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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I feel

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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I feel like i love him but the spark has gone recently and his affection has been turning me off.
I can't stop thinking about this other guy and have really strong feelings towards him. I fear that if i ended things with my boyfriend and things didn't work out with this other guy i'll be alone
Hello. You should not be afraid of being alone. This is a very bad reason for making decisions. If you are truly afraid of being alone and this is what is driving your choices, then you have some of your own issues which you should work on in order to build your self esteem.
You need to be able to separate your feelings based on the guys involved and NOT on your fear of being alone. If you are able to take that factor out of it, you can make a more clear decision on what to do.
Is the spark just gone in your current relationship or is it something more? If there was no other guy in the picture, how would you treat your relationship? Would you try to get the spark back? Are you only looking to abandon trying because there is another guy in the picture? You need to think of different scenarios in order to clarify your feelings and make the right decision.
If you just look at your current relationship, what would have to happen in order for you to stay with him and not have any desire to leave him for another? Is it possible? Ask yourself a lot of these questions. What if you and your boyfriend were able to revive the spark in your relationship? Would you be able to blow off this new guy and concentrate fully on your current situation? The answers to these things will help you decide what to do. If you find yourself discovering that the current relationship is long gone and there is nothing he could do in order to make things better then you need to move on. Not because you have another man and not because you are afraid to be alone, but because this relationship doesn't work anymore, period. Don't let other circumstances dictate your choices. Separate each choice one at a time. What if you were not in a relationship currently and this new guy came along, would you pursue something with him?
Prioritize your decision based on real circumstances, not fears. Being alone is not a reason to make any of the decisions you are faced with right now. Your happiness as a person and being able to be happy without another person in your life should be your priority. A boyfriend can only enhance happiness, not make you happy. No other person can make you happy in your life. If you can't be happy alone, then your issues are with yourself and not another individual.
Choose who you want to be with based on your feelings and reality. Maybe ask your current boyfriend for some space and time to yourself so you can think more clearly about the situations that you face.
Sometimes a new situation seems more exciting just because the one you are in isn't ideal and it's 'easier' to leave than to work on problems. The problems you are having now may not be as bad as you really think because you have a new person clouding your mind. Relationships take work. Are you wanting to leave just because you don't want to work on it?
BotXXXXX XXXXXne is that you need to really sit and think about this. Ask yourself a ton of questions about all of these situations and be honest with yourself about the choices you have and make the right ones based on the right reasons, not fear.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for your response
I will have a think about all of that

If i was to ask him for some space what would be the best way to ask and not freak him out or upset him because i know he will worry and be upset about it?

There isn't really a good way to do that to be honest. You know him better than anyone, so you would have to come up with the best way to do that. He probably will not have a positive reaction regardless of how you say it. BUT you are being faced with a situation which is not an easy one. You have to be careful about just looking for easy things and avoiding difficult ones. Life and relationships are all about circumstances such as this. You have put yourself in this situation, so now you have to make hard decisions which can hurt people. Including yourself. This is why I said be careful and deliberate about every step you are taking here.
Talk to your boyfriend and explain that the spark has faded in the relationship and you need to take some time to think about some things. If he does freak out and want to fix things with you, this should be a good sign. If you don't want to be with him, even if he says he wants to fix things, then you should just break it off with him completely anyway. This is why I said if things were good in your current relationship, would you stay? If the answer is no regardless, then thee is a factor in your decision. Don't stay with someone JUST because you are afraid to be alone. Leave because it doesn't work.
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