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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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ive been married for 20 yrs, 10 yrs ago her best friend had

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ive been married for 20 yrs, 10 yrs ago her best friend had an affair, I was building my own house at that time, my attn. was elsewhere. When I finally got wind of the situation, I got phone records to other dudes #'s, she would lie to me and I would track her down with these guys. I never had drop dead proof, she always denied it, but the way she has demeaned me by calling me crazy, paranoid, insecure,etc. all of that has haulted my forgivness process, its caused me to stunt my love for her over the past ten yrs. Are sex life is a mess, I cant get her to trust me enough to tell me the truth so I can heal. I also realize that its possible she didn't cheat and just put herself in a bad situation. Then why the lies, even when I have the proof in front of her. its not like I didn't have a right to no the truth, but then the hatred she shows me to "take it to her grave". I guess cuz of her stickin to the story tatics, she'd be crazy to change her story now. Guess ill just always no she cheated and ill forever be hurt-no trust or I can get a divorce. 5 year old boy I love its tuff. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but everytime I try, she gets extremely angry,defensive,hurtfull, get over it dude. To me its just guilt, trust your gut ya know. How do I get over this? Is the percentage pretty high that she did cheat? Am I foolin myself thinkin ill forgive her? Cuz to me, we all f**k up, but to continue to lie and even worse attack my sanity of the situation, sorry for grammer-construction dude-I will mow your lawn,build decks,etc. if you can attempt to help heal me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and frustrating reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When trust is broken the way it was and no necessary healing work was done in order to grow from it and build a strong and fulfilling marriage, then the core issues you reported become the daily reality of marital life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No open nor honest communication, then poor intimacy and lack of mutual fulfillment, everything important gets undermined by it, and no matter how hard you may try to make things heal and work, it would not be possible since marriage is always about two people, tow hearts, minds and wills working together as a team, offering mutual respect and caring, understanding, affection and support, and when one chooses not to play a healthy and respectful role, the relationship would not evolve as a real healthy and fulfilling experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Denying what happened or your feelings about it, from that time to the present because of her decision not to be truly honest and open about it would never work. it is true that many couples use denial and avoidance, repression and compensation as ways to cope when feeling hopeless about unresolved core marital issues, and they could keep married for many years or for their life times, but it does not mean they are able to build a real happy, fulfilling and healthy mutual experience at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I always suggest spouses to seriously consider marriage therapy when core serious issues like this arise, even more if they have been undermining lives for so long, otherwise the tendency is for these wounds and their impact to get deeper and worse, never better.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No form of abuse, whether it is verbal, mental, emotional or of any other nature is acceptable, subtle or obvious. Long term relationships are supposed to be the best live opportunities for people to make their existences healthier and more meaningful and fulfilling, otherwise what would justify perpetuating them? Unhappily many time s couples stay together because of the sake of children, property, families, social or financial status, and many other factors but because of being and feeling truly loved and fulfilled by their partners. This why marriage psychotherapy becomes so important for spouses to work on making necessary changes to promote their marital healing and growth, and from there ensure their children and family's well-being too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes and its probally has been my lack of ability to explain myself, but every professional[4 or so] has told me to get over it, don't live in the past,etc. but I have found it just don't work. We love each other, its so frustratating cuz I no what she wants to be happy, I just cant seem to give it to her completely. Part of that problem also is that she either don't understand my issues with her, or she don't care, she's stubborn. Getting screwed over in life is bad enough, but nobodys perfect, God only knows how bad ive screwed her over. But , to me, ive recognized my screw ups to her and try to rectify them, and im not perfect, but I see her side and work on becoming better. She also has recognized the situations she put herself in and has stopped that, but when it comes to that 6 month, 10 yrs ago, dirty reality of a young and unhappy marriage-she wont let me feel at peace about it. BotXXXXX XXXXXne is , we are both human, we will intentionally and unattentionally screw over eachother till the day we die. Screwing eachother over is not the sin here, its the trust I have in her from stupid 10 yrs ago. I want to tell her no matter what, its allright but there has to be a open discussion about it to make me feel better, I realize how unimportant,stupid,crazy she thinks it is, but please respect me enough to atleast pretend you would like to make me feel better about all the decievious bullshit answers, excuses, that went on then, and still knaw at me today.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do totally agree with you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Denying the past and unresolved issues still affecting you could not help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see what you need and expect from your wife is nothing unreasonable, but something basic to allow yourself to move on and live in the present to truly rust her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What about marriage therapy?

Customer:

look I got to go. I appreciate your help, I know what to do. Hopefully she'll read this and it will click, and once and for all we can have the LAST discussion about that time and be done with it-I have my doubts though, thanks for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. I support you and hope she allows this process to start and get completed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support having a proactive approach focused on the present, and that's the very best reason not to leave any pending issue from the past undermining your chances, right and need to take good care of your present lives and marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each of you being fully honest and accountable for your own choices, words, feelings and actions without exception, including those core issues from the past that require resolution, is the way to go to create healing and grow, to enjoy your present and move forward.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me back if you have any further questions since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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