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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Is it reasonable for a husband to expect his wife to not go

Resolved Question:

Is it reasonable for a husband to expect his wife to not go to bars all by herself and sit and drink on a bar stool ? (after work & early evening)
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

Yes it is reasonable for you to feel the way you do and desire her not to do that, but more could be at play here. It seems to me that she has a problem with alcohol and needs to drink.

Coach Jen K. :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat further about it.

Customer:

Yes, alcohol abuse seems to be a problem for her. She equates me going out to dinner with business associates or friends the "same" as her sitting on a bar stool alone by herself.

Coach Jen K. :

yes because she needs to make her drinking okay by thinking you are doing the same. What efforts have been made to get her into treatment?

Customer:

she has been seeing a therapist for 3 months twice a week but still believes I am a hypocrite

Coach Jen K. :

And just to be clear...do you have any problem with alcohol?

Customer:

zero

Coach Jen K. :

ok. Well it would seem to me that more needs to be done in addition to therapy...such as AA or inpatient treatment

Customer:

she went and quit

Coach Jen K. :

ok so now you are clear on what you are dealing with. She clearly is in the throes of the disease and she has yet to want to get help. Children?

Customer:

she has 2 kids and I have two of my own

Coach Jen K. :

and how old are all the kids and what impact has all of this had?

Coach Jen K. :

i would also suggest that you ask to go for a session with the therapist so you can express your concerns and bring in more treatment focused on the alcohol abuse

Customer:

it has split our family up after one year of marriage. her kids drink out of control, brought drugs into my house. her boys are 17 & 21 and I had to remove them from the house. my girls are 16 & 18 and my 16 yr old left to go live with her mom becuase of the dysfunction

Customer:

so when i removed her oldest son she moved out and wants to date me for 2 more years until her son graduates from high school. we are married

Coach Jen K. :

I am so sorry to hear of this. Are you getting any support as you are dealing with so much? If you cant get her to stay in the right treatment then right now the focus has to be on you and your kids

Customer:

no I am not getting any support. I am paying for 2 houses, college for her kid and mine and running my business and paying all the bills

Customer:

my youngest daughter left after 3 years of being with me full time and hardly talks to me over this mess

Coach Jen K. :

A lot of stress for you. you can go to free al anon groups which are specifically for loved ones of alcoholics.

Coach Jen K. :

you are in such pain and i feel for what is going on. the goal now needs to be you and your kids and getting things back on track.

Coach Jen K. :

if your wife is not ready to go for treatment you can try but she will not go until she is ready.

Customer:

Yes I should go. she got drunk last night and brought this whole issue up again, saying I am a hypocrite.

Customer:

I think it is a recipe for disaster for a married person to go into a bar by themselves and sit on a bar stool anytime of day

Coach Jen K. :

easier to put the focus back on you. but she needs treatment and you need support so that you can see how to help yourself and your kids...you deserve that

Coach Jen K. :

yes but that is an indication of how out of control her problem is

Customer:

plus lie about it and do it frequently

Customer:

12 different bars in one month

Customer:

her excuse was so that no one would see her as a regular

Coach Jen K. :

yes the lying is also part of the disease.

Coach Jen K. :

what do you need? that is the focus right now

Customer:

I think I need to divorce her and move on

Customer:

It doesn't make sense to live in two different houses for 2+ years.

Customer:

I am afraid then when he goes to college she will say its another four years so that when he comes home from college he has a comfortable place to come home to.

Coach Jen K. :

i hear your feelings and I would suggest that you get the support that you need so that if you make that choice you are not alone in it and can see the disease clearly.

Customer:

I won't tolerate drugs in my house and he has been caught 8 times in the house and 2 by the police

Customer:

and once at school

Coach Jen K. :

if the alcohol isnt dealt with then there will never be a good time

Coach Jen K. :

Take a look here for al anon in your area. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Customer:

she says her counselor is saying she is just an alcohol abuser and not an alcoholic

Customer:

yet alcohol is almost always at the root of our problems outside of her kids

Coach Jen K. :

whats the difference? What distinction is this therapist making?

Coach Jen K. :

i dont see the difference....

Coach Jen K. :

is alcohol causing disruptions in her life? yes

Coach Jen K. :

are her relatiosnhips suffering? yes

Customer:

she tells her that she doesn't need a drink, no addiction physically -

Coach Jen K. :

can seh control her drinking? no

Coach Jen K. :

I dont hear that. and all alcholics or abusers feel that

Customer:

we were at college week end for my my daughter this week end and last night after my daughter went to bed she went off on me, yelling, threatening to walk home from Boston to Maine because I haven't wore my wedding ring over the last 10 days

Customer:

she had been drinking of course

Customer:

it ruined the rest of the night, today and probably this week as well

Coach Jen K. :

yes and nothing can be discussed when she is drinking. the time now is for you and to figure out what you need and get that support. that is clear

Coach Jen K. :

an intervention with her may be needed and then she can decide again if she chooses treatment.

Customer:

she was suppose to stay at our house since her younger son is his dads but instead she went to the condo I got her

Customer:

literally just trying to argue her behavior is the same as mine and I was highly unjust to her in my expectations.

Customer:

I finally just told her to go do what she wants

Coach Jen K. :

There is no winning that argument and I would not engage in any of it

Customer:

I am burned out - it is pretty logical to me that married people don't lie about their where abouts to their spouse nor do they sit in bars by themselves without friends or their spouse

Customer:

ok - thank you for your time. I just wanted to make sure I am not crazy

Coach Jen K. :

because she has an illness and needs help but only she can agree to that so now it is up to you to focus on you and your recovery from being married to someone who is an alcholic

Coach Jen K. :

you are not crazy. come back to me anytime

Coach Jen K. :

please take a moment to offer a rating of my work and support.

Coach Jen K. :

please take care of yourself now

Coach Jen K. :

and your kids

Customer:

it is so sad, I really believe I met my soulmate, but she is so blinded by alcohol and her putting her boys above all else, it is enabling them to be binge drinkers, drug dealers & users

Customer:

will do - thank you

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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