Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this concerning situation.
Could you please clarify what you said about her being concerned him causing "physical harm", while at the same time she states he is not a violent person?
he has made the statement that when or if he finds out she is seeing someone else that he would do them harm. She doesn't think that he would try to harm her.
If both of you are adults and divorced, you do have the right and need to rebuild your lives without having to hide not fear about anything, since you are not doing anything wrong, right?
that's right and we both have said this to each other.
Then it is very serious since there is no way for you to build a healthy, normal and fulfilling relationship while limiting your lives to this fear, since there is not guaranty that he would be just fine once he gets a new partner and finds out about you.
so how and what do I say to her, I would like for her to stop responding to his text but I fear she might think that I am trying to control her with demands.
Most times being passive, tolerating and allowing manipulation or intimidation, just enables and fuels further unacceptable control, abuse and dysfunction. I do not see how hiding your relationship, while she keeps fueling their communication could help your situation at all. That seems to be a very codependent, so unhealthy approach.
this is not about controlling her but about setting healthy, clear and acceptable boundaries in consistency with the type of relationship you want to build.
so should explain to her that this texting is not healthy for our relationship.
If what she wants and is willing to share with you is around building a healthy, mature and fulfilling exclusive relationship, then it is obvious that for her to keep this communication with her ex-husband would not help, either to hide the relationship, since it would enable and create an unhealthy situation, from distorting your relationship to empowering any potential form of abuse and manipulation from him.
So I guess for this relationship to flourish and grow, she needs to tell him about me, and to stop responding to his text.
You need to be very clear about your core needs and expectations in this relationship, while she needs to do the same, being fully honest and open with each other, that way you would know how well or not you are able and willing to build this relationship together.
I do not see why an adult divorce person has to inform or explain about her decisions, actions and life to her ex-husband. That would only show a dysfunctional attachment -relationship even after divorce, what could never help her nor anybody in a relationship with her.
You're very welcome.
Thank you for your trust
Please feel free to contact me for any further support