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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Good afternoon, I hope you will respond if you do receive this.

Resolved Question:

Good afternoon, I hope you will respond if you do receive this. I followed the same procedure several hours ago but you did not receive it. Let me know. Wayne
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now I can see it here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to join the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am still here waiting for you.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
7:24 PM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
7:25 PM
Now I can see it here.
7:25 PM
Please feel free to join the chat
7:44 PM
I am still here waiting for you.

* I think the chat interface continues to present problems. I hope we could communicate through this means.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Good morning, I believe I owe you an apology. Was I chatting rather than emailing? I didn't know. There was no obvious indication on my screen. What is better, email or chat? I am not accustomed to chat. Wayne
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
No problem at all. Both ways could work just fine. I am here willing to support you either way, now through these postings. Please reply when best for you. Thanks.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thanks. I realize my wife has what I consider is overpowering control over me. I see it is so very obvious now. And I have never stopped loving my wife and I don't really want a divorce. And I know her well enough that she doesn't either. We are just starting marriage counseling, and she's surprising me by doing so but she's not happy about it and doesn't want to discuss past events that have brought me to this position. We must leave the past behind us and go forward, she insists. My fear is that the situation will resurface in a short period of time. We're planning on 6 mos. to 12 mos.. And, I just realized I need to get ready for church. I am sorry. May I respond on my return?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Sure, I will be here looking forward to hearing from you.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
It is a comfort anticipating your professional concern. I've just returned from a very rewarding service at an Orthodox Church I've recently started attending. I find it wholesome and with such spiritual depth. Anyway I do feel I'm going forward, one step at a time and I do want to be careful. Now that my wife and I are communicating I am being told once we're back together, perhaps 6 mos. to a year, we will never associate with my friends who have helped me through my situation and that we will move away from our residential dream home, since it has "bad memories" now, and move to another city. It's not as if my concerns are being valued! That way I am taken away from access to my children and it's easier to control or eliminate communication with my children. My wife MUST be in control, and she becomes jealous easily, not just over my children but especially them, but also over any person to whom I speak or associate, especially female but male, too. I am in the last phase of my life and I want it completed according to my deepest concerns. I do want it to include my wife but I need to break away from my codependency problem and stand strong doing what is right without bending sideways under marital pressure. I don't know how to do it on my own.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
I am glad to know you have started marriage counseling, which appears essential for you to work on your marital problems. At the same time, while it is obvious you want to stay in this marriage, the core chronic issues you report, mostly around your wife's "overpowering control" over you would not allow any significant chance for real healing nor growth in your marriage, unless your wife starts by fully acknowledging her abusive and manipulative behaviors and patterns, shows willingness and take consistent action s working on herself with professional support in order to make these essential changes in her self.

Marriage counseling could be the very best way to heal a marriage, but if both spouses were not willing and commit to work on their personal issues first, with individual psychotherapy or counseling as necessary, it would be helpless.

You are being very clear that you want and need a life where you feel truly whole and fulfilled, but it seems the plan your wife wants to impose implies you withdrawing from what you treasure and love the most, from your children to your own place, social network and more, and I do think it is impossible for you to get any significant benefit from marriage counseling as long as she perpetuates unacceptable and abusive expectations around you, since without basic respect, it is just not possible to develop any healthy relationship, and if we talk about marriage, much more than "mutual" expect it needed. It is about mutual affection, understanding, caring, passion and support. It is never about controlling or manipulating each other, undermining your happiness and well-being, pushing you against your will or any other dysfunctional or abusive pattern.

Thus you need to start defining you core needs and expectations as the ground for marriage counseling, to get to a clear agreement that would respect and satisfy each of you, If during this initial phase of marriage counseling, core serious issues are identified, the person would have to commit to work on herself to make changes, and only if that happens and they an acceptable and responsive approach is showed through marriage counseling, it would become helpful and effective,otherwise it's benefit would be limited to show how impossible it would be to expect marital harmony and fulfillment, since both are you are not in the same boat, offering mutual respect, understanding, affection and support.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thank you. I will take your reply to heart and mind. I really appreciate your response. It is encouraging to me and gives me strength to be very careful and do what is right the remainder of my life. May God bless you and thank you for making yourself available. Our next appointment is Thursday. I'd like to stay in contact for a few more times.



Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
You're very welcome. I feel honored by your trust and truly hope your path becomes a healing and self-empowering one. God blesses us ll, always and unconditionally, and I do feel grateful for your blessings. I'll continue to be here willing to support you as possible. Please take gentle care and consistent action.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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