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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im in a tough situation. My boyfriend found out he has a 12

Resolved Question:

I'm in a tough situation. My boyfriend found out he has a 12 year old son he didn't know about. It is tearing me up inside. We have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter also. I don't know how to handle this situation
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation in your lives.

Customer: Thank you for answering. It's been really hard for me I've hardly been able to think about how hard it must be for him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly frustrating and sad. WHile it is something he totally unknown for all these years, an I assume happened before you started your relatiosnhip, the shock of such news use to be overwhelming for most people in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolultely!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the fact that you have had a hard time because of your own marital issues for the past 7 years, makes of this crissi something even more painful and challenging for you.

Customer: Yes, the problem is we've been through so many problems in our seven year relationship. He is a recovering addict and I've been through a lot of him lying, etc. for the first 4 years. He's been clean for three years now and I was just starting to really trust him then this happened
Customer: He hasn't done anything wrong here, and he says this to me over and over again but I tell him it doesn't matter if its his fault or not it still hurts.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then his addiction has been a tough stressor affecting your lives for sure.

Customer: Yes, he cheated on me in the past and has a 5 year old from it. But she doesn't allow him to see him. She's very manipulative and I don't want any more if the same problems
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely it still hurts and a lot, but now you need to focus on taking good care of yourselves as individuals, of your relationship and family, being very proactive and supportive to each other, since there is no other effective way to cope with a situation like this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about that, then there was infidelity in your relationship and a son because of it, it´s very sad and frustrating,and only you know how it feels.

Customer: The thing is he's been so wonderful to me the last 3 1/2 years and is a wonderful father to our 2 1/2 yr old daughter. We've been doing pretty good, and even better in the last few months until this happened
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand, it makes perfect sense and now i see why you feel this hurt and overwhelmed, since you have been trying to cope with another similar situation already

Customer: Yes, I already know the pain and I'm not sure if I can handle going through it again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if that has been your reality, I can tell you with confidence that I think the three of you have been victims here, that you need to support each other more than ever, and make things work for you, to heal from it and get even stronger, you cannot risk him relapsing and you all suffering even more because of something you cannot control that happened long ago and that was this child´s mother responsibility to address at that time.

Customer: The biggest issue at the moment is when we used to argue in the past when he was high, he would push my buttons and say some hurtful things. He would tell me about some of the beautiful Asian women he was with (he says he probably only said it because he was high and doesn't even remember), well the mother happens to be one of these Asian women and it brings up old feelings
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The difference now is that this is about something he did years ago, and he should not be blamed or punished because of it now, but supported. it is tough for all of you, and both of you need to be unconditionally understanding, empathic, affectionate and supportive, not in codependent ways, but as healthy and mature adults who care about each other and about your daughter and family.

Customer: And also, she never told him because he went to prison when she found out she was pregnant. He was in prison for 6 years. She just found him on Facebook and sees he is a different person with a family and he could now be a dad to his son.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. If necessary, please consider individual psychotherapy to work on processing this tough situation and coupes counseling, since I truly think you need and deserve the best possible support to heal and grow from it, otherwise it would undermine everything you have worked so hard to heal and build together, and you do not need nor deserve that, nor your daughter.

Customer: Im trying to be mature about it and I don't want to have my feelings affect this kids life in a negative way.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, this is very sad but real, and that's why it needs to be addressed with a very assertive and proactive approach, you do not need to get even more hurt, but to get closer, stronger and wiser form this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and that'w why you do not want to repress or deny your feelings either, since that would lead to self-sabotage . This is why I point at the importance of getting psychotherapeutic support for you individually and as a couple-family.

Customer: I wish I could afford therapy, but he is in a program where he has a counselor to help with his addiction. His old counselor has talked with us before but he has switched counselors and I'm not sure if she'll talk with us. Since they're not really supposed to do that
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Customer: And he's telling me that this has nothing to do with me, making my feelings seem unimportant. But I've also had a hard time seeing things from his side too. We're both too hurt I think to be thinking about how the other is hurting
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you live in the States, and you could call your county mental health department and request support, they would assess you and refer you to a local community mental health clinic where you could receive these counseling services for a low fee based on your income.

Customer: That helps, I could look into that. I'm usually just above the amount to qualify for help but it'll be worth looking into
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can qualify even with higher income since they do have this programs that would make it affordable for people who need services and cannot afford direct private practitioners for it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand and I can see each of you are right, this is not about you since this happens before you were together, and he did not have any control nor even awareness about it. But now that you know it is very painful, and it triggers past wounds and fears, and you feel it very real, but working on yourselves, supporting each other as you need and deserve, you can make it work.

Customer: It was something that happened a long time ago and since I was hurt before, I pushed him away for a long time. And I was starting to feel closer to him until this happened and I'm starting to push him away again. And I'm afraid ill have to go through all of this healing all over again and asking myself if its worth it going through this pain again. He is very affectionate and it hurts him for me to push him away, then he pressures me saying I should be over it by now. And by not giving me space to heal. This is why I'm asking myself if its worth going through this pain again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you need to focus on reality, which happen only in your present, this is what you can and should control, what depends on you right now, everything else would be a waste of time energy and peace, those you need to take good care of yourselves and lives.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please consider starting individual psychotherapy as soon as possible to work on it, that would be the wisest approach to work on it.

Customer: I love him so much and I feel our love is strong. I have been there for him and he's been there for me so much that he is my best friend and family. And we stick together, I just hope I can get through this easier this time and he will be patient with me. Thank you for talking with me as I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone I know will tell me "I told you so" about him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I support you and truly believe it is necessary and worthy for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust and please feel free to contact me since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: Thank you and I will
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Remember to rate session before leaving the chat. Thanks).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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