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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello

Resolved Question:

Hello
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How could I support you?

Customer:

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi, what's your question?

Customer:

Im in a relationship

Customer:

And things seems like is going bad

Customer:

I don't know what to do to help it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that.

Customer:

I have 2 kids, Move here and when we first dated things was going well

Customer:

I live with him

Customer:

after this big argument we had

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been together and which are the core issues in the relationship?

Customer:

it took a big turn

Customer:

a year and a half

Customer:

known him for 4 years

Customer:

It started when I was about to go out with a friend

Customer:

But we were about to meet up with his cousin to eat dinner

Customer:

I told him go ahead and go there

Customer:

ill go meet up after

Customer:

he said well since u going out

Customer:

im just going to drop the kids home

Customer:

and ill go to my cousin

Customer:

but the kids wanted to go to the cousin house too

Customer:

his thing was well one of my son is sick

Customer:

but we were going to go there in the first place

Customer:

I never went out knowing these are my kids

Customer:

just a night I was a bout to

Customer:

things just got bad

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean since you had this argument long ago your relationship has become very dysfunctional-destructive?

Customer:

it was weekend

Customer:

but what trigger it was when I lost my job months ago

Customer:

He called me unstable

Customer:

ever since that happen to me he is not the same I feel

Customer:

I manage to find a job less than a week

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it happened during past weekend, but your serious issue started month ago since you got unemployed

Customer:

pretty much

Customer:

And I don't know what to do to clean the air

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then why he changed this much towards you sine then?

Customer:

He feel I don't have stability

Customer:

Because I jump from job to jo

Customer:

job

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this issue has been going fo for months and not matter what you do he keeps being this way, I do not see you as the problem here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How many times how you changed jobs in a short period of time and without a good reason?

Customer:

within 6 years I have had 5 jobs

Customer:

the last year 3

Customer:

I do want to work hard

Customer:

but things happens I never sit around and expects

Customer:

he don't buy me anything

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

you mean you live together but he does not pay the bills and supports with for other expenses?

Customer:

I pay my part

Customer:

rent

Customer:

cook

Customer:

clean

Customer:

take care of his disability dad

Customer:

make sure he have meals

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you pay your part how could he justify mistreating you for changing jobs if you always get a new one and continue to take good care of your financial responsibilities?

Customer:

I do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have a job plus a full time housewife job and also take care of his father?

Customer:

He don't see it that way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry then it does not make any sense what he states and expects from you, it seems he has been using and abusing you

Customer:

He give me so much grievs

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see that, but reality is that what you are describing here shows a person who does not truly care about your health, happiness or well-being but who pushed you, uses and abuses you as much as he can for material and financial gain

Customer:

I mean I don't want to make him look bad

Customer:

he does his part too

Customer:

he pays for food when we go places

Customer:

he pays for trips

Customer:

but ever since I lost that job

Customer:

things just changed

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see that

Customer:

I've become so stress, and depress

Customer:

I have anxiety

Customer:

Because I love this guy so much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is obvious you do not feel respected, understood, supported nor truly loved in this relationship since he changed this much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that, then it seems obvious this love has become very unhealthy since it is leading you to be depressed, suffer of anxiety and feel this frustrated.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see any wrong doing in your actions, but a very abusive behaviors when he pushes you when you do so much for him and for his father too

Customer:

And I become more vulnerble

Customer:

I just want to do what he says

Customer:

I feel trap

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely and instead of taking good care of you, being empathic, gentle and supportive, he has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing you.

Customer:

I want to help it to be better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I thin you have to choose between taking good care of yourself and your children or pleasing his unreasonable, excessive and abusive demands. They are not compatible.

Customer:

He said all I need you to do is to keep a job

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you have kept jobs, leave what you di dnto like and got a new one, always complying with your responsibilities, paying your bills.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think you change jobs because you enjoy doing it but because you do not feel fine with what you get. Obviously it is not very good to keep changing jobs very often and you need to work on that, but it should never justify any form of abuse by anybody, even less by your own partner

Customer:

I feel that way too

Customer:

But I feel so weak that Im afraid to get up and go

Customer:

Because I'm moving my kids around

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

's about common sense, it does not take much insight to understand this situation but he seems unable and unwilling to even respect you.

Customer:

Now he talking about me being insecure

Customer:

he want to things for himself

Customer:

and he's trap by my insecurities

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But be very aware that any form or abuse you suffer also affects them,and this is not healthy for them at all.

Customer:

what am I suppose to do now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to set your own and your children's mental health and well-being as your number one priorities here,then choose to keep only what is truly healthy and constructive in your life, around those people who really happen to respect and care about you, without any form of abuse or neglect.

Customer:

Do u think we need counseling

Customer:

you think it would help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Customer:

I don't

Customer:

think he is a bad person

Customer:

I feel he have all this inside of him

Customer:

and his transfer it to me

Customer:

he was abused as a child

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly believe you need counseling to rehabilitate from codependency, and he needs to work on ending any form of abusive behavior, to become more assertive and caring

Customer:

domestic abuse

Customer:

he's not physically abussive

Customer:

he's verbally

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I understand and believe you, but it should be justify the abuse he perpetrates against you in the present

Customer:

I see it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Verbal, emotional and mental abuse could be as destructive or worse than physical abuse, and believe me that children are the real helpless victimshere

Customer:

yeah I do my best not to let them see it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples counseling is necessary but it would be useless unless he takes full responsibility for his own actions, ends the abuse and commit to work on his personal issues creating this marital problems.

Customer:

I want to open his eyes

Customer:

I know it would help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I does not matter how hard you try to hide it, they are and would continue to suffer he consequences, since they depend on you and on your well being, their personalities and adult lives are being shaped by it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can work on it to promote it but he is the one one with the power and responsibility to do such work and if he refuses, nothing would change for better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

but you still need to take good care of yourself and children

Customer:

I always do

Customer:

I keep all these stress and depress to myself

Customer:

my kids are attached to him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Exposing yourself to any form of abuse or neglect is incompatible with taking good care of yourself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you are not taking good care of yourself at all, you are doing exactly the opposite, you are seriously neglecting yourself, self-sabotaging and enabling further abuse, and your children cannot escape from the impact it has on them

Customer:

I know

Customer:

I know I need to be stronger

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

please seriously consider getting professional psychotherapy to work on yourself, and join a support group for codependency

Customer:

I will look into it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope you could trust your support system, and get necessary help from those ho care about you as soon as possible

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being this open here, for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Ok thank u

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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