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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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hi i am really in a tough situation and dont know what to do

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hi i am really in a tough situation and dont know what to do , my life has literally fallen apart this year. im divorced and in my late 40s. i have shared custody of my 17 yr old son. i have been working as a childrens nanny for 25 yrs - mostly for cash , off the books . i do have a condo with a little equity in it. i have a 2 nd mortgage on it too , so wont be paid off for a long time , i got let go from my last job 8 months ago .my boss lost her job = no job for me . i signed up with an agency and got placed in 2 high paying positions but neither worked out total work time only 4 weeks work then i got a position on my own 3 weeks ago and that also didnt work out , as u can imagine this is a desperate situation for me , because i had rented out my condo last year and my tenants stopped paying rent this past july(lease was from sept 12 to sept 13) . so i have no job and no unemployment insurance , no income , no place to live =ive been renting hotel rooms ,staying on friends couches and using the accomodation site airbnb, and paying all the regular monthly expenses , car ins, 2 phones for me and my son , storage rooms hotels , cant cook meals so eating out alot , car gas , tolls , med ical expense s plus my car is 20 yrs old with 180K miles on it and has broken down 6 times in the past 3 months racking up$ 2,000 in repairs . the cost of the condo is $1850 a month . i am maxed out on all my credit cards to the tune of 30k . i had some savings =emergency fund which is getting depleated very fast i had to get a lawyer to take tenants to court . initial cost = 1500 , . that has been used up now every court appearance is $400 , and every hour outtside that = $350. we have court this thursday. i am supposed to start a job in 2 weeks but its far from where i live now and i dont have a place to live near work , these employers wanted someone within 10 of the job , they have no idea of my situation . my ex husband is treating our son very badly which is making me very stressed out with all the worry for my son adn my bf broke it off with me in july and i have tried to get back with him and he doesnt want to and why would he with all the mess i have now , i m at my wits end and dont know what to do , please give me some advise . actually i think this question should go to a relationship councellor also
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

Wow, you really are going through a difficult situation, indeed.

Dr. Mark :

I'm so sorry you're going through this because you are clearly a very loving mom and a caring person. This must be very tough for you.

Dr. Mark :

When you prioritize what is most important for you to focus on right now, what are the items at the top of the list?

Customer:

i dont know , im so confused

Customer:

-

Dr. Mark :

I can imagine!

Dr. Mark :

It said you were typing, so I'll wait for you to reply with what you're writing.

Customer:

i have this new job coming up even tough i dont feel very confident about it or thats its evn right for me but i dont have any other option

Customer:

im afrid my ex will meet someone else

Customer:

but he doesnt even know the last job didnt work out

Customer:

im afraid to say anything

Customer:

my life was going so good and now its a mess

Dr. Mark :

I'm concerned that you are focusing on your past relationship, which you said ended in July and he has shown no interest in getting back together. Is that right?

Customer:

i hardly talk to my ex husband , since he got with this new person , life for my son has been hell

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

Is this relationship really over for him?

Customer:

he talks to me when we are out actually twice when guys were chatting me up he interrupted and acted like he was all about me , then says hell call and nothing

Customer:

i dont know

Customer:

he did say he wasnt sure about starting up again

Dr. Mark :

Is it possible that you are investing so much of your emotional energy into the relationship when you need to be focusing on your new job and resolving the legal issues?

Customer:

i would love to suggest couples counceling but am fraid he'll blow me off or laugh at me

Dr. Mark :

Why might he do that?

Customer:

no im putting so much energy into everything equally

Dr. Mark :

The screen keeps saying you're typing and then not. So I'll respond, okay?

Customer:

. with the job we have been going back n forth with a contract , theyre supposed to send it to me tonight actually

Customer:

i write then then erase

Dr. Mark :

Is this a nanny position?

Customer:

i fel i tried several times to talk to him , made my feelings known to him that i want to get back together and now its like he

Customer:

yesits a nanny position

Dr. Mark :

Go ahead, it's now like he...

Customer:

i trying to find the words

Dr. Mark :

That's okay, I'm happy to wait. I want to understand.

Customer:

i wrote him a leter telling him how much i loved him

Dr. Mark :

How long ago was this?

Customer:

early september . i didnt get a n initial reply , friend said send again which i did

Customer:

he has never acknowledged it

Dr. Mark :

Okay, so you sent it twice and he has not replied. It sounds as though you recognize this to be a statement by him that he's not really interested. That perhaps,

Dr. Mark :

when he was being like that with the other people around, it was just a reaction, but not really a serious desire to get back together. So,

Dr. Mark :

it sounds as though you see it as being over from his end only that he's not polite or manly enough to tell you. And you're still hoping. Is this the situation?

Customer:

then a bout 3 weeks ago sent him another letter saying that i was willing to do whater was necessary butnow what was the point . he then calls me the next day , but we dance around on the phone and dont really talk about anything

Dr. Mark :

So, what do you conclude from this?

Customer:

i disappeared 2 twice during the relationship earlier this year , then we got back together all was going well until the apt stuff happened , i was a complete mess during that time had 2 total meltdowns while we were spending time together

Dr. Mark :

Okay. I think I've got it now.

Customer:

to answer your question :So, what do you conclude from this? i dont know

Dr. Mark :

I would recommend that you email and/or call and invite him to have coffee together so you can catch up.

Customer:

but how do i talk to him what do i say

Dr. Mark :

When you are together, share with him the timeline, what's been happening with you.

Dr. Mark :

Share how you were very agitated because of your tenants' behavior and the problems this caused. And

Customer:

when my friend found him on the dating site she said ask him how this was going for him - i was so shocked i did and now i regret it

Dr. Mark :

how your career took a difficult turn, which has happened to many people.

Dr. Mark :

Have you had a chance to read what I've been writing so far? What do you think so far?

Customer:

yes i am reading it . i afraid to look desperate to him

Dr. Mark :

Fear is not your friend.

Dr. Mark :

I need you to take some breaths and begin to say that as a mantra: fear is not my friend. Because

Dr. Mark :

you're acting too much from fear.

Dr. Mark :

You need to be acting with him as well as with your tenants, the new job, residence, your son, from other parts of yourself than fear.

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

You have so many strong attributes, do not let fear overshadow them in your decision making. Okay?

Customer:

what does that mean acting with him etc

Dr. Mark :

I mean when you are trying to decide what to do about him you are acting from fear. And this is not good. Does that make it clearer?

Customer:

yes ..

Customer:

how should i act with him

Customer:

how do i not let all these things show in my interaction

Dr. Mark :

By taking some deep breaths and practicing calming yourself. And

Customer:

how do i adress us or should i not even bring it up

Dr. Mark :

This is something you're going to have to trust your good sense about.

Dr. Mark :

If you feel too emotionally overwhelmed, then do not bring it up. Rather,

Dr. Mark :

have a nice time and share what's been happening with you and what's been happening with him.

Dr. Mark :

Because you will be much more attractive as someone who is seeking to have a nice time with him than someone who is desperate, do you agree?

Customer:

of course

Dr. Mark :

Good. Because I can see you're such a wonderful person but you need to let that show. And

Customer:

thanks

Dr. Mark :

that means not being desperate.

Dr. Mark :

Shall I continue or are you typing?

Customer:

please continue

Dr. Mark :

So, we're at the part where you have invited him for coffee and you'

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

re sharing what has been happening with you.

Dr. Mark :

And now the way to feel less desperate and more in control of yourself?

Dr. Mark :

ask him about himself, be interested in him in a positive way.

Dr. Mark :

In a way that is seeking to have a nice time where you are both looking at each other with interest, not you desperately trying to make your case. Does this make sense to you?

Customer:

yes that makes alot of sense

Customer:

but now after i snt taht stupid comment to him on the dating site maybe ive blown it

Dr. Mark :

Good for you. Because that means that you're not totally in fear right now. You're calming yourself and you can see that the best way to have a chance of getting back together is to be you enjoying his company and let him enjoy yours.

Dr. Mark :

Let me reply:

Dr. Mark :

It's possible you've blown it. It's possible you haven't.

Customer:

i like what you wrote

Dr. Mark :

You don't know. But you DO know that you would like to spend time with him and share with him. So, he'll let you know if you blew it or not. Does this make sense?

Customer:

it makes me think beter about it all

Customer:

more positive

Dr. Mark :

Exactly.

Dr. Mark :

Good for you.

Dr. Mark :

Because if you think positively, do you increase or decrease your chance of success?

Dr. Mark :

And if you think negatively, what happens?

Dr. Mark :

You don't have to answer, we both know that now that you're in a more positive mode, you're in a much better position to have things succeed. Agreed?

Customer:

increase

Customer:

yes . actually evryone says to me how i can be so positive but that positivity started to fade several months back

Dr. Mark :

Right. And notice how as it faded, things have spiraled for you.

Customer:

evryones says i am doing amazing considering the hurdales i am facing

Customer:

im very afraid of losing my home

Customer:

again based on what you said

Dr. Mark :

I'll wait for you to finish...

Customer:

im going to court on thursday , so i should be positive that things will start to get sprted out at court

Dr. Mark :

That's right!

Customer:

sorted out **

Dr. Mark :

Put some of your positive energy into this. Because you will look much more inviting in court, much more like you're in the right, and much more sympathetic. Agreed?

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

Okay, now you need to apply your sense of the positive to what we've said about him and the court case and your new job, okay? Because you have that inner shine and strength. We all have fear, it's part of our job description as human beings (I hope that made you smile). But it's our positiveness, our inner positive selves, that moves us in the direction of success.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

what advise can u offer me in terms of my financial crisis

Dr. Mark :

I think you need to get in touch with some of the women's organizations in your area and ask about financial counseling that is available.

Dr. Mark :

You can try Googling women's organizations and the name of your metro area.

Dr. Mark :

And call and ask if they can direct you to a women's organization that has financial counseling available. Okay?

Customer:

great i will work on that . now how should i handle my ex husband , he is making life miserable for our son . its like hes mad at me cause he has to care more for our son and its horrible

Dr. Mark :

Right now you ignore him!

Dr. Mark :

Right, ignore him. Why?

Dr. Mark :

Because you have too many other priorities that come first. Remember at the beginning I spoke about prioritizing?

Dr. Mark :

Well, he's not at the top right now. Agreed?

Customer:

yes thats what i have done

Customer:

i dont engage him at all

Customer:

he deducted 5$ from our sons allowance casue he took a day off sick from school

Customer:

he told him hes throwing him out when he 18

Customer:

he doesnt leave him any dinner

Customer:

its very hard to focus on thev other stuff when i know this is happening to myb son

Dr. Mark :

Hold on for another week or 10 days, okay? You know that right now you need to get yourself in order and then you can help your son. Agreed?

Customer:

but he went to wv this past weekend to look at collages for his fiance daughter !!!

Customer:

yes i am doingbthat

Customer:

yes you are right

Dr. Mark :

Good. Because you need to help yourself first so that you can be in a position to help your son. Just feeling bad won't help him. Again, you need to be in a positive place to help, not just worrying. Right?

Customer:

thats right

Dr. Mark :

Okay. I think we've gotten to the heart of the matter now, your need to be positive and to be YOU, the shining you. And let things unfold. And work things out in sequence as you can.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

so really the message is to keep positive and the rest will take care of itself

Customer:

an when i see my ex bf just keep it happy and light , not bring up getting back together

Dr. Mark :

That's right. Because when we look at the "doing" part of it, you're doing what you need to do:

Dr. Mark :

you're contracting for a new job,

Dr. Mark :

you're going to court about the tenants,

Dr. Mark :

you're willing to invite him out for coffee.

Dr. Mark :

You're doing the right things. Now you have to do them with the positivity they need.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Dr. Mark :

I see you're offline now. Before you leave if you could give a positive rating I'd be grateful. All the best to you, Dr. Mark

Customer:

thank you . will keep reading this to keep me focused

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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