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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hi, I am 25 year old female, from a conservative Muslim family.

Resolved Question:

Hi,
I am 25 year old female, from a conservative Muslim family. I have a boyfriend, whom my parents dislike, but they have never meet him. They don't like the idea of him, his clothes are not good, he has big cheeks, he doesn't have a good 4 year degree. My bf works part time and goes to school. He is going to finish his degree next year. My parents tell me I'm making a huge mistake, that he will leave me, abuse me, but he never has, and we've been together for 2 years. I feel so lost, confused, and dirty. When I'm with him, I feel happy, and in love. My parents have said they will kick me out, disown me. My father does not speak with me. What do i do, I'm so lost and confused?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

It sounds like this is such an emotionally difficult situation: on the one hand you want and need to honor your parents. On the other hand, you have such a different experience of your boyfriend than they do.

Dr. Mark :

He will finish his degree next year. When next year will he finish?

Dr. Mark :

And do your parents know that he will have his degree? Does this not elevate him in their eyes?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, do you need more time to reply?

Customer:

Yes he will finish in May, next year. I will also be finishing my post bac degree also in June. I have explained to them that he is getting his degree in Computer Engineering, but they think that its a tech position, with him only getting paid $10.00 or something

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I can see how this would be a misunderstanding they would have. You and he expect him to be a professional and not in a tech position, correct?

Customer:

correct,

Dr. Mark :

I would like you to consider this, please:

Dr. Mark :

talk with your boyfriend and see if he can help you arrange a tour of a university or college, perhaps the one he is attending, that offers this degree. Then,

Dr. Mark :

see if an appointment can be made with a professor and/or someone in the career planning office at the school to meet with you and your parents to share with them what the profession of computer engineering is about and what the career placement is for graduates in this field. Do you think this might be possible?

Dr. Mark :

And would it influence your parents?

Dr. Mark :

Because in the US, this is a very respected field to go into, as you know.

Customer:

That sounds like a good idea. My parents, especially my mom, are old school, you know? They want me to be with someone who is a docotor or a lawyer, but at the same time, not to be able to date and to get to know someone. There is this dichotomy, where they want me to be this out going person, but I can't leave the house, and have a curfew of 10:30, with my mom calling to see where i am

Customer:

I have told them that my boyfriend and I have talked, and we are not rushing into marriage, but we are waiting for both of us to finish school, find a job, then get married, but they ignore this.

Customer:

How am I supposed to build a relationship with this man, if I am not allowed to see him or to talk to him. I feel like a crazy person, always checking the cars behind me, to make sure their not following me

Dr. Mark :

I understand. This is very difficult for you. I can only imagine.

Customer:

Its getting to be so stressful, i don't know what to do? This is the first time that I am 'rebelling"

Customer:

I have always been a good daughter, sister, and respectful, but its time for me to start living my life, because I would, in the past, have to give up an idea or passion, because it didn't suit my parents

Dr. Mark :

Hold on. I'm not sure that you are rebelling. You are certainly not

Dr. Mark :

following the letter of your parents' words, that's true.

Dr. Mark :

However, you are not attempting to marry against their wishes. That would be rebelling.

Dr. Mark :

Your belief is that your boyfriend is suitable and that your parents will agree he is suitable as soon as he graduates, agreed? That's why I'm not seeing this as you rebelling.

Dr. Mark :

Rather as you attempting to hold on to the future with him until he graduates, which will be in about 8-10 months.

Dr. Mark :

So, the first thing:

Dr. Mark :

Please do not let yourself become emotionally overwhelmed. You do have to tell your boyfriend that you two need to work on the strategy of getting your parents to see how he is planning for a good career, a respected career in the US. This is the most important thing the two of you need to do now.

Dr. Mark :

Because you want your parents' approval next year. So,

Dr. Mark :

if the two of you work on preparing for your parents' visit to the school to meet with officials and to see how the profession is treated there this would be such a big help, don't you think?

Dr. Mark :

And if you can talk with a career professional at a firm in an impressive office and ask them if they would kindly give a little of their time to meeting with you and your parents to assure them

Dr. Mark :

that this field of computer engineering is one of the important fields in the US, this would help as well.

Customer:

Yes, i think those a great ideas, but they are stubborn. Do you think if we, bf and I could arrange for his parents and my parents to get together and talk, will help matters? I feel that if they see that he comes from a good family, and is a good man, they will feel comfortable of the idea?

Dr. Mark :

That is a good plan for after they are assured that computer engineering is a good field. Remember: they love you and are concerned that you have a good provider. They are old school and so they tend to judge things in set ways.

Dr. Mark :

So first reassure them that his field is a good field where he can advance in his career, which he can.

Dr. Mark :

Then your idea is an excellent one. Because when they are reassured that he has prospects as a son in law, they will be more receptive to visiting with his parents, don't you think?

Customer:

I do. I have been scared of my parents, even at my age, to open up and talk to them about this. I have to admit, that i shouldn't have lied to them, but i felt like i had no choice. They have been stubborn, and not wanting to change, and I wanted to build this relationship. It seems like a massive, over whelming heap.

Customer:

What if they they say no?

Dr. Mark :

I don't want you to be pessimistic. You will be doing groundwork: you'll be making an appointment with the officials at the school. You will be telling them about that. You might also download form the computer some of the salary ranges for computer engineers (choose good numbers). So, you're not just presenting an idea, you're presenting something that you've worked on and that has had planning. That's a reason to be optimistic.

Dr. Mark :

And your bf will hopefully have found a career professional in an impressive office who can talk with them about this profession and impress them as well.

Dr. Mark :

So you have a plan, that's the help here, agreed?

Customer:

I do, but how do i deal with the tension with my parents? Is time going to make it better? Its so tense in our home.

Dr. Mark :

yes, this is very important:

Dr. Mark :

You need to be friendly and positive at home. You need to not argue. Remember: you are striving to make your way in a new world and they are not comfortable in that new world. So, you are working on a plan with your bf to make them more comfortable. So,

Dr. Mark :

Be positive and not argue about him. Don't speak about what you know will hurt them. If you're going against what they say, don't speak to them about it. Work on your plan and be of good spirits.

Dr. Mark :

Has this been helpful?

Customer:

Yes, it has, thank you. I just wish i knew there were these options. I don't know what i was thinking?

Dr. Mark :

You are doing well. You are a good and loving woman and daughter. You are trying to live in the world that you have to and yet still be loyal to your parents who are not prepared fully for that world. You are a good person.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

okay, thanks for your help. I appreciate it

Dr. Mark :

You are so welcome.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark :

Hi. The system says that the chat is still open. If you could give a positive rating before you leave the chat, I would be grateful. All the very best to you, Dr. Mark

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5111
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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