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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have known my wife since high school (about 18 years now)We

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I have known my wife since high school (about 18 years now)

We got married 7 years back

We started living together 2 years ago

Now i want a divroce for following two reasons.


(1) I have realized that i have compatibility issues with my wife . We do not meet each others companionship needs. (Friendship and Family, Attention, Being Listened to, Guidance, Respect, Validation, Expressing and sharing feelings, Sense of belonging, Nurtuting, Intimacy, Sexual Expression). My wife says that she will change every aspect of her to meet my needs. I dont want this because i think she will resent this change that she is forcing on her and there will be no challenge left in our relationship if she becomes exactly what i want her to be. Am i correct in my thinking?

(2) My Wife has severe fibromyalgia and narcolepsy. So her energy level is approximately 1/4 of mine and normal pain level is 4/10. I want kids. She says she will bear/adopt kids for me. I am not comfortable with her taking care of kids in this physical situation of her, as i think it will be an injustice to the kid of the Nanny takes care of the kids. My wife never wanted kids and now has suddenly changed to wanting kids. How can i convince my wife that her desire for kids is forced on her and that she will not be able to do justice to the kids?

Thanks, Customer
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Your wife's attitute is certainly a testimony to her deep love and regard for you.

Perhaps she cannot do it but I believe it would be only fair to both of you, even if you think this is not going to work, to find an intelligent and experienced marriage and family therapist and try to reason this through with the help of a professional who can help each one of you convey your feelings to the other.

You may ultimately prove correct in your assessement, but you should:

-have an open mind

-give her the courtesy of working with her on communicating your mutual needs.


She may see the wisdom of your point of view and bow out gracefully without so many regrets and pain, and you may see a new and noble side in her.

I cannot predict or recommend the outcome but I can firmly suggest how to proceed in the best manner possible.

I shall keep you both in mind for the best solution for both of you.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you and may God give you strength and wisdom.

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We have met a marriage therapist every week for the last 6 weeks


 


Marriage Therapist said that since we have irreconcilable differences we should prepare for a divorce


 


Now i have two issues:


 


(1) My wife says she loves me a lot. However her behavior does not show this. What questions can she ask herself to understand that her feeling for me are not love (intimacy, passion etc)


 


(2) My wife cannot look at a life without me. Even though she is 33 and well employed, there seems to be a fear in her. What resources can i point her to for her to understand that there is life for single people in America.


 


(3) My wife has had a troubled childhood. Her parents fought a lot with each other in front of the kids. Her dad used to lock himself up in his room to "punish" the family and my wife used to sit outside his room with food. She was sexually molested by her teacher from age 8 to age 14. My wife says that she is beyond all this. However IMO it is almost impossible to be beyond all this without a good professional help. My wife is refusing to see a psychologist. Are there are resources/questions i can give her for her to realize that she is still traumatized by her childhood.


 


Thanks,


Customer/p>

 


 

Dear friend,

Children who are traumatized in the manner in which she was often develop a condition later in life, be it Borderline Personality Disorder (extreme anger, reckless behavior, self injury, fear of abandonment), or Dissociative Identity Disrorder (multiple personalities, loss of memory for lapses of time), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD, a complex anxiety disorder with fear, hypervigialnce, flashbacks, bad dreams, anxiety) and other disorders, many of whose symptoms overlap.

She will no doubt suffer a great deal if you divorce her and so the fear of losing you may be leverage for her to seek help. The best therapy for her may be Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Since she is so reluctant, the best place to start would be some books for her. Let me recommend the following which you can get and work with her using these books:

Product Details

Trauma Through a Child's Eyes: Awakening the Ordinary Miracle of Healing by Peter A. Levine Ph.D. and Maggie Kline



Product Details

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield M.D.

 

 

and

 

Product Details

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal... by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley

 

She can be helped. I know how difficult this is for you and you may not be able to endure the process if she decides to undergo it. You also have needs.

 

If you get the books you will learn more and thus have more focus and direction as to your next moves.

 

I wish you courage and strength.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you and God bless you.

Elliott

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