into my house. her boys are 17 & 21 and I had to remove them from the house. my girls are 16 & 18 and my 16 yr old left to go live with her mom becuase of the dysfunction
so when i removed her oldest son she moved out and wants to date me for 2 more years until her son graduates from high school. we are married
I am so sorry to hear of this. Are you getting any support as you are dealing with so much? If you cant get her to stay in the right treatment then right now the focus has to be on you and your kids
no I am not getting any support. I am paying for 2 houses, college for her kid and mine and running my business and paying all the bills
my youngest daughter left after 3 years of being with me full time and hardly talks to me over this mess
A lot of stress for you. you can go to free al anon groups which are specifically for loved ones of alcoholics.
you are in such pain and i feel for what is going on. the goal now needs to be you and your kids and getting things back on track.
if your wife is not ready to go for treatment you can try but she will not go until she is ready.
Yes I should go. she got drunk last night and brought this whole issue up again, saying I am a hypocrite.
I think it is a recipe for disaster for a married person to go into a bar by themselves and sit on a bar stool anytime of day
easier to put the focus back on you. but she needs treatment and you need support so that you can see how to help yourself and your kids...you deserve that
yes but that is an indication of how out of control her problem is
plus lie about it and do it frequently
12 different bars in one month
her excuse was so that no one would see her as a regular
yes the lying is also part of the disease.
what do you need? that is the focus right now
I think I need to divorce her and move on
It doesn't make sense to live in two different houses for 2+ years.
I am afraid then when he goes to college she will say its another four years so that when he comes home from college he has a comfortable place to come home to.
i hear your feelings and I would suggest that you get the support that you need so that if you make that choice you are not alone in it and can see the disease clearly.
I won't tolerate drugs in my house and he has been caught 8 times in the house and 2 by the police
and once at school
if the alcohol isnt dealt with then there will never be a good time
Take a look here for al anon in your area. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
she says her counselor is saying she is just an alcohol abuser and not an alcoholic
yet alcohol is almost always at the root of our problems outside of her kids
whats the difference? What distinction is this therapist making?
i dont see the difference....
is alcohol causing disruptions in her life? yes
are her relatiosnhips suffering? yes
she tells her that she doesn't need a drink, no addiction physically -
can seh control her drinking? no
I dont hear that. and all alcholics or abusers feel that
we were at college week end for my my daughter this week end and last night after my daughter went to bed she went off on me, yelling, threatening to walk home from Boston to Maine because I haven't wore my wedding ring over the last 10 days
she had been drinking of course
it ruined the rest of the night, today and probably this week as well
yes and nothing can be discussed when she is drinking. the time now is for you and to figure out what you need and get that support. that is clear
an intervention with her may be needed and then she can decide again if she chooses treatment.
she was suppose to stay at our house since her younger son is his dads but instead she went to the condo I got her
literally just trying to argue her behavior is the same as mine and I was highly unjust to her in my expectations.
I finally just told her to go do what she wants
There is no winning that argument and I would not engage in any of it
I am burned out - it is pretty logical to me that married people don't lie about their where abouts to their spouse nor do they sit in bars by themselves without friends or their spouse
ok - thank you for your time. I just wanted to make sure I am not crazy
because she has an illness and needs help but only she can agree to that so now it is up to you to focus on you and your recovery from being married to someone who is an alcholic
you are not crazy. come back to me anytime
please take a moment to offer a rating of my work and support.
please take care of yourself now
and your kids
it is so sad, I really believe I met my soulmate, but she is so blinded by alcohol and her putting her boys above all else, it is enabling them to be binge drinkers, drug dealers & users
will do - thank you