Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation in your lives.
This is truly frustrating and sad. WHile it is something he totally unknown for all these years, an I assume happened before you started your relatiosnhip, the shock of such news use to be overwhelming for most people in your shoes.
I think the fact that you have had a hard time because of your own marital issues for the past 7 years, makes of this crissi something even more painful and challenging for you.
Then his addiction has been a tough stressor affecting your lives for sure.
Absolutely it still hurts and a lot, but now you need to focus on taking good care of yourselves as individuals, of your relationship and family, being very proactive and supportive to each other, since there is no other effective way to cope with a situation like this.
I am sorry to know about that, then there was infidelity in your relationship and a son because of it, it´s very sad and frustrating,and only you know how it feels.
I understand, it makes perfect sense and now i see why you feel this hurt and overwhelmed, since you have been trying to cope with another similar situation already
Then if that has been your reality, I can tell you with confidence that I think the three of you have been victims here, that you need to support each other more than ever, and make things work for you, to heal from it and get even stronger, you cannot risk him relapsing and you all suffering even more because of something you cannot control that happened long ago and that was this child´s mother responsibility to address at that time.
The difference now is that this is about something he did years ago, and he should not be blamed or punished because of it now, but supported. it is tough for all of you, and both of you need to be unconditionally understanding, empathic, affectionate and supportive, not in codependent ways, but as healthy and mature adults who care about each other and about your daughter and family.
I see. If necessary, please consider individual psychotherapy to work on processing this tough situation and coupes counseling, since I truly think you need and deserve the best possible support to heal and grow from it, otherwise it would undermine everything you have worked so hard to heal and build together, and you do not need nor deserve that, nor your daughter.
I see, this is very sad but real, and that's why it needs to be addressed with a very assertive and proactive approach, you do not need to get even more hurt, but to get closer, stronger and wiser form this.
Absolutely, and that'w why you do not want to repress or deny your feelings either, since that would lead to self-sabotage . This is why I point at the importance of getting psychotherapeutic support for you individually and as a couple-family.
But you live in the States, and you could call your county mental health department and request support, they would assess you and refer you to a local community mental health clinic where you could receive these counseling services for a low fee based on your income.
You can qualify even with higher income since they do have this programs that would make it affordable for people who need services and cannot afford direct private practitioners for it.
I understand and I can see each of you are right, this is not about you since this happens before you were together, and he did not have any control nor even awareness about it. But now that you know it is very painful, and it triggers past wounds and fears, and you feel it very real, but working on yourselves, supporting each other as you need and deserve, you can make it work.
Now you need to focus on reality, which happen only in your present, this is what you can and should control, what depends on you right now, everything else would be a waste of time energy and peace, those you need to take good care of yourselves and lives.
Please consider starting individual psychotherapy as soon as possible to work on it, that would be the wisest approach to work on it.
You're very welcome. I support you and truly believe it is necessary and worthy for sure.
Thank you for your trust and please feel free to contact me since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Thanks. Take gentle care and consistent action.
(Remember to rate session before leaving the chat. Thanks).