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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I have been on and off with my boyfriend of 2.5 years.

Resolved Question:

Hi

I have been on and off with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. We met at work ( not ideal situation) and we work in a very small office. We have been very good at being professional at work but over time it has been a challenge trying to keep the two worlds separate.

The other part to note is that I broke up with my last relationship of 4 years of living with guy A...( who was very creative and helped me to talk about my feelings and to acknowledge them since I never confronted my true feelings growing up in a home where my parents never asked how I felt . So that relationship was the hardest thing to break up because he helped me grow emotionally . The problem was he became so depressed that I became depressed and unhealthy being around that. )

Fast forwarding to Guy B ( current day). He is much more responsible, reliable and also kind, but ever since his grandma passed he has never been the same and I was there for him the whole time.

The other issue that bothers me is that he is the only one in his family that takes on taking care of his mom ( but she doesn't work and is horrible with finances and he is always the one that she relies on). He said one time that she wAs going to send him a Father's Day card ( I guess because he helps her a lot like a father would) And i thought That is WEird. Note: his parents divorced when he was 8 and his mom never remarried and his dad and him have a non-close relationship but his health is deteriorating with cancer and his heart transplant.

Lots of issues would come up and I thought I need to be there for him for his grandma... She passed awat and then after he fell more depressed and I just felt unloved and hung in there but then later on I kept over analyzing us and one day I couldn't take the mind game in my head anymore( I was saying to myself, he's a great guy and don't be stupid and mess this up ) so I broke up with him at work on a Thursday and he treated it like nothing( masking his feelings and said when do u want to pick up your stuff?). On that Saturday I drove 2 hours one way to visit him ( he went home to visit his mom since we broke up). And I basically said I'm not ready to give up on us and can we try to be together? So we did.

My friends thought I was crazy to go and I just couldn't let him go.

It's been about 3 months and still we are so-so. His dads health recently started getting bad and he has been focusing on distracting himself with work and a side project. I have felt like he's been gone and then i had a breakdown recently saying to him "what are we doing? Are we together? He said yes, but that he's dealing with a lot with his dad and that he needs to lean on me."

So I said ok.,and we might go visit his dad for thanksgiving but we have had no sex in over 3 months and the sex was ok the last I remember. It was nowhere near as passionate As with my ex... I'm not back into wondering if I should be alone or keep being strong and be there for him.

He is also catholic and hard working where my ex was used to his parents handouts and unreliable. I feel like Current Guy has a lot of great qualities and I do love him but something keeps holding me back ( and we still work in a smll office together).

Why am I going back and forth so much????
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very concerning, since the core issues you describe seem to have become chronic and not isolated episodes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From his relationship with his mother and the pain and impact his father's serious health situation presents, to the way his mood apperas to be and the way he chooses to share and cope with your relationship problems

Customer: I am constantly telling myself to stay strong for him
Customer: I'm 32 and I know he's a good catch in many ways and think that this will pass
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There are things he cannot control, like life or death of a loved one, how they health evolve, but he can and should control the way he copes, shares and develops relationship with each one of these persons in his life in order to make them as healthy as possible

Customer: I agree but I think I feel like I've been the stronger one in this relationship but also don't want to be selfisg
Customer: we also work together which is hard; when I'm with him I feel ok but when I'm alone my mind won't stop analyzing the relationshp
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His father's health would continue to deteriorate and he would grief him too, the problem is how effectively would he be able to do that taking into account his present problems with his other loss, and what about his relationship with his mother it could continue the same for long, for years, and you would have to adjust to that too

Customer: I just feel bad because I already broke up with him once and I said I want to try but I'm here feeling confused
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Taking good care of yourself when in a relationship should never be understood as being selfish or mean, but being assertive and consistent doing what everybody is supposed and needs to do before anything, since without taking good care of ourselves, we would end exposing and enabling other people to use, abuse and neglect us in different, subtle or obvious ways

Customer: I thought maybe I should be his rock going to visit his dad but now I don't know.... I feel like it shouldn't be this confusing for me, and start to doubt my decisions I make to stay or go...
Customer: if I break it off I know that would be it.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One thing is for a person to feel depressed and stressed out because of life issues, but that should never be used to justify not being truly present in the relationship, being accountable for the role we play in it and doing our best, XXXXX XXXXX respect to affection and caring. Apparently he mostly expects you to unconditionally support him without him doing the same, not playing a healthy role for building something more fulfilling and strong between you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems he needs a friend for support rather than a girlfriend

Customer: Yes and he's been seeing his guy who lives near his mom, so I'm happy he goes but then I wonder where does that leave me,?
Customer: (his guy friend)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When people get depressed they could literally neglect themselves and other people, but it should not justify pereptuating what is unhealthy no rushing something that is not working for the other person

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are being seriously neglected here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously this is not healthy nor fulfilling for you at all

Customer: So I get distant and then he claims he misses me so we do this constant "dance" pulling and tugging...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and you need to face reality and assess what you truly want to afford here, if this person is truly meeting your core needs and expectations now and working on promoting that for the future on this relationship. It does not seem like he is doing that at all at different core areas

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very unhealthy, and i belvieve he is the one being selfish here

Customer: yes but I think I convince him that I can be strong for him but then inside I feel empty,
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what he needs is a close supportive friendship, the you c= or any other person could play that role, but it is not healthy to use the relationship to play that role while neglecting everything else

Customer: thanks for th support it's hard to trust my feelings in this.
Customer: what is you c=?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Not being truthful with yourself nor totally honest towards him could never work, cannot help you taking good care of yourself nor to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship at all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry, I meant: you cannot...or any other person....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

"cannot"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Customer: i guess I fell into this over analytical pattern w my last relationship and i might be doing the same thing and holding on because I'm a person that never quits
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please seriously reflect on this and work on taking good care of yourself before anything, being %100 truthful and supportive with yourself, then fully honest towards him and consistent taking actions, otherwise you would self-sabotage and promote a very codependent and non fulfilling relatiosnhip

Customer: ok. how do iI handle seeing him at work? Right now he thinks we are trying
Customer: ugh. Makes me exhausted...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but whenever it is about unhealthy patterns or destructive situations-behaviors, if you do not stop yourself and change, you would not be taking good care of yourself nor helping anybody involved, then please be insightful and consistent about what you create and promote

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Assumptions do never work, you need to be clear, direct, open and honest, define what you need and want to do and afford here, then take consistent actions without exceptions, otherwise it would never work for you.

Customer: i was good when I broke up but then fell back to old pattern of hanging on to him . And ran to him... Scary place to be alone
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want and feel you can stay and feel fine with it, then stay, but if you understand that this is unhealthy, non fulfilling and does not work for you, then address it as such and take consistent action to take good care of yourself and for him to do the same

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then work on yourself, if necessary get individual counseling or psychotherapy to do it to make it work, otherwise you would reinforce dysfunctional patterns and add new ones

Customer: ok. Unhealthy is how I feel about it. I just need to stick with it and not retract....trusting myself.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please commit to work on yourself and take consistent action, getting all the support you can to make things work for you

Customer: i had counseling then stopped because I thought I was Not handling anything myself but maybe I should revisit
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Support yourself instead of self-sabotaging

Customer: hmmm what am I sabotaging, my happiness?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Look for effective, ethical and good therapy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, your health and core needs too

Customer: core needs like love and affection? ( is that a core need?)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Mental, emotional, sexual, and more... absolutely, these are core needs-areas

Customer: Ok. Maybe I need to fulfill those independently because no partner can fulfill all that for me. Maybe I've been settling I think but so hard to admit to someone who is having a hard time
Customer: anytime any last words that can help me stay strong for myself and not retract to his needs?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet. Most times most people use relationships to feel happy, stable and fulfilled, but that never leads to healthy relationships. Unhappily most people do this in subtle or obvious ways. We all need to work on ourselves to build this reality within ourselves, then a relationship would-should help this process but should not replace it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, and allow other people to do the same, do nto try to take responsibility for what he needs and should do himself, otherwise you would not be helping but reinforcing what is unhealthy in his life

Customer: Ok. I hope i can trust myself because i know I will feel bad hurting him because he's having a hard time...but ok. I know I have to.
Customer: I can feel like a little girl in theses situations but I'm not. Thank you thank you !!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. Please look for good counseling or psychotherapeutic support, since that would be the best way to help yourself, and play a healthier role in people's lives too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care and consistent action

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Feel free to contact m for further support

Customer: i am glad I reached out...:)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

contact "me".

Customer: will do!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you :o)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Do not forget to rate session before leaving the chat. Thanks).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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