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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hello, I would like to get a help to write short letter

Resolved Question:

Hello,

I would like to get a help to write short letter to my ex boyfriend who ended (4 months ago) our relationship because he decided to be close to God and he said he loves me but right now he has to be alone and figure out what is going on with him.
The think is for past 2 months he started send me email and share stuff about what is going on with him, how he is changing because of God. Once a week we send to each other mails and I noticed this is not healthy for me. I cry more, can't sleep and I"m stressed. My 4 year old son misses him and asks about him all the time. I have to move on and help my son and myself to heal my broken heart. My son always asks "where is daddy? I miss daddy? We have to find daddy" My ex boyfriend wasn't his real dad but he shows up in our life two and a half years ago so my son was a little boy and he started call him daddy.
We never have any arguments with my ex boyfriend, everything was so prefect and in one day he decided ended our relationship.
In letter I want to explain to him that I have to stop reply on his mails because this is not healthy for me and it's hard for me to forget. I want him to understand why I have to do this. I need help because I don't have enough courage to write to him my final letter and English is my second language.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

I can understand why this would be very difficult--not just because of the English, but emotionally.

Dr. Mark :

So you want to ask him not to contact you any more, correct?

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

He only write email no phone calls

Customer:

I think if he will see I'm struggle with mails and emotionally he will understand it

Customer:

and he unfortunately will stop write to me

Customer:

i don't want ask him to stop write to me but I rather explain why I want to stop reply on his mails

Dr. Mark :

What would you like to happen?

Dr. Mark :

Do you mean you would like to start a personal relationship again?

Customer:

no

Customer:

not at all

Customer:

I love him very much

Customer:

I would do anything to get back to each other

Customer:

I really don't Understand why he writes to me

Dr. Mark :

So, you would like your letter to ask him to clarify his intentions?

Customer:

I was keep asking myself if this will be a good think to do - stop emails

Dr. Mark :

If your heart's desire is to get back together, why would you want to stop the emails? Why

Dr. Mark :

not ask if he's ready to come closer again?

Customer:

he mentioned couple weeks ago in his mail that he is not sure but God doesn't want him to get married. I never asked him about marriage

Customer:

you think?

Dr. Mark :

So it seems like he might still be unstable?

Customer:

You this I should continue writing

Customer:

he set that Holly Spirit hit him

Customer:

That god wants him to help others

Customer:

he is hairstylist

Customer:

Doctor Mark, I really don't know what to do

Customer:

hard situation

Dr. Mark :

That's understandable: he's really made it difficult.

Customer:

if I would knew what is in his head now ..

Dr. Mark :

But before we decide what you should do, we need to figure out what you want and what is possible.

Customer:

always in the end of the mail he writes "Love, Ande')

Dr. Mark :

It sounds as though you want him to be ready to get back into a serious relationship leading to marriage so that

Customer:

Andre'*

Dr. Mark :

you and your son aren't disappointed and hurt again, right?

Customer:

I keep asking myslef why he writes "LOVE" maybe because he is close to God , he loves everybody or he still loves me

Customer:

my son is over 4 years old so he misses him ,

Customer:

I'm hurt , I try to do anything to heal my heart

Dr. Mark :

I understand, but I'm concerned for you because getting back into

Customer:

I try to keep myself busy. school and work

Customer:

I'm 32 and my ex 33

Dr. Mark :

the same situation you were in that broke your heart will

Dr. Mark :

only break your heart again, is this not right?

Customer:

his birthday are this month on 22 th

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

And so I'm concerned that whatever his meaning for the word

Dr. Mark :

LOVE is,

Customer:

he said he believes we will meet but..

Dr. Mark :

he is not emotionally stable at this point in his life.

Dr. Mark :

Would you be willing to date to find a more stable Mr. Right?

Customer:

date with somebody else

Dr. Mark :

Yes, to date other men to find Mr. Right who is stable?

Customer:

I was thinking about that if I would meet somebody but write now I'm compare boys to my ex and I really dont go out anymore

Customer:

all my vacation I stayed home

Dr. Mark :

I'm concerned because while your ex has many wonderful attributes,

Dr. Mark :

he is not ready for a stable relationship.

Dr. Mark :

And so you and your son are left with pain in your heart.

Customer:

I really don't know what he means by word "love"

Dr. Mark :

That's right, you don't and there's no way to know without asking him.

Customer:

yes .. he is not stable

Customer:

I let him in my son's life and he left us so sudden

Customer:

not right

Dr. Mark :

And that he's not stable, is this not an indication that

Dr. Mark :

you should not compare the men you meet to him?

Dr. Mark :

That you should let them be themselves and you see how you feel about them

Dr. Mark :

and not compare?

Customer:

I'm scared that I will not find somebody who treat me so good

Customer:

no arguments , no drama

Customer:

everything was so perfect

Customer:

I didn't even no it was coming- breakup

Dr. Mark :

You have to reread what you just wrote to me and see something:

Dr. Mark :

you say it was perfect because there were no arguments

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

but good marriages can have arguments, that's not an issue.

Customer:

and he was always there for me

Dr. Mark :

But he was not always there for you, was he?

Customer:

and I always was there for him

Dr. Mark :

Yes, and you still are. But he's not there for you, is he?

Customer:

and he was good for my son , played with him all the time

Customer:

no

Customer:

:(

Dr. Mark :

But he didn't play with your son all the time, he's not playing now

Customer:

no he is not

Dr. Mark :

Again, I'm concerned that you are trying to make one moment in his life

Dr. Mark :

into his whole life

Customer:

yes.. true

Dr. Mark :

and he's signaled that he is not looking for that life

Dr. Mark :

he is looking for a more solitary life where he's not committed to another person

Dr. Mark :

isn't that true?

Customer:

he doesn't look to meet somebody new

Customer:

only him and God

Dr. Mark :

He doesn't look to meet anyone, right?

Customer:

and I believe it

Customer:

no

Dr. Mark :

Not even you, right?

Customer:

if he would love me he wouldn't hurt me

Customer:

I guess

Customer:

he said he misses us

Customer:

and he cries

Dr. Mark :

Is that good enough?

Customer:

but I would me scared that he could hurt us again

Customer:

not for me

Customer:

not good for me

Customer:

I have to move with my life

Customer:

I can't sleep , I'm stressed and my son sees me sad

Customer:

not good

Customer:

Why he still wants be in touch

Customer:

he doesn't realized this is so hard for me enough

Dr. Mark :

I wish it was different and I wish you could have both.

Dr. Mark :

But you can't both move on and let the pain he caused fade into the past

Dr. Mark :

and also find out if he really might come back. You must decide. Which do you think?

Customer:

I told him i was the one who got left and this is extremely hard for me

Dr. Mark :

So you now have to decide if you want to go right back into the same possibility of being hurt or if you want to move on. Which do you think?

Customer:

move on

Dr. Mark :

Then your letter needs to be very brief, short and to the point:

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I know that

Customer:

short

Customer:

if you could help me

Customer:

should I send him letter after or before his birthday

Dr. Mark :

and it needs to say : I am seeking a loving relationship that will lead to marriage for me and a father for my son. I had hoped it would be with you, but your life has moved on to a different path. It hurts me too much to keep hoping that you want to come back to us. And so I ask you to please stop writing to me as I need to move on. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Dr. Mark :

That would be the letter; you would cry for a little while and then move on.

Dr. Mark :

What do you think?

Customer:

gosh very emotional ...

Customer:

maybe we should add the emails doesnt help me to heal

Customer:

and hope he understands me

Customer:

hope he will not think I find somebody after this letter

Dr. Mark :

Why not? Isn't the letter to tell him that you need to find someone else because he's not ready?

Customer:

what about if I want to stop because its not healthy for me

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I can see that. Shall we rewrite it?

Customer:

I don't want to hurt him saying Im seeking for someone else

Customer:

yes please

Dr. Mark :

I am seeking a loving relationship that will lead to marriage for me and a father for my son. I had hoped it would be with you, but your life has moved on to a different path. It hurts me too much to keep hoping that you want to come back to us. And so I ask you to please stop writing to me as it is not healthy for me. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Customer:

and could you add something about that I hope he understands me

Dr. Mark :

Okay:

Customer:

should I also mentioned if he needs any help you know where to find me ?

Dr. Mark :

I am seeking a loving relationship that will lead to marriage for me and a father for my son. I had hoped it would be with you, but your life has moved on to a different path. It hurts me too much to keep hoping that you want to come back to us. And so I ask you to please stop writing to me as I need to move on. I hope that you understand me as I don't want to hurt you. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Dr. Mark :

Mentioning he knows where to find you is inviting him to contact you, is it not?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

true

Dr. Mark :

So look this over and see if it is right:

Dr. Mark :

I am seeking a loving relationship that will lead to marriage for me and a father for my son. I had hoped it would be with you, but your life has moved on to a different path. It hurts me too much to keep hoping that you want to come back to us. And so I ask you to please stop writing to me as I need to move on. I hope that you understand me as I don't want to hurt you. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Customer:

do you think if I make a good decision

Customer:

do I make a good decision

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I do. Because he is not stable now, thinking about your and your son's needs. Rather

Dr. Mark :

he is thinking about his needs.

Customer:

that's true

Dr. Mark :

You need to take care of yourself and your son.

Customer:

should I send him letter before his birthday or after

Customer:

one more think so what do you think when he writes in the end of his mail "love Andre" what he meant by this

Customer:

hard to tell

Dr. Mark :

I think he meant it in general. Meaning, that he does feel love for you, BUT

Customer:

I thought so

Dr. Mark :

not that this love is enough to make him change his behavior.

Dr. Mark :

Has this been helpful to you?

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


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5 great service thank you Dr Mark

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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