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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I am in the second round of a relationship that ended

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I am in the second round of a relationship that ended the first time due to lying, stealing, deception, and manipulation. She has been perfect for the past 9 months, but I feel that I am a fool for giving it a second chance after everything that took place. She cheated on me, stole $1,900 cash from me, told me her grandpa died when he didn't, lied about having an abortion with my baby, etc... My question to you is, is it in my best interest to part ways before something happens again? Or can somebody that went to such an extreme of immoral actions all of a sudden change to be perfect?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story, even when it is brief, what you depict seems very clear

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a person to present all these abusive and dysfunctional behaviors, there must be very serious mental health and personality disorders, and when this is the case, it is unrealistic that such a person would literally transform herself in a short period of time into a healthy, assertive and responsible person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am not saying that these changes are impossible, but I am stating that for significant improvements to happen in a person who has presented serious issues like the ones you reported, the person would need to commit to her rehabilitation process with necessary professional treatment, which would take long term work, and really hard work plus a solid and healthy support system

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times this only happens after the person undergoes serious pain and has to afford several consequences from her behaviors, and as stated before, it would take long term work, it would not happen in a few months for sure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me how long did it take for you to get back together and what led you to trust this person after all these serious issues and victimization?

Customer:

we had been together for 1 year. She had been doing all these immoral acts through out the course of the entire year. We seperated for 3 weeks and got back together. She has been amazing the past 9 months. A little too amazing, as she transforms herself and her life to anything to benefit me. If I say I like the color purple, she starts wearing purple hair bands. If I say i like a certain brand of shirt, she starts wearing similar shirts. All seems like red flags to me. To answer your question, she started going to therapy and confessed all the things she did wrong and said that if she made one more mistake, I never had to talk to her again. I gave it a chance, and she has been good for 9 months. Her therapy sessions did stop after about 6 weeks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Yes, this seems too good to be true, and this is why if you choose to take the risk, please be very mindful and alert, do not expose yourself too much, financially or in any other way or you could end much more wounded and hurt than before.

Customer:

my gut tells me that whether she is a sociopath or just a young girl that was lost in life, she performed acts of immorality that I do not agree with. She abused me and lied to my face day after day. Whether she is changing herself or not, the act has already been done and it is in my best interest to take part ways. I risk losing somebody that has maybe changed or I risk getting screwed again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Manipulation, denial, secrecy, avoidance, justification, dishonesty and many more core issues use to be present and when skillfully combined, lead people with these serious disorders to become expert manipulators, and the fact you have allowed her into your life, proofs you are very vulnerable and she know that very well. Please be very careful and keep your support system actively helping you , for them to be alert and support you during this process, since what you already experienced before could be happening and become obvious at any moment, but much more serious than before.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you haven't already, please commit to your own therapeutic process with psychotherapeutic support, in this way you would be taking good care of yourself, preventing new issues, coping better and becoming more aware of reality and what needs to be changed and improved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Joining a support group for codependency would be very helpful too.

Customer:

would you advise parting ways with an in person discussion or with this situation is it best to do differently?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think it would be much better and safer (because of the manipulation power you have allowed this person to have) to do it by a letter, where you clearly let her know about your decision, setting boundaries and making it clear you would noo contact her again nor engage in any form of communication.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From there everything would be about consistency taking actions to take good care of yourself and protect from this person, from changing phone number, blocking-social networking accounts, and everything else that depends on you to support your rehabilitation process from this person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that your support system needs to be well aware of your situation and actively support you for this to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes, this does make sense and I agree with your advice. I will make sure support system is in place. You have been EXTREMELY helpful and I can't thank you enough. thank you, XXXXX XXXXX thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am very glad to know it has been this helpful. Please take gentle care and consistent actions with adequate support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Feel free to contact me as necessary since I am here willing to follow up and support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now.

Customer:

thank you. bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.


Hello Rafael, are you available?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
Yes, I am here to support you.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I talked to you a few weeks ago regarding a relationship. I succesfully walked away by sending an email stating that I was done and that there would be no further communication. She replied by saying this isn't right and asking for a chance to atleast talk. I ignored. I have not heard anything from her since. However, I made the mistake by looking at a blog that she posts pictures and sayings on. She posted a message last night that stated "how can you just walk away and decide someone isn't important anymore. I want to understand. I need closure". Since our breakup the first time after I discovered everything she was doing, she has been great, as far as I know. Do I owe her an explanation to give her closure?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
Yes, I do remember you and have reviewed our chat too. My suggestion is for you not to directly expose to her, but you could send her a letter where you tell her about your decision, confirming the boundaries you have set and hoping her to do the same, to respect them and to take good care of her life.

It would be too soon for anybody in your shoes to know if if this person has truly changed her ways, once in the past all the behaviors she presented were very serious. If with time you truly feel you want to afford exposing to her once more, please do only do if you have developed the assertiveness, resilience and coping skills not to engage in anything dysfunctional, but to gradually explore such changes and see if this person did change or not. You would have to have your support system actively helping you and never trust but only after truly knowing the person's actions in a long period of time around different areas, setting and towards different people, since a person could easily manipulate another, but it is not that easy to manipulate all the other people around her, who know her and about her ways.

Please remember that if you choose to contact her, she would know that you have been attached to her and that would enable and empower her, so this would be a double sided sword, and you would have to afford the consequences of your choices. Please take the time to reflect if this is something you truly want to afford or not before doing anything.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

i understand your points. I am going to ignore her blog post. the message was on a bulletin that is visible to general public. If she sends me a direct message asking for reasons so she can have closure, I will reach back to you for advice. This is most likely just a test from her to see if I am still there. I don't want to give her anything to work with. thank you very much again!

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.
I think this is the safest and most assertive approach. I support you. Thank you for your trust.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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