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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been seeing someone for 5 months they suffer from ptsd And

Resolved Question:

I've been seeing someone for 5 months they suffer from ptsd
And anxiety. He's a real commitment phobe and blows hot and
Cold. He wants me and is very loving. I accidentally got
Pregnant despite being on the pill. We were unsure whether to
Keep the baby but I struggled after an abortion consultation and
Wanted to keep, I lost it shortly after. It put a lot of strain on us,
Particularly him and he got ill. After working through it we are still
Seeing each other. We are setting up a business together and
He has decided after I told him I'm in love with him that he wants to
Be just friends. He calls me his rock and he wouldn't know where he'd
Be without me. We still kiss, hold hands text all day stay with each other
And until last week we were intimate. Sex has stopped but he is still very
Affectionate. He talks about building a future for "us" and we've
Planned ahead things to do together. I'm really confused. He's an amazing
Person and I love him dearly. I don't know what to do and I'm running out
Of ideas. Help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your losses, about your baby and of this relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe in your message is very sad and frustrating

Customer: I don't think the relationship is a loss. I think he is scared of being hurt and hurting me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since it effectively shows a person who has a tough time being in a mature and committed relationship, who is emotionally unstable, an suffers of these serious and chronic mental healthy disorders.

Customer: I'm just confused as nothing has changed between us he is still very loving and
Customer: affectionate
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do agree with you, my words were related to your statement around the current status of your relationship, since you said he told you he has decided to be just your friend, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Didn't you also say that you have not had sex any longer since he decided to keep you as a friend only?

Customer: Thats right. He said he can't give me what I want but in the next sentence talks about building a future together
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe you truly care about each other, and as you said it's been his PTSD, panic disorder and recent illness, besides of the fact he has this serious issue around commitment, what have been limiting your relationship this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How old is this person?

Customer: 25. I am 29 but he is mature for his age.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

And you have been dating for 5 months only, right?

Customer: Yes that's correct
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it could be that his serious mental health disorders are the biggest limitations undermining his ability to be in the relationship, trust and work on it with more consistency, but even then, all his other behaviors seems to show he really wants to do his best to keep it and make it better.

Customer: I never pressure him and am there for him whenever he needs help or support but he isn't strong enough to give that in return so I dealt with the loss of the baby on my own which was hard
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since he is a young person and your relationship is young, I believe the best approach is not to push him at all, but to be understanding, patient, and supportive.

Customer: I have read about PTSD and anxiety and understand that it is hard to escape your own mind and feelings so have tried my best to support him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that is the way it happened.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, these are chronic and serious mental health disorders, but every person is unique and only you know how much you could cope with it and be able to work on a relationship limited by these core and big limitations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is he receiving treatment to actually work on his rehabilitation process?

Customer: I just want an expert opinion as to what is the best way I can help him overcome his fears and anxiety. I know a lot of them are based on stability. His mum left at a young age, both his siblings are divorced. His dad kicked him out at 14 and he spiralled out of control. He joined the marines which gave him stability and a make shift family, he went to Afghanistan and it messed his head up which is where the PTSD comes from.
Customer: He had a child at 17 with the wrong person who uses the child to hurt him. He has suffered a lot of trauma and I really care about him and want to build a happy life with someone he can depend on
Customer: He had counselling whilst in the armed forces and has tried tablets. He goes to the gym and uses routine to control anxiety but he also keeps people at a distance to stop himself getting into a situation he can't handle
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best way you can help a person presenting all these issues and disorders is by being empathic, patient, supportive, affectionate, and assertive sharing

Customer: I can cope with his anxiety and im learning how to word things and avoid a panic
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Modeling the very behaviors you know he needs to learn and develop within himself, offering sound advice

Customer: I just wish I could fix things and he could stop hurting. It's frustrating loving someone and knowing they care about you in return but are scared and anxious. To always be on edge
Customer: I don't know how to give him advice with regards XXXXX XXXXX issues. I don't want to seem patronising or intrusive. He's a strong character and a tough cookie but underneath the hard exterior he's quite fragile.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily here we are talking or serious mental disorders which would not just disappear. healing is not possible but rehabilitation is real, but it depends on real and hard work with adequate professional psychological treatment and it is a long term process.

Customer: I don't want to make out he has a problem or put him in an uncomfortable situation
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can only support him as a friend-partner, but he requires a professional to help him with his treatment, nobody can help him with that but only a professional

Customer: How do I suggest seeing someone without pushing him further away. He hates that he has a problem and doesn't like going to a doctor or talking about his issues
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but there is no way this person could be and feel better unless he actively works on his rehabilitation processes from these serious chronic disorders, and denying, or avoiding these disorders and the need for him to work on his treatment would not help but only worsen his situation, time would not bring relief but deepen the pain and dysfunction if untreated.

Customer: I understand your response. It's approaching the subject I'm not sure how to do
Customer: Do you believe he cares? I want to help him regardless as a friend,
Customer: but selfishly I love him dearly and I can't see the wood through the trees.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do think he does but it is limited by his own serious issues

Customer: How would you suggest I bring up getting help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Love is not an abstract experience but a reality depending on personality, values, beliefs, fears, expectations, maturity , mental health and more, this is why without taking good care of our core needs, we cannot offer and share in healthy and fulfilling ways with other people in relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being fully honest, open, empathic and gentle at the same time, showing how much you care about him

Customer: Ok. I'm gonna try and suggest something and see how it goes.
Customer: Thank you for the advice
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you. Please work on it and feel free to contact me back to follow up.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since I am willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Bye for now.

Customer: Thank you.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Bye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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