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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3038
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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How do I give closure in a toxic relationship?

Resolved Question:

How do I give closure in a toxic relationship?
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long were you dating this person and how long ago did it get so dysfunctional for you to decided to end it?

Customer:

We met in May of 2012 while I was on vacation in Las Vegas where he works. I was living in CT. I moved to Las Vegas in May 2013 for a job. He had no time to see me for 3 weeks of me being here. We slowly started dating and he did not take me very seriously. He was constantly talking to other girls over the phone and facebook. He had the lifestyle of staying out and drinking heavily. He has pushed me and put me in harms way while intoxicated. I've tried to break it off several times. His reply was always that he would change and appreciate me. Finally in mid August I decided to end it completely. The last time I saw him was at the end of August. He has become extremely apologetic and blames himself for not appreciating me when I was available to him and made him my priority. The less I respond the more upset he gets. He has contacted me friends and my work during this time that I have blocked him. He has a committed a felony in the past years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly serious, since this shows this person is very dysfunctional and obsessed with you. Most times people presenting these behaviors use to present different mental health disorders, from anxiety to personality problems and addictions

Customer:

This is the protection order I wrote when I had planned to get one. But now I am afraid of causing more pain to him. I don't want to cause hurt or pain to anyone. Hopefully this will give you enough background. I stopped writing it as of yesterday morning but he has contacted my friend with more pleading for closure and wanting to know if I am seeing someone new.

Customer:

On April 8, 2013, I moved to Vegas to further my career in graphic design. Tom was the only person I knew prior to moving to Las Vegas. By the end of May we started dating. Tom was very secretive and did not take me very seriously for a few months. I was slowly learning Tom’s personality because he showed me very little. He was always easily angered. A lot of times, Tom took his anger out on me through his attitude and drinking after work.


To ensure that I could see Tom, I stayed up late to go out with him and his friends even on nights before I had to wake up at 7:30AM. I felt that was the only way I would be able to spend time with him because he never did anything alone with me at times when it was convenient for me. Sometimes, after drinking, we would get into arguments that turned into him locking me out of his house where I had been temporarily staying. There was a few times he has pushed me to the ground.


Tom would receive phone calls and texts from numerous girls and friends throughout the night. I confronted him about it telling him how it made me feel anxious. He made excuses for them and would lie about what they were messaging him for. One day, I noticed he had been talking to other girls on Facebook and his friends in a way that I considered to be cheating. One message in particular was a girl telling Tom she noticed that he had a new girl in his life. His response was, “Could’ve been you.”


Other messages to girls consisted of trying to meet them for lunch while I was at work. I was hurt and decided that it was time for me to move on.


Tom was upset with my decision and told me that he had just bought me a puppy. He apologized for his actions and said things would be different. He wanted me to have this dog and raise her with him. Tom and I got back together for a few weeks staying home most nights with the dog.


For a few weeks, Tom did begin to change his lifestyle to spend time with the dog and I. I thought this time things would be different. There is one night where Tom was intoxicated and became confrontational with me, and people around him. We ended up breaking up again that night because of way Tom was acting intoxicated. Tom had no recollection of what happened the next day.


A few weeks went by and Tom and I slowly began to mend our relationship. We were on and off because I began to lose trust in him and not want to have the type of relationship that kept unfolding. He would promise to give me a loving relationship which what I asked for so I stuck around.


The anonymous text messages and Facebook messages to random girls never stopped so I began to lose all my feelings for Tom. He never had much time for me and spent his days off without me in mind. It was clear that I was not a priority to him. He did not trust me because he could not be trusted. It was a very toxic relationship for me and was time for me to move on. This was scary to me because I kept in mind how he would act when he was angry. I knew it was what was best for me so I decided to block Tom on Facebook.


He would bribe me with having the money he charged on my credit card for me just so I would respond through texts. I had kept my word in wanting to have no further relationship with Tom. He consistently tried to beg for me to come back. It gave me great anxiety. He would get angry when I wouldn’t. It was a continuous cycle. I told him I was done with any further relationship on August 30th, 2013


After arguing about breaking up for several weeks without seeing each other, I decided it was time to stop responding because I no longer wanted any type of friendship or contact with Tom. He would say hurtful things through texts. I decided he was not going to pay me the money I was owed. My responses became vague and slow. September 12, Tom had asked me if I would like to go separate ways. I responded with a yes continuing my request for separation. Arguing continued.


On September 20, I requested that Tom and I go our separate ways via text. I received 4 more texts so I blocked his phone and texts. After this time, he did not respect my wishes to go our separate ways. Here is a list of times of which he has tried to contact me:


September 21, received a text message from an unknown number (XXX-XXX-XXXX) that Tom was in the hospital “…something happened at work”. 2:49 AM.


September 21, I received two emails on personal mail from Tom asking me to come back.


September 21, I received another text message from the unknown number that Tom is home from the hospital.


September 22, I received a text from Tom’s friend Chuck that Tom is very sad. 4:25PM. I did not respond. Later, I received 4 emails from Tom.


September 22, I received a message from Tom’s friend, Tommie on facebook that he had never seen Tom so emotional. I blocked Tommie because I felt the message was suspicious. Tommie’s location at the time said Las Vegas, NV when Tommie lives in Chicago, IL.


September 23, I received two more emails from Tom telling me he was going to come to my house without my permission.


 


At this point, I decided to respond because he had threatened to show up to my house. I told him it was best if we move on separately.


He replied right away begging to see me. I told him I was not trying to hurt him and to respect my decision. He replied with five more emails. I apologized in my final response.


He emailed me 4 more times, “please”. I asked him to stop, again and explain that this was not easy for me. He emailed me 3 more times.


September 23, I called in sick at work and noticed that he has left a message on my work phone.


September 24 I asked again not to be contacted. Tom seems to get angrier and frustrated in his emails. His final two emails before I learned to block them was, “Ewwwww. Ugly. U just made me wanna puke. That's it I'm done “and “I wish you never moved here.”


September 24, I was sleeping in bed from still being sick. I heard a knock on my door at midnight and Tom was standing on my porch. He asked to talk to me so I went outside with him. He asked me to take him back and I replied that I wanted to go separate ways because our relationship was toxic. He asked me a few more times. Finally, I asked if I could go back to sleep. Tom walked off.


September 26, I received a dozen roses and stuffed animal to my job from Tom with a note that said he wanted to be with me. I did not contact him. He called me work phone twice in the afternoon and left two voicemails.


After I got home from work, I received a call from Tom’s home phone. He left a message that he was coming over at 10:30PM. I made sure I was not home. He said he was upset that the florist told him I chose not to receive the flowers. This is not true. The florist was told to leave the flowers at the reception desk. Reception called me to retrieve them. Reception accepts gifts for employees but does not allow unpermitted guests into the office areas. I decided to block his home phone.


September 27, received a blocked call. Three more emails from a new email address from Tom.


I received 3 more calls on October 4 on my work phone. I feel very anxious and uncomfortable with Tom contacting me angry considering his past actions.


At one point Tommie, called my work phone to talk to me about Tom and try to get us back together. I tried to be as nice as possible but also being firm that I no longer wanted a relationship with Tom. I never made any promises to be friends with Tom, again.


October 3, Tommie texts me a picture of Tom with a woman putting her chest in his face after I told Tommie that Tom and I should move on and go our separate ways. I chose not to respond.


At this point, I have decided to not respond at all because of the outcome it has caused every time.


October 4, I received a voicemail from Tom on my work phone. I received 2 more calls at work from him before I left for the day.


October 4, I receive a missed call at 1 AM from Tom’s friend.


October 6, 12:23 AM, I received a text from Tom’s sister, Amy saying Tom is freaking out and that I need to call her because she is worried about him.


October 6, 11:58PM, I receive a text from Tom’s friend asking me to call him because he is not himself.


Most of the calls and texts I receive are in the middle of the night when I am trying to sleep.


October 7, Walk into work with 5 missed calls and voicemails from Tom on my work phone. He apologized for the “craziness” and asked me to come see him or respond.


October 8, received 3 calls at work and one voicemail from Tom’s friend Robert asking me to call him back to talk about Tom because he is worried about him.


October 8, I receive a text on a new number from Tom that he “found out” I was dating someone new. He accused me of talking to someone new while I was with him, which is not true.


I firmly believe that I have told Tom enough times that I no longer want a relationship and do not owe him anymore more responses or explanations.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do think you would need to get a restraining order and alert your friends. employer and family about it, in that way he would not be able to harass you that easily

Customer:

I also received a priority Fed Ex to my work with love letters from him. I am afraid of the consequences of him receiving the protection order.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have read your notes and this is very serious

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and I do not believe it would be wise to stay passive while eh continues harassing you this much. A restraining order seems necessary for you to protect yourself from this person, even more knowing he has severe mental health and personality problems besides of addictions, you never know how would happen next

Customer:

I agree with getting an order. However, I am concerned for his well being after receiving a protection order. Is this something I should worry about?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should worry if you continue to allow this harassment since it literally enables and empowers his abusive actions even more, once he knows you are vulnerable and alone. The restraining order would just limit his access to harass you. Only if he chooses to keep doing it he would have to face consequences, and I believe they would be necessary since he has very serious and dysfunctional disorders-life and unless he starts facing reality and affording consequences, he would not get better but worse, damaging other people's lives.

Customer:

Okay, thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please take good care and consistent action to protect yourself getting the support you need.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now and feel free too contact me to follow up since I am here willing to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not forget to rate session before you leave the chat , thanks.

Customer:

Okay. I will.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3038
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 months ago.

I have a follow up question

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
Sure. I listen.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.

Tom has contacted me through a friend. He asked that I meet him at a restaurant to talk so he can have closure. This friend of his said that Tom has been going to anger management concealing and has shown improvement and is in a good place to talk and accept the closure he needs to move on. Should I meet him to give him his closure?


 

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
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