Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
How could I support you?
Hi, what's your question?
Im in a relationship
And things seems like is going bad
I don't know what to do to help it
I am sorry to know that.
I have 2 kids, Move here and when we first dated things was going well
I live with him
after this big argument we had
For how long have you been together and which are the core issues in the relationship?
it took a big turn
a year and a half
known him for 4 years
It started when I was about to go out with a friend
But we were about to meet up with his cousin to eat dinner
I told him go ahead and go there
ill go meet up after
he said well since u going out
im just going to drop the kids home
and ill go to my cousin
but the kids wanted to go to the cousin house too
his thing was well one of my son is sick
but we were going to go there in the first place
I never went out knowing these are my kids
just a night I was a bout to
things just got bad
You mean since you had this argument long ago your relationship has become very dysfunctional-destructive?
it was weekend
but what trigger it was when I lost my job months ago
He called me unstable
ever since that happen to me he is not the same I feel
I manage to find a job less than a week
I see, then it happened during past weekend, but your serious issue started month ago since you got unemployed
And I don't know what to do to clean the air
then why he changed this much towards you sine then?
He feel I don't have stability
Because I jump from job to jo
If this issue has been going fo for months and not matter what you do he keeps being this way, I do not see you as the problem here
How many times how you changed jobs in a short period of time and without a good reason?
within 6 years I have had 5 jobs
the last year 3
I do want to work hard
but things happens I never sit around and expects
he don't buy me anything
you mean you live together but he does not pay the bills and supports with for other expenses?
I pay my part
take care of his disability dad
make sure he have meals
Then if you pay your part how could he justify mistreating you for changing jobs if you always get a new one and continue to take good care of your financial responsibilities?
Then you have a job plus a full time housewife job and also take care of his father?
He don't see it that way
I am sorry then it does not make any sense what he states and expects from you, it seems he has been using and abusing you
He give me so much grievs
I can see that, but reality is that what you are describing here shows a person who does not truly care about your health, happiness or well-being but who pushed you, uses and abuses you as much as he can for material and financial gain
I mean I don't want to make him look bad
he does his part too
he pays for food when we go places
he pays for trips
but ever since I lost that job
things just changed
I can see that
I've become so stress, and depress
I have anxiety
Because I love this guy so much
Then it is obvious you do not feel respected, understood, supported nor truly loved in this relationship since he changed this much
I am sorry to know that, then it seems obvious this love has become very unhealthy since it is leading you to be depressed, suffer of anxiety and feel this frustrated.
I do not see any wrong doing in your actions, but a very abusive behaviors when he pushes you when you do so much for him and for his father too
And I become more vulnerble
I just want to do what he says
I feel trap
Absolutely and instead of taking good care of you, being empathic, gentle and supportive, he has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you.
I want to help it to be better
I thin you have to choose between taking good care of yourself and your children or pleasing his unreasonable, excessive and abusive demands. They are not compatible.
He said all I need you to do is to keep a job
But you have kept jobs, leave what you di dnto like and got a new one, always complying with your responsibilities, paying your bills.
I do not think you change jobs because you enjoy doing it but because you do not feel fine with what you get. Obviously it is not very good to keep changing jobs very often and you need to work on that, but it should never justify any form of abuse by anybody, even less by your own partner
I feel that way too
But I feel so weak that Im afraid to get up and go
Because I'm moving my kids around
's about common sense, it does not take much insight to understand this situation but he seems unable and unwilling to even respect you.
Now he talking about me being insecure
he want to things for himself
and he's trap by my insecurities
But be very aware that any form or abuse you suffer also affects them,and this is not healthy for them at all.
what am I suppose to do now
I think you need to set your own and your children's mental health and well-being as your number one priorities here,then choose to keep only what is truly healthy and constructive in your life, around those people who really happen to respect and care about you, without any form of abuse or neglect.
Do u think we need counseling
you think it would help
think he is a bad person
I feel he have all this inside of him
and his transfer it to me
he was abused as a child
I truly believe you need counseling to rehabilitate from codependency, and he needs to work on ending any form of abusive behavior, to become more assertive and caring
he's not physically abussive
I understand and believe you, but it should be justify the abuse he perpetrates against you in the present
I see it
Verbal, emotional and mental abuse could be as destructive or worse than physical abuse, and believe me that children are the real helpless victimshere
yeah I do my best not to let them see it
Couples counseling is necessary but it would be useless unless he takes full responsibility for his own actions, ends the abuse and commit to work on his personal issues creating this marital problems.
I want to open his eyes
I know it would help
I does not matter how hard you try to hide it, they are and would continue to suffer he consequences, since they depend on you and on your well being, their personalities and adult lives are being shaped by it
You can work on it to promote it but he is the one one with the power and responsibility to do such work and if he refuses, nothing would change for better
but you still need to take good care of yourself and children
I always do
I keep all these stress and depress to myself
my kids are attached to him
Exposing yourself to any form of abuse or neglect is incompatible with taking good care of yourself
Then you are not taking good care of yourself at all, you are doing exactly the opposite, you are seriously neglecting yourself, self-sabotaging and enabling further abuse, and your children cannot escape from the impact it has on them
I know I need to be stronger
please seriously consider getting professional psychotherapy to work on yourself, and join a support group for codependency
I will look into it
I hope you could trust your support system, and get necessary help from those ho care about you as soon as possible
Thank you for being this open here, for your trust
Please take gentle care and consistent action.
Ok thank u
You're very welcome
Bye for now.