How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have known my wife since high school (about 18 years now)We

Resolved Question:

I have known my wife since high school (about 18 years now)

We got married 7 years back

We started living together 2 years ago

Now i want a divroce for following two reasons.


(1) I have realized that i have compatibility issues with my wife . We do not meet each others companionship needs. (Friendship and Family, Attention, Being Listened to, Guidance, Respect, Validation, Expressing and sharing feelings, Sense of belonging, Nurtuting, Intimacy, Sexual Expression). My wife says that she will change every aspect of her to meet my needs. I dont want this because i think she will resent this change that she is forcing on her and there will be no challenge left in our relationship if she becomes exactly what i want her to be. Am i correct in my thinking?

(2) My Wife has severe fibromyalgia and narcolepsy. So her energy level is approximately 1/4 of mine and normal pain level is 4/10. I want kids. She says she will bear/adopt kids for me. I am not comfortable with her taking care of kids in this physical situation of her, as i think it will be an injustice to the kid of the Nanny takes care of the kids. My wife never wanted kids and now has suddenly changed to wanting kids. How can i convince my wife that her desire for kids is forced on her and that she will not be able to do justice to the kids?

Thanks, Customer
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Your wife's attitute is certainly a testimony to her deep love and regard for you.

Perhaps she cannot do it but I believe it would be only fair to both of you, even if you think this is not going to work, to find an intelligent and experienced marriage and family therapist and try to reason this through with the help of a professional who can help each one of you convey your feelings to the other.

You may ultimately prove correct in your assessement, but you should:

-have an open mind

-give her the courtesy of working with her on communicating your mutual needs.


She may see the wisdom of your point of view and bow out gracefully without so many regrets and pain, and you may see a new and noble side in her.

I cannot predict or recommend the outcome but I can firmly suggest how to proceed in the best manner possible.

I shall keep you both in mind for the best solution for both of you.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Thank you and may God give you strength and wisdom.

Elliott
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

We have met a marriage therapist every week for the last 6 weeks


 


Marriage Therapist said that since we have irreconcilable differences we should prepare for a divorce


 


Now i have two issues:


 


(1) My wife says she loves me a lot. However her behavior does not show this. What questions can she ask herself to understand that her feeling for me are not love (intimacy, passion etc)


 


(2) My wife cannot look at a life without me. Even though she is 33 and well employed, there seems to be a fear in her. What resources can i point her to for her to understand that there is life for single people in America.


 


(3) My wife has had a troubled childhood. Her parents fought a lot with each other in front of the kids. Her dad used to lock himself up in his room to "punish" the family and my wife used to sit outside his room with food. She was sexually molested by her teacher from age 8 to age 14. My wife says that she is beyond all this. However IMO it is almost impossible to be beyond all this without a good professional help. My wife is refusing to see a psychologist. Are there are resources/questions i can give her for her to realize that she is still traumatized by her childhood.


 


Thanks,


Customer/p>

 


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear friend,

Children who are traumatized in the manner in which she was often develop a condition later in life, be it Borderline Personality Disorder (extreme anger, reckless behavior, self injury, fear of abandonment), or Dissociative Identity Disrorder (multiple personalities, loss of memory for lapses of time), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD, a complex anxiety disorder with fear, hypervigialnce, flashbacks, bad dreams, anxiety) and other disorders, many of whose symptoms overlap.

She will no doubt suffer a great deal if you divorce her and so the fear of losing you may be leverage for her to seek help. The best therapy for her may be Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Since she is so reluctant, the best place to start would be some books for her. Let me recommend the following which you can get and work with her using these books:

Product Details

Trauma Through a Child's Eyes: Awakening the Ordinary Miracle of Healing by Peter A. Levine Ph.D. and Maggie Kline



Product Details

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield M.D.

 

 

and

 

Product Details

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal... by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley

 

She can be helped. I know how difficult this is for you and you may not be able to endure the process if she decides to undergo it. You also have needs.

 

If you get the books you will learn more and thus have more focus and direction as to your next moves.

 

I wish you courage and strength.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency