Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Thank you for responding :)
This is very sad, frustrating and I'd say traumatic for most people in your shoes.
How could this person get transformed this much after 5.5 years in the relationship, it does not make any sense.
Didn't you notice any read flags all this time?
What has his mother and family - close friends have told you about it?
I do not know anything about your story behind this traumatic situation but can say that his behaviors show a very insensitive, neglectful and abusive person, who i snot only dishonest but who does not care about how his actions hurt you after having spent all these years together.
You are absolutely right, and nothing could justify such radical change and behaviors.
None at all, he seemed slightly off when we spoke over the phone but he said it was just work as he is in the army, and the few people have spoken to about it know as much as I do. He won't talk to anyone about this and if he has I'm not sure who
For a person to present such behaviors there would be personality disorders involved. Many times addiction related issues, and other severe circumstances.
Most times people do present serious problems from long ago but happen to hide or manipulate behaviors in order to get and keep things the way they want. Obviously this is not normal at all, and it's very abusive, what explains why you feel this clueless and heartbroken.
I know he had seen a counselor moments before he called me
Sooner or later, because of his own behaviors and how he shapes his life, you would end finding out, but for now you cannot afford setting your life in standby mode, suffering even more waiting for him to tell you, since he could just continue to be dishonest, not open at all, manipulative and abusive, and exposing to that would not only not help you but hurt you even more.
I see, then that shows there have been serious issues around this whole situation
He has been a few times due to his tour in Afghanistan and the memories but it had never affected us before
He has also been offered a job for a year to two years in Saudi Aruba but I'm not sure if this is why he's done this
It is very common to find serious mental health disorders and personal issue in people under similar these circumstances, related to trauma, abuse, stress, drug abuse and other serious problems
It is very frustrating that he has chosen not to be honest, since the fact that he decided to end communication leaves you and everybody involved in this limbo state, shocked, not knowing what's going on, even unable to go throguh the grieve process
I feel like im not grieving properly though as I am used to him being away and having limited contact with him, and because I have been left in limbo
Unhappily there is nothing you nor anybody else could do about his behaviors. If he chooses not to be honest nor even respectful towards you and your feelings, anything you do trying to change it could expose you to further abuse and pain
Now it's the time for you to get all the help you can from your support system, your family and close friends, those who really care about you and happen to be willing to support you
I've been trying to keep busy but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to move on so to speak
This is a tough situation, and would take time, hard work and a lot of support for you to go through this process and heal. This is not easy at all, but with the right support you would be able to heal and grow from it
Please do not deny, rrpresess nor avoid your pain, but get around those who could truly help you release it, and take better care while taking one day at a time
I think individual counseling or psychotherapy would be the best sources of professional support for you to cope with this painful situation and move on without getting more wounded by it.
What time frame would you recommend, and how would be the best way of organizing a sessions like them
I think intensive psychotherapy would be the best way to support yourself until you feel less overwhelmed, at least twice a week for a month. Then you could change to one session per week if you feel you can keep your rehabilitation process without more intensive support. Flexibility is always necessary and wise, in order to adjust the support you get to your concrete needs, since one week or day could be very different from the others
That sounds like that would help to get my head straight and I would like to try it, would would a session like that involve?
In my opinion effective, really therapeutic "psychotherapy" require your total honesty, openness, and willingness to work on yourself, to change and make improvements in the ways you think, feel, cope and address life and its issues, being flexible and taking consistent actions between sessions implementing what you learn and start working with a professional's support.
It requires you trusting and allowing yourself to be "wisely" vulnerable, in order to explore your experiences, vent and process feelings, and truly move on from life circumstances. It's a tough process, but necessary and absolutely worthy.
In the process you would find out how good, ethical, competent and supportive the professional happens to be, and if she/he can make necessary adjustments to support you the way you need. That's why open communication is so important.
How long would a session usually last for and would they offere evening sessions do you know?
A counseling or psychotherapy session could last an average of 50 minutes, but it could be longer or shorter depending on the client's needs and availability. If you look for a private practitioner or go through NHS system, your options and times for getting support would be very different.
Private practitioners could have time available at different hours and would adjust to your schedule as possible, while going through the public system limits your chances to what is available.
You could also consider online counseling in case you have a hard time finding the right professional to support you the way you need under current circumstances and limitations.
In case you consider online counseling and feel comfortable trying it with my support, just let me know, since I am willing to assist you as much as possible.
Would Online work as well as in person? Or would it be better to look at doing both?
My suggestion is for you to explore and try both to find out what works the best for you, each person is unique, as well as every reality different too. You would know from your experience what works the best for you, just be as objective as possible, and depending on the concrete benefits you get, you would know what helps you the most.
Each could have its pros and cons, but that would change depending on personality, expectations, needs and other factors, including expertise, availability, schedules, level of comfort being observed by other people while waiting for a session or not, and more.
When looking for sessions what type of things should I be looking for and/or avoiding?
The professional's credentials, experience, therapeutic approach, availability, empathy and understanding shown during your initial interview-contact, how well she/he answers your questions and shows willingness to truly help you in your healing -growth process, an dhow comfortable you feel, how well your personalities work together.
I think I'm definitely going to give this a try, thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it, you've made me feel better already :-)
You're very welcome., Than you for your openness and trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action, for you to build and experience the harmony and fulfillment that you need and deserve in your life at every core level.
I Will, and thank you again for all of your help
Good! You're welcome. Bye for now.