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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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I have been dating a man from out of town for over 3 years.

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I have been dating a man from out of town for over 3 years. Although almost from the beginning we split entertainment expenditures, more and more I am paying my way, which now includes meals when we go out for either lunch or dinner or both. I feel this is something he should cover as when he comes to spend a week with me, I use my car for travel, and keep the refrigerator full of food for him. Paying for my meals does not seem unreasonable to me although we split the movies, and other entertainment fees. Am I wrong on this issue and if not, how can I explain my desire to have him take care of this without sounding like a mercenary? Also, he is reticent about me visiting him in his home which is 7 hours away. I have never been invited to his home. What's up with that?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 10 months ago.
Hello and thank you for consulting JA,
This sounds like an awkward situation and if it can be brought out into the open, the awkwardness will subside. So I would have the discussion with him. Here is an example of how you might present it:

"When we go out for dinner, it feels like a date and that you are courting me. I love that!. I do not mind stocking the cupboards for meals at home but I would feel more special and "courted" if you would please pay for the restaurant meals and tickets to event."

Theories about not being invited to his house: he is married; he is a hoarder and embarrassed by the condition of his home. What does he say about this?

Hope this helps
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I appreciate your answer, however, I would like more of your feelings around what could he be thinking after 3 years of dating. Is it simply that I have avoided bringing it up or is this who he is? I guess one way to find out is to bring it to light. As for not inviting me to his home and being pretty reticent about a possible visit, I don't know what to make of it. Again, I need to ask. Any other incites you can shed on this would be appreciated. The fact that I am more financially set then he is makes me feel 'greedy' asking that he pay my way, and yet, I am resentful. Does that make sense?

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 10 months ago.
Yes that makes sense because....even though you are more financially sound....you want a traditional (man does the courting) relationships. Right? I wonder if he is thinking about the amount of money a 7 hour trip costs....that is a possibility. But botXXXXX XXXXXne is, we cannot read his mind. I can hear that you may be wondering about his character ("is this who he is?") and this behavior is not attractive to you. I wonder if there are any other things about his character which are bothering you. Maybe there is a bigger issue here.
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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