How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3024
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi. So I have a best friend of mine whom which we got really

Resolved Question:

Hi. So I have a best friend of mine whom which we got really close and started hooking up for a while. I enjoyed it but i didn't take it seriously. I would leave town for studio work on a whim and not say anything til she was like I wanna see you, i miss you, and then id be like I'm out of town cuz i really was. Then i got sick and couldnt see her for two weeks. as a precursor, let me say that i usually live in LA and she lives in MD. My home base is VA which is why we became friends in the first place. I am a music producer. I am 35 and she is 21. Long story short, when i was sick she would be like i miss you i want to see you, and i would be like i miss ya too. Any how after i became well, i feel like she realized something and made a decision to try and distance herself from me. All i wanted was to have her back next to me. I know she was in survival mode and making decisions toward her own well being as in she was falling for me and felt like i wasn't so into it. Shes a marine and a tough girl and good at managing her feelings. I can tell she feels the same way about me as i do her. But I am moving either back to LA or to CHI in the next month. All I want to do is spend time with her, but, I understand why she would try to make distance all things considered. I have it really bad for this girl, and I want to know what to do. I started telling her i missed her and what not, and she told me (in her self controlled manner) that we talked about this and that the pressure made her uncomfortable. So i wrote her a letter and told her i would back off but it would break my heart. I expected her to distance herself further but she hasn't and when we see each other the chemistry is still 200% there. What do i do?
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating and sad situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to be %100 truthful with yourself about what your really want and are willing to afford in this relationship, then be totally honest towards her, and from there take consistent action, ot take good care of yourself and also to allow her to do the same.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
It is but I know she is into me as much as i am into her
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Can we talk about this more if i accept?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
Then you need to choose if what you truly want and can afford is to work on developing this relationship as something serious with a mature level of commitment or not, otherwise you would hurt each other, instead of playing a healthy and fulfilling role in your lives.

If your plans are incompatible with her reality and any of you can or is willing to radically change your life situation to make this relationship work or make necessary adjustments with real commitment, then I do not see how this could help any of you but cause more pain.

Does it make sense?

+ Please do not accept until we complete to talk about it. Thanks.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
I am waiting for your reply. I am here willing to support you as possible. Thanks.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
It does make sense. And I know one thing, I want her to be my friend for life. In all honesty, now that i think about it, I know me being a music producer is not nessecarily conducive to being in a relationship, and I know long distance things dont work, but in my heart all i want is to have her around me. Whenever I see her I just want to kiss her and vice versa. But at the same time our friendship is sooo important. I think maybe if we hook up one more time, I can agree that now is probably not the time for us to be in a relationship. So after i wrote her the letter saying i would love it if she were my girl, she didnt stop talking to me, and everything is cool. So randomly a week or so later she said it was akward and i said my bad and we laughed about it she said no worries. Then i had her over the other day, and we were flirting and when she left and got home she said "Andredi, I just want you to know i appreciate everything you do for me and how much you care about me. This isnt easy for me either, just being your friend and not acting on my feelings, but i know that neither of us is ready to take the plunge into a real relationship at this point in our lives. we have so much growing to do separatly before attempting that opportunity and i care too much about our friendship to risk it at this point in our lives. Its hard for me, but i dont want to take that risk until i know that im in a place in my life where i could see there being a forseeable future and not an immenent ending. I really do love you but im sure you aldready know that. You got me to cry when i got home. Thank you for that becuase its theraputic and i dont let it happen often."
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
Then both of you are clear about one thing you want to keep and nurture, which is your close friendship, while on the other hand nonce of you want to push a romantic relationship at all since your personal / life circumstances, present core needs, responsibilities and expectations do not match, and the last thing you want is to hurt each other.

Please be %100 honest and consistent here, in that way you would truly play a healing, positive and fulfilling role in each others' lives through a unique and special friendship. Whenever any of you identify you deviating from it, you'd need to address it as soon as possible m in order to take good care of yourselves and of your friendship. This would be the only way for it to work.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
My emotions make it so foggy to be able to be 100% honest. How can I get out of the fog and see clearly?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
Regular journaling, getting direct close friends/family feedback and ideally through individual counseling or at least life coaching. A class/program of mindfulness could help too. I use to suggest all of them. The more you work on yourself, the better role you would play in all your relationships.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3024
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I really appreciate your help.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Quick question, by journaling what do you mean?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 6 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency