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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6885
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My parents dont like my boyfriend of three years because hes

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My parents don't like my boyfriend of three years because he's not Asian (I'm chinese). One of the main reasons why they don't like him is because he was in a car accident with me when him and I first met and they blamed him for it and immediately hated him. They don't know anything about him (other than that he's Mexican) and I'm afraid that they will never come around.

My boyfriend and I have had this talk many times and he's fully committed and loyal to me even when he's aware of the situation. He says when the right time comes around when he can prove to my parents that he's not who they think he is. The "wait" will be worth it.

This situation is very stressful at times especially when I want to spend holidays or major events with him and can't invite him to those things because of how my parents feel about him. What do I do or how should I go about handling this in my mind?



Already Tried:
I've tried talking to my parents about him and trying to understand their side. I've tried getting them to see the side that I see in him.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
It is possible that your parents can come around. Sometimes issues that are dramatic seem less so later. You should focus on keeping these relationships separate until time passes and they have a chance to see that he makes you happy. Pushing at this time only makes emotions more intense. There will come a time when the accident is a faded memory. You can then reintroduce him to your parents.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I have tried to talk to my dad about him and there was a point where I had moved out with him to gain some independence, but they took it as if I had gone behind their back and that situation made them hate him more. I can't even say his name around them. I understand that me feeling like I have to "lie" about my whereabouts has contributed to he situation. But they aren't open minded about getting to know him and it makes specific situations very hard to handle or deal with mentally and emotionally.

My parents are very traditional and cultural. So, making any decisions on my own that involve moving out or anything is a no. I'd be "disgracing" them and "shaming" them. In my parents point of view, happiness is not important. It's more of a fantasy. They focus more on money and being able to live a decent life (which is making decent money, etc)
Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
It is very unfortunate that you have to live these two lives. If they are that headstrong then you can only ask for compromise. Continue to address that you do not plan to leave him but you need them both. You don't know if they won't compromise later even with strong views. They are part of this power struggle and you are in the middle. Try to find a way to introduce them both without offending anyone. Your patience is everything. You can only resolve this with taking something from each's wishes. They may learn to at least accept him.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

I have tried to introduce him and they won't have any of it. My parents made it clear about how he feels about him and that there's "too much bad blood" for him to want to give my boyfriend a chance. I think they're aware that I won't leave him, but the issue is that when I plan/want to move out with him; they immediately try to put a stop to it. They won't even really give him the chance if he tried to reach out himself. It's a very incredibly difficult situation.

Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
It sounds difficult but for now keep your feelings separate. Time is your friend and it is best to allow them to resolve their feelings about him. You can't force a situation until they are ready. You have to wait this out. You will know when the time is right
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Okay. What if they're never ready or will never want to be ready? It has been three years. Am I going to have to wait until they're in a retirement home? I just feel really sad about all this and I don't know if they'll ever be ready because they want me to be with an Asian.
Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
You don't know that they will never be ready and you can't prepare for that fact. Try to be optimistic. You have to think of the future without being hopeless. They love you and that will win out
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
So, what's your advice for the next year or two on the situation? Keep the lives separate and anything else? Is there anything my boyfriend could do?
Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
Treat parents and boyfriend well and they could grow into these relationships. Pushing is what you don't want to do. Give them a chance to get used to the idea. Allow boyfriend to learn them more about each other by just being neutral. They have to accept them.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
So I wait this out, but in the next two years... My parents will more than likely not even make any attempts to get to know him. They pretend he doesn't exist or they create this kind of fantasy in their head that I'm not with him. Of course I've been keeping them separate because I don't talk to my parents about him ever.

My boyfriend wants to prove to them that he can support me and be that right person (which will come way down the line); but my parents aren't open minded to even getting to know what he does for his career or who he is as a person it is the very reason why I haven't pushed at all.

I feel I'm at a hiatus in life because of where the situation stands. It has been three years and they're worse than how they were when they first found out I was with him.
Expert:  psychlady replied 9 months ago.
He has the right idea. He can win them over eventually - slow but sure.The will look at this situation because they care about you. They are not open but sooner or later but if he is a stable force they may give in Sometimes 3 years is not a long time. Just keep giving subtle hints that he is a good guy. You have to hang in there
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6885
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Okay. Thank you!

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