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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi there! Just really really want to know the truth after all

Resolved Question:

Hi there! Just really really want to know the truth after all these years being married. It is like a cancer wanting to know exactly who and what I'm dealing with. My husband 'loans' astronomical amounts of money to his divorced sister and payed for her and siblings upkeep meaning accommodation,(5yrs) university and living costs. He did the same for his married younger brother for years. We NEVER received any money back so far. We are not wealthy and just middle class. I accidentlly discovered these bank statements a while ago and was a great shock because it as never discussed with me. He is not very generous with me and has never given me those amounts of money at a time. All his finances are kept away from me over the years. I have no income,don't work and have no assets. I recently started my own career and also need financial help now which he refuses and claims he can't afford it. No money for me yet the kids get what they want. He is a very good father and spoils them rotten! He speaks gentle to everyone accept to me. He always shouts and is constantly on the defense with trivial little questions I ask, he humiliates me in company. I am 58 and he is 64yrs. He has never been married before I had kids at a late stage. He has always been distant but lately he is emotionally SO withdraw cold and cruel. He takes me nowhere and I don't know his friends neither the people he works with.(only been twice to his office in all these years. He doesn't wear a wedding ring, never has. He makes all the decisions about everything. I'm not sure whether he ever had or is having an affair. TOO clever and never leaves any traces. Sexually he is emotionally absent and selfish and not loving at all. Yes I know he is narcissistic and talk does NOT help. He is always distracted when I talk to him and hardly listens,walks a distant and says he can still hear me although he does not face me. He is always home no other activities, and never goes out in the evenings alone. So where's the time for infidility? At Xmas and holidays he is very quiet and there is no interaction with me. All he does is watch sport. He only has a drink occasionally when he goes to his local pub for a few hours. He is very jealous of me and always check up on me. I have NEVER given him any doubt and has never been unfaithful, that he knows. He never tells me about his daily events and conversations are very limited. I told him I am lonely and he is just getting more emotionally distant over the years. He tells me that he loves me, yet he has NEVER defended me neither side with me. Even the kids talk disrespectfully XXXXX XXXXX and never does any tasks I ask. I suffer from depression but try and fight against it. I told him to please go see a counselor with me but laughs it off, no matter how I approach him saying its SO important cause he knows there is fault in our marriage. He never buys me any little present, flowers, or anything. Our daughters has even spoken to him, saying he is nasty towards me. When I ask him why he has never told me of about some incident he would say he forgot or it wasn't important. The news and detail I hear is when he chats to his family. He always shows his pleasant side and nobody knows how he really is NEITHER do I know what kind of person I dealing with as he is so DARK. He has physical abused me but have stopped. Just to mention, we have ugly old furniture and yet his sister and brother don't. He says he will never divorce me a loves me so much yet he's so nasty. I can't put this together as I might be in denial. When I'm sad or hurt he makes false promises to make me feel better. Do you think he is having an affair? Should that be the case I would only then divorce him. I really try make myself happy, not nagg, keep busy and is mostly peaceful cause I hate fighting cause then he turns vicious and I can't stand it. Do you think that he is just a player with women cause he is a professional man ad is on a power trip? Thanks for taking time reading this as I can't see it for what this relationship really is all about. Your honest answer is all I really need.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and very serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything you describe here is just very sad and frustrating, painful and concerning, and it shows a very dysfunctional person in a very dysfunctional marriage, where chronic neglect and abuse have been the norm for so many years, to the point you suffer of depression and feel hopeless about so many things.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It{s very sad to know you have been undergoing all this pain for all this long, since there is nothing that could justify any form of abuse or neglect, and it seems you have suffered them all, from physical, to emotional, mental, verbal, sexual and financial. I do not see how a marriage this dysfunctional could create or promote anything healthy in your life. You said he is a wonderful father because he immensely spoil your children, and I have to say that to offer such parenting could be as bad or worse than directly abusing them, because of the serious distortions it creates in their personalities, thus in their lives. You just confirmed how your children do not even respect you. This is very serious indeed, since literally shapes their personalities with same distortions he presents, and their adult lives-relationships would show it sooner or later in different ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You suffer of a very serious addiction, you described it very well, it is about denial, avoidance, repression, taking abuse and neglect for this long. Codependency literally empowers, enables further and more serious abuse and neglect, and this si the clear pattern your husband has been showing for all these years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His life of secrecy, denial, avoidance, justification, manipulation, abuse, neglect, selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion and more for sure lead to ct out in similar ways sexually too. You do not even know his friends and more about his "personal" life, then it would not be realistic to think he is just healthy and good at the sexual level, while this destructive and abusive at all the other core areas. Personality disorders are serious chronic mental health disorders and anything could develop from them, no doubt about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to start respecting, loving, protecting and supporting yourself, no form of abuse of neglect is acceptable, and it could only undermine your health and well-being even more. Please look for professional individual psychotherapy support. Obviously he would continue to refuse it because of his serious issues, but you still need to start taking good care of yourself and life. Also look for a support group for codependency and commit to it, and this would provide you with the best tools and support to work of your rehabilitation process, for you to start building and promoting a healthy, harmonious and fulfilling life, as much as you long for and deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
10/7/13 8:45 PM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
10/7/13 8:47 PM
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and very serious situation.
10/7/13 8:54 PM
Everything you describe here is just very sad and frustrating, painful and concerning, and it shows a very dysfunctional person in a very dysfunctional marriage, where chronic neglect and abuse have been the norm for so many years, to the point you suffer of depression and feel hopeless about so many things.
10/7/13 9:01 PM
It{s very sad to know you have been undergoing all this pain for all this long, since there is nothing that could justify any form of abuse or neglect, and it seems you have suffered them all, from physical, to emotional, mental, verbal, sexual and financial. I do not see how a marriage this dysfunctional could create or promote anything healthy in your life. You said he is a wonderful father because he immensely spoil your children, and I have to say that to offer such parenting could be as bad or worse than directly abusing them, because of the serious distortions it creates in their personalities, thus in their lives. You just confirmed how your children do not even respect you. This is very serious indeed, since literally shapes their personalities with same distortions he presents, and their adult lives-relationships would show it sooner or later in different ways.
10/7/13 9:02 PM
You suffer of a very serious addiction, you described it very well, it is about denial, avoidance, repression, taking abuse and neglect for this long. Codependency literally empowers, enables further and more serious abuse and neglect, and this is the clear pattern your husband has been showing for all these years.
10/7/13 9:06 PM
His life of secrecy, denial, avoidance, justification, manipulation, abuse, neglect, selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion and more for sure lead to ct out in similar ways sexually too. You do not even know his friends and more about his "personal" life, then it would not be realistic to think he is just healthy and good at the sexual level, while this destructive and abusive at all the other core areas. Personality disorders are serious chronic mental health disorders and anything could develop from them, no doubt about it.
10/7/13 9:10 PM
You need to start respecting, loving, protecting and supporting yourself, no form of abuse of neglect is acceptable, and it could only undermine your health and well-being even more. Please look for professional individual psychotherapy support. Obviously he would continue to refuse it because of his serious issues, but you still need to start taking good care of yourself and life. Also look for a support group for codependency and commit to it, and this would provide you with the best tools and support to work of your rehabilitation process, for you to start building and promoting a healthy, harmonious and fulfilling life, as much as you long for and deserve.
10/7/13 9:10 PM
Does it make sense?
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Hi Rafael! Thank you so much for your expert advise and support. It's of such great comfort knowing such a (sweet kind and very spiritual humanitarian - judging from your profile pic speaks chapters of kindness and knowledge!) Are you sure there are no further costs involved in this correspondence? Please let me know before we persue any further costs as I would not be able to commit to it. If so,please ignore this reply. As far as I could gather you said it was ok and no further costs involved, but then again I can never clarify when it comes to the fine print and confuses the hell outa me!!(Old school LOL!)I started drafting your letter a few min ago and 'blush' something went haywire and off it went,either disappearing into thin air OR hopefully NOT sent off!! Plz excuse.I may sound uneducated but IPads and IPhones is extremely fustrating for me with ongoing and unwanting voicemails while busy dialing and then wors of all unintentional random calls which has brought me many a big,red face,social fouxpa! Very embarrassing! Costing me a meek and mild excuse of a hindering breeze and the battle of latest technology and not having my specs on! It just seems to set off like it has a mind of its own!! My kids think I'm a total moron(I shamefully admit) when it comes to technology! So please,Rafael, hopefully you will bear with me as I have just mastered the blackberry and now have to keep pace and move on with the IPhone and IPads with committed endurance. In a couple of years I will be staring sixty years of age in the face AND deal with THAT challenge as well. Time goes so fast specially when one's having so much fun!! As you must be gathering by now I haven't mentioned/consulted any of my STILL unresolved painful ( how-to-deal-with deep rooted REALLY painful problem cause I'm not sure of the outcome of rules,fees,and contex of this letter. Instead, I thought should you then be my future,and so very far away confodante, as well as friend,that you really do exceed yourself as a young up-to date vibey and very skilled therapist! (Im impressed)The purpose of this light-hearted letter to you is,is to befriend you,and to thank you for ALL your noble and honourable doings and making a change in this crazy world even the slightest counts!! Cause in a split sec of intense depression,loneliness,and hopeless there might be the slightest spark of hope that somewhere out there,is someone,that cares,even if its a spark AND this means a lot to more people than we might realize AND best of all, I know GOD made you one of those special care takers! For now I will do my best and bluff myself into happiness by fighting fire with fire and that is one anti-dote even if it takes SOoo Much energy,called- POWERDRESSING' in its extreme, even if you don't have it, fake it and amazing how much love,smiles and joy is out there! Such a pity the hubby an't wanna play happy, but then there is always the doggies and kitties(they do play and love unconditional)the few yrs ago model Benz,the house,the shoes,the Mac,the clothes,and agh,dam I was arm robed in my house locked and tied up for a few hours and all my jewelry stolen, laptops etc. Maybe I put too much value on earthly stuff, at the time and luckily I didn't suffer any emotional trauma (I was alone in the house at t he time)Just felt that sad feeling of loss and anger at the time and put it past me- mostly just beautiful costume jewelry from China but then again stuff I inherited from generations ago.thats sad. In my part of the world just about everyone gets badly mugged sometime or another which just makes you one number more according to statistics- to be expected. For now I really am doing my best to rather focus on other less priveledge people. They come from very poor countries leaving their families behind with hope and faith for a better life here, so many immigrants litterly thin starving. From our last chat I decided to rather put meaning to my miserable existence and tackle life with fearless meaning and 'Kay sera,sera'(spelling?)so while everyone is concerned (me too) about the Rino(still killing them daily!!!Really bad and very concerning matter!!! We all know who likes rhino horn but we love Pandas AND dolphins and feel very strong about all animals and anti Cruelty!! But people need to be cared for too!!!lots of people around the world are soft targets and its so sad to generalize because of their countries political view and so the individual point of view is over ride. So far I have taken in 4people,one of whom is my business partner and a qualified cabinet maker of absolute precision, a builder,painter,plumber,electrician and another youngster(foreneiger) very little English,(Portagese) amongst the 4 of us we have achieved so much fixing houses and dwellings,tiling and so teaching one and another all the trades.They all live here at my home, even in the workshop to the tool shed. See to all that they eat well,create and learn from each other, buy them sigatetts and a beer,clothes and blankets.I use to hide all these people on my property at night cause I didn't want my husband to know (might object)Ann Frank LOL!!Their transport is too expensive back and forth so they can save more.Their spirit is uplifted and have a new lease on life,knowing we are even partners. Wish you could've see our wooden look alike glass showcases,plasma tv screen units all solid wood and thick glass I managed to get a truck(2ton- 6wheels) on a loan basis. I sauce for all scrap wood,glass,steel fibre glass you name it. That truck gets loaded!! My neighborhood is just a normal sub with pretty houses(embassies too)and fancy shopping centers (1 is called Brooklyn shopping centre!) we live behind very high walls and security gates the truck is parked outa sight, all neat and organized. Come mornings I now jump out of bed with a dash, into my jeans(not grandma's)pointy stilts boots,ponytail,nice written T-shirt(love those!) mascara,lipstick,handbag AND flat sneakers for very sandy rocky surface should I fall cause I hate flat shoes ( pumps, ugly!) by late afternoon we all back dusty and dirty but SOoo happy cause we scored so much junk cause I know what I want to do with every piece of 'shit', coffice coffee tables ( industrial / lofty, hi-tech look) I buy nothing for myself (use to be part time in the fashion industry and traveled abroad quite a bit) maybe because I lost my passion of accessories that was stolen,it hurt so much - how materialistic of me,don't even want to think about it, but you may laugh,cause I'm laughing with a tear in my eye too(it was a shop full of stuff!!)I'm getting SOooo happy buying secondhand wood too!! Spare time we make tables and matching benches for ( underprivileged people)painting them bright shiny and colorful,crates,space savers and anything custom made including welding. What I couldn't buy I picked up or fixed,from a compressor,zigsaw,drimmel,clamps,( no industrial plainer yet) I literally started with a plank,a hammer few nails and a poor man with skills. It's now all done at the back of my garden,behind the wall of my outside studio/workroom out of sight and neatly stacked away. My husband does not even take a stroll in the garden never actually does. Computer software development whatever people they are,are very strange cause they only focus on a screen and that is mainly their life and I don't think they care for much else,not even a painting or creating a anything but systems and managements!!have you ever experienced that too?? Very dry?oh, I must say they love music (I never hear or say they ever read a good book or mention even a favorite author) I hear daily that I must rather work for the Salvation Army and stop crying and feeling sorry for this or whatever is wrong. I don't care who thinks what,but if it means I loose popularity in society- if I could care less,but have strong feelings and will go to any lengths to help and express whatever needs to be done or said. What works well is honesty and I HATE lies and theft cause if you could do one you could do the other! I don't have a shop yet,but will soon begin to sell on web,olx,gumtree,etc. Each of us will get our share VERY fairly divided, depending on each guys input. It must be their first best Xmas ever! The uplift of human nature is amazing! They don't want to go home over the weekends(2hours away from here)to wife and kids and really have to demand them to stop work until late,they so dedicated as I am! Cause I do everything together all day long,getting down and dirty full of dust and grime.Told them I will roll in manure for us if it means success and a better life.Would it matter if I told you my 4 guys are black and I am a white woman, just so you know what a wonderful team we are and that they not sensitive neither me,about rational,political or other stupid issues,cause the HEART isin the right place and that is great love,loyalty,respect and FRIENDSHIP we feel towards each other with not a day of serious conflict. My day ends with, 'do you all have enough food now,warm enough,need anything else? Thanks guys for all your work and peaceful sleep. So we all go in our own seperate way happy with the days work. They complemented me and said that never in their lives have they worked so happy and to top it all, for a woman,which they never have,with a 'madam' as they call me, and most of all WANTING to give their best! I realized something very soon and that is, that I am not allowed to get down hearted cause they sense and it effects them so to stay positive and to uplift a group gives you no choice and not to show stresss whether you gonna make the month or not. Imagine a little grim shop/general dealer grocery shop all in one,on a lonely dust road written on the shop wall - coca -cola (got the pic) with few cows goats and chickens walking freely about. It's just there that we stop and buy a couple of fresh warm whole loaves of bread and we just dig into them,each breaking,tearing into a loaf,dry as it is(quite symbolic) stuffing our mouths full AND laughing at the same time! Washing it down with cold coke and that's the only time burping is allowed!! Then one would open the high truck door 'for madam' as always and close it. That is the ritual of the sum of us. No matter where or what, before I always get in the truck the door gets opened for me with a shinning broad smile and so I have given them all my own names for them, with thanks Alie-last-born! The minute we stop, he's at the side of the truck door, opening it for me again stretching out his arm 'for madam'! He's going home for the f irst time in 3 years to Maputo for Xmas. Could 'nt afford it previously before he came to me. Do not for 1 min think I demand any title or vanity I refer to us as the oxen and if we pull the plough together it will mean success for all of us as a unit! It's not about so much the money,it's what it means to mankind and what your purpose is in life! Oh! Yes,yes, I discovered Steven Ramsey on the net, had my guys gather around me in fixed fasination on you tube watching him work with wood! Not one of my guys have a computer and they love what they can learn from it. Made a little office and giving them the chance to explore! They so eager to learn its amazing as they never had worked a computer. They can all drive but say its too costly to go for a license. My. It my goal that this coming year they must all get it. The youngest is about 25yrs up to age 42 and none of them have a lisence. Neither my talented partner and cabinet maker George has a lisence and that was the day that the traffic police stopped us at a random road block asking OF CAUSE... That's another story for another day...but of cause once again our guides and angels were around us as usual cause they are guiding us very obviously and that's NO coincident toooo obviously. If you like my dear friend Rafael be honest if you like my life journey and interested in what's happening on this side of the world. This whole experience has made me very humble and there is so much love going around that one never knows who crosses your path and where it can lead you if you allow it. Quite an experience! Just gimme a quick hi and I will know you have read this or tell me other wise you too busy with life on your side and no of fence! I will still like you as a very nice person and friend!! Lots of luck and blessings,
Your strange and still very forgetful but working hard on it, friend on the other side. Our name in this place were I live is like a dirty word cause other people do strange things to pull this country through the mud! But I innocent. Ignore that. Marina Botha ( that now says it all)
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.
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