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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been seeing this girl, who i met about three months

Resolved Question:

I have been seeing this girl, who i met about three months ago when she started working with me. Since I met her we have been hanging out almost everyday, and things are really going great, we have a lot of fun together each time. The only thing is she is leasing an apartment with her ex-boyfriend who she broke up with just before we started dating, as well as three other roommates. She tells me she loves me, which I believe her when she says it. Her lease ends in May and she is pretty much stuck living there until then with her ex. I really do love her and can see us being together for a while but is it stupid to pursue her due to her current situation?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Customer:

It is very frustrating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How did she decide to relocate to live with her ex-boyfriend in the first place?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once they ended the relationship 3 months ago, how did she plan living with him for all these extra months?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A littlw lees than a year together while they are not a couple any longer.

Customer:

Well she started going to school, and she lived far away from her school so and she was working close to where she lives now so it just made sense. And she was with him at the time when they got the apartment. But they were together for two and a half years\

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then that makes perfect sense, besides of the fact they will not be living there together but there will be these other 3-4 roomates, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I meant they will not be living there alone bt with all these other people.

Customer:

right everyone will be there until may

Customer:

but that includes her ex boyfriend as well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Now, what does not make any sense but obviously appears as a concerning red fag is the fact that regardless you have been dating this long and met families, she refuses to acknowledge you as her boyfriend. How does she justify it? You said you "think" it is because it will make her living situation harder. Could you tell me more about that and what does she tell you about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first part makes sense and could be fine as long as they are not there alone , this was something they committed to before they needed their relationship and now changing it would create serious problems for her. But on the other hand, her decision not to take you as her boyfriend, does not make much sense if you are truly dating and working on building this relationship.

Customer:

Well I asked her if there was a chance of her getting back with him, and she said no. But i dont know whether to believe that or not. She always says we will date soon but she just isnt ready for it to happen. And the other night she got drunk and i had to take care of her which was fine with me, but she asked me to be her boyfriend and I said yes and then took it back the next mornign when she was sober haha

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times when a person chooses such approach it is because they expect to have another chance with their ex-partners, wanting to please them and to work on something more than only friendship or a non-romantic relationship, otherwise clear and assertive boundaries and limits would be set, even more in a situation like this one where she will be living with him under the same roof for a little less than a year.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then you are not really dating, she does not want it yet.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then she still expects something could happen with her ex-partner, or does not feel that comfortable with you to officially start dating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not trust her that much and do not know if she is being truly honest towards you, and this is very important for you to acknowledge, otherwise you could be self-sabotaging, attaching too much to this person too soon.

Customer: Is there a way i could detatch myself but continue to see her?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's been only a few months ago that you met each other, then there is much you still will need to learn about her, but what you have already seen is showing these red flags, and it is wise to be cautious if you do not want to get hurt.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just remind yourself of reality, coming to terms with the fact that you just started learning about her, that you enjoy time with each other, but that she is still attached and will be living ling term with her ex-partner and does not want to officially date you yet. Thus take it the way it is, nothing official, she is exploring and enjoying what you share but not expecting not offering nothing more than that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only if you feel you can handle that without fooling yourself thinking she will take you seriously and commit to you, then you could go on with it, otherwise you would have to set some boundaries and get some distance to see how her situation evolves, and if she really cares and feels enough for you to take some initiatives and show willingness to work on a relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Okay so that is pretty helpful i wish it didnt really have to be liek that though. Is there a way i can approach her and talk to her about this conversation between you and me?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure. If she is truly caring and willing to work on building something more serious with you, she should be open to dialogue about your feelings and her feelings. You would tell her how you feel about these challenges, that you are willing to deal with it in this or that way, and would like to hear form her what she thinks, feels and wants, since it'd be only through that open and honest dialogue that you could better enjoy what you have been sharing for the past 3 months and make it work as good as possible in the present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The record of this chat remains available here for you or her to read and talk about it: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/82c5g-seeing-girl-met-three-months.html?src=dn

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that actions more than words show you about what people truly think, feel and are willing or not to do and afford.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think it is wise to take dating slowly, getting the time to know each other better, for you to truly know how compatible you happen to be at different levels, only time s could show you that, but for this to happen, both need to be fully honest otherwise you would not build nor promote something really healthy and fulfilling but get hurt.

Customer: Okay then i will talk with her and get her honest feelings about these situations. I really appreciate your time this helped so much
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me to follow up since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: Im not sure if my last response sent but thank you so much for your time this really helps me sort these problems out i really appreciate it
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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