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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi Kim, Ive been in a relationship now for about 6 months.

Resolved Question:

Been in a relationship now for about 6 months. He's divorced and has children. Some patterns of behavior that are annoying at best. I went away for a weekend and on the day I was to return, he said he wanted to come by and see me but had his boys that night so it had to be by a certain time. I had told him I would to let him know when I was close. I told him I was stuck in traffic (which I was). He asked what time I left and I told him and his response was "you asked for that, too late a start." Yikes! I sent him a message this week letting him know some things were bothering me. He said when I was away suggesting I should come home earlier so he can "tire me out"..I didn't like that as I got the sense I was a booty call. Some of his messages to me are like that. Sexual in nature and I won't lie, it's nice to be considered sexually attractive, BUT sometimes I think it goes to far and I feel like sometimes this is the main reason he wants to see me.

I confronted him about this AND the fact he gets angry when I can't see him and says these things. His response was defensive and he turned things around on me saying I felt we were a mistake, which I NEVER said and me saying he was a bad guy. He also felt my questions were disrespectful to him. I also asked if I was just a girl he was seeing or if I was his girlfriend. He's never called me his girlfriend.

What to do??? Was I out of line?

 

Anna

Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear XXXXX,

I believe that I can help you with this question

You were definitelyo not out of line

You were making a good faith effort to see this man when circumstances beyong your control (traffic) prevented you from being there on time.

You were considerate and did the most thoughtful thing possible; message him and let him know.

Rather than a sympathetic response, such as "I will wait as long as it takes, Anna, because I can't wait to see you", or something of that nature, he acts slighted and makes himself out to be the victim.

This is wrong and shows him to be a very self-centered person with no empathy for your plight, but only caring about his own needs.

And yes, it does sound like a booty call.

Frankly, he sounds as if he may sufferer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at least have several traits.

Narcissists will always victimize you and then act as if YOU were the perpetrator and they the victim. They will not care about the feelings of others; they will portray themselves to others as being different than they really are. They are manipulative, they distort the truth for gain, and they care more about control and getting admiration than anything else.

Being angry is way of controlling you. You were not really wrong but he will turn the tables on you if you permit him.

If you want to learn more about narcissists, I recommend this book which may open your eyes and change your life for the better:

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

 

If you think that he is a narcissist, you will never redeem him. Knowledge is power, and you need to find out more about narcissists to see if he fits the mold.

 

I wish you joy and fulfillment and shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

 

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


I guess what really bothers me is that he was ready to write me off after I send him a long winded email explaining my frustrations. He said " if you think I'm using you, just say it, then say goodbye." Yikes!


 


I also asked him if I was a girl he was seeing or his girlfriend. He's never called me his girlfriend.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Dear Stacey/Anna,

This is a means of controlling you, of making you grovel if you want to keep him. This is no way to treat somehow that you care about.

If I were in your place, I would call his bluff and say goodbye. You don't want to have a relationship with such a crude and harsh bully.

You are a girl he is seeing, if you can fit into his schedule and satisfy his needs when he wants you to.

He has ALMOST succeeded in making you think that you are offending him. He is using you and shows you no decent regard, and I am sure that you could do better somewhere else.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott


Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


Thanks for the great feedback! I don't usually do this but I really need to be sure. This was what I sent him. Sorry it's long winded.

 

Here goes:

 

Sorry I couldn't chat earlier....another busy day today. Started cleaning when I got home and lost track of time. Yikes! Hope work is going well.
Before you take any of this to heart, just hear me out please!!!
I didn't email you last Thursday because I honestly thought that you were busy. I noticed your emails during the week were fairly short-winded which told me that perhaps I needed to lay off a bit and let you do what you needed to do. The weekend was a mixed bag of good and bad stress. Same sh**, different day. Unfortunately I couldn't come back as early because I was spending time with my nephews. You say you were stating the obvious with your comment, but in all seriousness I felt it was out of spite because I couldn't get home in time. I was upset also because I feel sometimes you forget that you have the restrictions, not me and I never get upset when you can't see me. This is because I understand all you have to do. Sometimes I don't feel this understanding is reciprocated. You tell me you're not upset but I get the opposite impression.
Although it's nice to be found sexually attractive (I won't lie :), sometimes I feel it goes a little overboard. I've sent you things in the past too, I know. Sometimes I do feel like that's the major reason you want to see me......that I'm filling a void as well as fulfilling a need. Nothing more, nothing less! When I got your email Sunday, suggesting I come home early so you could "hit it," that pissed me off big time! (Aside from that I did have a crazy day and injure myself so I wasn't in a hurry to respond.....sorry).
Truth is I love you to pieces, I really do. You are a great father and I know I tell you that all the time. I've never minded waiting for you but in order for me to continue waiting, I really need answers.
This is what I had sent him.
To top things off he didn't want to correspond and tell me what was so "disrespectful" via company email, which is understandable. So I texted him and he said he doesn't like to text. I asked him if he was still mad and he said YES. I said "l'll leave you alone, sorry." He said "that's probably a good idea." YIKES. AND a day later and he hasn't answered my questions. We've been down this road before when I had concerns and he fills I'm adding drama to our relationship.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


Thanks for the great feedback! I don't usually do this but I really need to be sure. This was what I sent him. Sorry it's long winded.


 


Here goes:


 


Sorry I couldn't chat earlier....another busy day today. Started cleaning when I got home and lost track of time. Yikes! Hope work is going well.

Before you take any of this to heart, just hear me out please!!!

I didn't email you last Thursday because I honestly thought that you were busy. I noticed your emails during the week were fairly short-winded which told me that perhaps I needed to lay off a bit and let you do what you needed to do. The weekend was a mixed bag of good and bad stress. Same sh**, different day. Unfortunately I couldn't come back as early because I was spending time with my nephews. You say you were stating the obvious with your comment, but in all seriousness I felt it was out of spite because I couldn't get home in time. I was upset also because I feel sometimes you forget that you have the restrictions, not me and I never get upset when you can't see me. This is because I understand all you have to do. Sometimes I don't feel this understanding is reciprocated. You tell me you're not upset but I get the opposite impression.

Although it's nice to be found sexually attractive (I won't lie :), sometimes I feel it goes a little overboard. I've sent you things in the past too, I know. Sometimes I do feel like that's the major reason you want to see me......that I'm filling a void as well as fulfilling a need. Nothing more, nothing less! When I got your email Sunday, suggesting I come home early so you could "hit it," that pissed me off big time! (Aside from that I did have a crazy day and injure myself so I wasn't in a hurry to respond.....sorry).

Truth is I love you to pieces, I really do. You are a great father and I know I tell you that all the time. I've never minded waiting for you but in order for me to continue waiting, I really need answers.

This is what I had sent him.

To top things off he didn't want to correspond and tell me what was so "disrespectful" via company email, which is understandable. So I texted him and he said he doesn't like to text. I asked him if he was still mad and he said YES. I said "l'll leave you alone, sorry." He said "that's probably a good idea." YIKES. AND a day later and he hasn't answered my questions. We've been down this road before when I had concerns and he fills I'm adding drama to our relationship.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Dear Stacey

You have opened yourself up, made yourself completely vulnerable, bared your neck to him, metaphorically. A loving man would have adored you for your loving kindness but he did not.

Rather he took the sharp sword to your neck. He knows how to play you and you keep letting him know that you are somehow not living up to his standards.

You love him "to pieces" but he is tearing your heart to pieces by making you crawl to him, it appears. You defend yourself to a point but you keep letting him know that he has control of your heart, and he is not gentle with it.

This is not good for you

I think that you are not being treated in a loving way, and I do not believe that he is what you really need and deserve in your life. You need a kind and caring man who does not try to control you with passive aggression.

I wish you great strength and the wisdom to see things clearly.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


You are right! I appreciate the feedback. I try to be firm but then sometimes I feel like I'm too harsh.....if that makes sense? Now, I'm starting to see that is part of his plan. He responded to this email by pretty much saying the drama is getting old and fast. Says he thinks about us all the time, that I do fill a void in his life but it's more than sex (and I know it!) and that he isn't going to sit back while I sabotage it ( to sum it up). Not going to send you his long winded email :) I appreciate you reading mine though. He hasn't talked to me since yesterday and I don't plan on reaching out to him. I can't believe I allowed myself to be blindsided like this. UGH! I do have to take accountability and know that I did this to myself though.


 


Thanks for your help.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
If you let him respond and reach out to you, you will have the upper hand. He might not, however. Hang tough.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


He may not, you are right. Who knows! I notice lots of double standards too. He was giving me grief about not being able to see him and how "I knew I was going to be late." OUCH! Really??? Yet, two weekends ago, he wanted to stop by and wasn't sure if he was going to make it. I said if he could then great, if not, that's ok and I understand as he's been out straight and busy. I did tell him he needed to let me know either way if he was or wasn't. I had corresponded with him in the morning, yet got a message at 5:30pm saying he couldn't make it. Yet I'm getting crap for not being able to see him Monday. See what I'm saying? If I'm not giving him a hard time and I'm understanding, why can't he be that way.

If he didn't have restrictions, I would have been able to see him later on.

REDICULOUS!! You have been a HUGE help and I thank you.....for your advice..........and for letting me vent! Thank you!

 

Also, do you think any of this could be from him getting out of a marriage where he was betrayed and cheated on. I'm not making excuses for him, just wondering. Perhaps he's not relationship material as he's been a daddy for the past 5 years and not focused on a relationship?? You would know best.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Dear Stacey,

Thank you for your confidence. I think that you would know best. It seems that he just wants to control you by always playing the victim. If you focus less on the details you will see the big picture, that he likes to dominate you.

He has told you a storyabout being betrayed and cheated on, but that is his version.

If you talked to his ex-wife or some of her friends you might see a different picture of a domineering, narcissistic man who finally drove her out.

He does not have a good track record with you and you might ask yourself if you deserve someone who treats you as if you were special, and precious, and adored. If a man loves you he will not brow beat, accuse, blame, and make you feel the way he does. When you find the right man you will not have any doubts.

You don't owe him anything and you would do better if you acted as if you were as much of an individual adult as he is and deserve to be treated that way.

I wish you continued courage. Thank you for your kind words to me.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


NO......thank you!!! Appreciate all of your help and advice.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
May God bless and protect you, Stacey, and give you wisdom, strength, and courage. You are a lovely woman and deserve the best.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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