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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 7 years. We are both 24. Recently he had to move 45 min away. For the first time he also used my phone to check his email last week and never signed out. I found out that he signed up for a live cam porn site. It took me to his profile where he had pictures of his junk and chatting inappropriate messages/ camming with other girls. I was so mad I confronted him about this. He admitted he had a problem and it started ever since he moved. I told him I don't want him to ever contact me again. He has been non stop calling me, texting, writing emails. He even showed up at my work, sobbing, LITERALLY begging on his knees and not letting my leg go. I told him I can't trust him anymore. He said he would do anything to prove that I can, that he would even go to confession(he isn't even religious), or get help. That I can have access to anything I want. What do I do? I still love him, but I'm so hurt I don't know if I can trust him. Should I let him go after 7 years?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. I will make sure it's blocked.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Were you able to confirm that his account at this pornographic site was recently created as he said, and that he was truly telling you the truth abut it? He admitted having a problem, then how could it be that he was totally fine for all these years and only recently, suddenly he started having these sexual sharing with these women online?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How do you know he does not have a sex addiction, and that since you did not have the chance before to actually see his activity online, that's why you were not aware of it?

Customer : Yes it was made not too long ago. He says since he moved he had a lot of downtime. But I have no idea if he is telling the truth, maybe he had other accounts for other sites that I don't know about.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since this is about live sex cams and recordings about him, and sharing online with these women, it does not seem to be an isolated thing but more serious than that. No way to truly know since he was not being honest towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your reaction was totally normal, since after this long term relationship to find out something like this is shocking for most people in your shoes.

Customer : It is shocking. He keeps saying it was wrong, and he never meant to hurt me, he won't do it again, he's an idiot, he failed me, etc.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people feel they can and want to work on it to see what happens, out of attachment, affection passion, dreams and more; while others feel they cannot trust that easily and need a time to reflect on things and reassess what they want and are willing to afford. Other people push themselves to make it work, and when they are willing and honest they end finding themselves unable to trust back their partners.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you see, people are very different and what could work for one would not work for others in the same situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One thing I could say with certainty, is that it would be naive and self-sabotaging to easily trust him without him showing you first, through consistent actions in time, that he deserves your trust back.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Otherwise he could be fooling you if he does not happen to be really honest but mostly manipulative, trying to do anything to keep you, regardless of what is obviously incompatible with your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have not described a person using some porn only, but actually sharing online through video with women, and not having any problem doing that even when in a long term committed relationship with you, and that is never an accident.

Customer : He asked what can he do to prove that I can trust him again. I don't want to tell him anything. How do I let him know he needs to figure it out himself, and if his actions do surprise me, maybe il give him another chance. Until then I don't really think I can trust him
Customer : Yes ur right :(
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad and frustrating, it's tough because if it about honesty, openness, and you do never know unless the person how literally earned it through long term experiences facing challenges and problems, and in this case there was apparently no serious issue between you but still he has engaging in these behaviors, and you do not know what's the real proportion of this problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does he suffer of anxiety, depression, uses drugs, has serious personal or family issues?

Customer : He does. He used that as a reason for his behavior. He has anxiety and depression and will occasionally smoke weed to help himself. Which I don't like but he says it helps.
Customer : Maybe there's just too many problems here and not worth my time to help if this is the payback I get? Horrible to say
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it makes sense, I'd say there is a high probability that he may have other addictions like sex&love addiction, which would perfectly match the story you depicted here. The problem is that one serious issue lead to other problems, and he has already two serious chronic mental health disorders, probably has codependency issues, if he has been using cannabis for long, he could have addiction to it too, which use or abuse creates and deepens mood disorders, fuels other addictions too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but whenever serious disorders like these re present, core common issues are denial, avoidance, dishonesty, secrecy, manipulation, lack of accountability, sabotage and many more. These can never just go away by themselves, they are part of serious disorders and the person could rehabilitate -not heal- from them, only if commits to regular psychological treatment, otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect he would be fine, and able to play a healthy role in relationships, once even honesty is deeply undermined here.

Customer : What should I tell him that he needs to do? Not for our relationship but for himself.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only if you feel able and willing to afford all the challenges and pain this uncertain reality presents, you could continue, otherwise I would not recommend it since there is so much here, several serious issues-disorders, unresolved and non addressed, which would get worse with time not better, leading to more dysfunction and pain.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get into intensive individual and group psychotherapy, much better through a program fro "dual diagnosis" treatment, since he presents serious disorders including depression and anxiety besides of addictive conditions.

Customer : Ugh this sucks. Thanks for your advice. I would like to talk more but I have work. Thank you again.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not about a couple of counseling session to be fixed. It is about starting this rehabilitation process, that could only work if he commits to it, taking full responsibility for his choices and actions, and keep into it from now on, otherwise it would not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach