How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
57081136
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I went through a horrendous divorce 10 years ago. my ex destroyed

Resolved Question:

I went through a horrendous divorce 10 years ago. my ex destroyed my life. he took everything from me and moved on with a new woman. so many friends and family of mine betrayed me. Im having a very difficult time moving on, first of all because he left me destitute and I harbor so much anger and resentment towards him and many people that I trusted and loved. ive always been a good person. I don't know how people can use u like this when you have. im currently with a man who Is good but refuses to get a job for 4 years now and is living off of me. I look forward to the day that I never think about these peope that have hurt me so much, but how. how do you let go and move on. I also want to date other men because this guy im with will never get a job. im still attractive but over-weight. men on line show interest but im also afraid of being used again. how do people move on
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : You have been through a lot and when a divorce happens people seem to have their own opinions.
Dear XXXXX : The reason why is because people often say things about their partner which influences how people think about the split. But everyone that hurt you should have not got involved.
Dear XXXXX : When two people go through a divorce it should be only two people going through a divorce, but it ends having many people involved taking sides which is very unfair.
Dear XXXXX : Divorce is hard enough and it is very difficult when other people voice their opinions.
Dear XXXXX : The treason for this is people don't understand often what the person has gone through and why the divorce happen.
Dear XXXXX : The truth is only the two people in the marriage know the real truth.
Dear XXXXX : People going through a divorce tend to want to get people on their side to prove the other person was wrong, but again people should not get involved when they do not know the whole story.
Dear XXXXX : Often times the family members of the spouse automatically take their side because they are related and they feel the family member can do no wrong.
Dear XXXXX : Also friends, there will be friends that just choose to have their own opinion and take sides, so people you though you could trust and were friends with show that they were not the friend you thought they were.
Dear XXXXX : A true friends stands beside you through it all whether they feel you are right or wrong.
Dear XXXXX : You needed people to be support and get you through this difficult time and they were not there.
Dear XXXXX : After everything you have been through you have to build trust with others, but you also need to move in from what has happened in the past.
Dear XXXXX : You need to know that their are amazing people out there who you can trust.
Dear XXXXX : But you need to get closure for what has happened.
Dear XXXXX : What I want you to do first is think about what you feel the true reason was why people betrayed you. Think about their reasons.
Dear XXXXX : People special family members do not want their family member going through a divorce do they feel the person should just stay and work it out even if they are unhappy.
Dear XXXXX : But what you need to know is this is your life and you need to be happy.
Dear XXXXX : No can tell you how to live your life. People all react differently when it comes to divorce. Family members get to know the person and they also experience the break up as well, so they tend to get involved to understand their own feeling when they should have been only thinking if your feelings. But the reason why I want you to think if the reason why you feel each person betrayed you is because if you can understand their reasons I feel you can get the closure you need.
Dear XXXXX : One thing you need to know when you start is what ever the reason were they were wrong not to be their for you. Your family members should have too your side no matter what or just not got involved if they are going to take another side.
Dear XXXXX : You are hurt because people you lived and cared about were not there for you when you truly needed them.
Dear XXXXX : I want you to think about who was there for you because they are a true friend and a good family member.
Dear XXXXX : The person you are with now is not working and he should not be relying on you to support him. If you live him give him one more chance to get a job.
Dear XXXXX : If he refuses then you need to tell him you are moving on and that you can no longer be in a relationship like this because it is not fair .
Dear XXXXX : You mentioned people online and moving on.
Dear XXXXX : I feel that what you need to do us think about the type if man you are looking for on a relationship down to every detail. Then once you truly know what you want that is when you begin to look for that perfect man for you.
Dear XXXXX : But you have to let go of the past so that you can fully focus on your new relationship.
Dear XXXXX : You do not want the distractions if all the negativity you went through, you want to be able to move on to trust.
Dear XXXXX : Those people that hurt you do not belong in your life.
Dear XXXXX : You need to surround yourself with positive people, people you can trust never to hurt you.
Dear XXXXX : Think about finding the right person for you and no longer focus in all those things that happened. It is time for you to be happy.
Dear XXXXX : Its time for you to find the person you were meant to be with.
Dear XXXXX : Its time for you to live the life you want and the people who live and care for you will always be supportive in everything you do.
Dear XXXXX : You mentioned men online show interest that is because they want to get to know you.
Dear XXXXX : People are attracted to certain types of people. I believe you will find the right person for you.
Dear XXXXX : But you have to move on from all the hurt from the past. People in order to fix this need to find the reason why the person did certain things.
Dear XXXXX : Everyone thinks differently and you need to understand why these people hurt you, then you can move on. The reason why you are having trouble is because you can not fix the problems that happened but you can understand why. People have trouble with things that they can't fixit find a solution.
Dear XXXXX : This is why each person that betrayed you has a reason fir what they did even though it was wrong.
Dear XXXXX : Look at their reasons and see if you can make sense of why they reacted that way.
Dear XXXXX : Also it does help to confront how you feel as well.
Dear XXXXX : Time has past but you still can tell those people how you feel. This helps in saying what you always wanted to say, even if you write it down. It will help get those emotions out that you are carrying around.
Dear XXXXX : I am sure you have so much you would like to say and you just couldn't at the time so all those emotions built up causing anger and resentment.
Dear XXXXX : Now it's time to open up get all your emotions to the surface and get rid of those emotions that have been burdening your life.
Dear XXXXX : You want to be able to start over fresh with a new relationship and not think about the past.
Dear XXXXX : You deserve to move on and trust again.
Dear XXXXX : Closure is the first step.
Dear XXXXX : Then it's time to go after that life you want.
Dear XXXXX : Once you find what you are looking for you will no longer think about what has happened in the past.
Dear XXXXX : You will only want to focus on this exciting new life.
Dear XXXXX : Thank you so much for your question.
Customer:

a lot of these people wont speak to me. if I write them a letter I don't believe they will read it. how d yu get closure anyway

Dear XXXXX :

a lot of people will not speak with you and this makes things worse because you are not able tot express how you feel.

Dear XXXXX :

You are not able to get rid of those emotions that you are carrying around with you everyday.

Dear XXXXX :

It is a problem you are trying to solve and you can not because certain people will not talk with you.

Dear XXXXX :

They never got to hear your side because they just decided to walk away.

Dear XXXXX :

It is not fair too you to feel this hurt.

Dear XXXXX :

I do feel they would read the letter, most people would read a letter just out of curiosity.

Dear XXXXX :

I am sure they would wonder what you had to say and read the letter. You need to express your emotions so that they understand that you are hurt as well. You were the one that was dealing with a marriage that ended.

Dear XXXXX :

People needed to have some understandings and feelings toward what you were going through at the time. It was your divorce, your marriage, you never got the time to heal because you had so many people involved it was unfair too you.

Dear XXXXX :

Marriage is two people no one should have been involved.

Dear XXXXX :

You and your ex needed to just resolve the divorce together without all this interference.

Dear XXXXX :

Now you have people who will not talk with you.

Dear XXXXX :

In order for you to move on and get closure you need to tell every single person how you feel. If you get all your emotions out, you will feel better. You have been holding in all this anger and resentment because you have not been able to talk about this with the people that hurt you. I feel a letter would let you get your emotions out, even if you feel they might not read it, it will help you in the healing process.

Dear XXXXX :

You need to finally say what is on your mind. If they do not respond then you got to say what you needed to say all these years.

Dear XXXXX :

It's time for you to start a new chapter in your life.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency