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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello Elliot, I was in touch with you a couple of years ago

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Hello Elliot, I was in touch with you a couple of years ago after leaving my alcoholic fiance. We established that the relationship with my mother (who was physically and emotionally abusive), may have caused me to learn not to be assertive & to be a victim in my relationships. I read books on being assertive & tried to put being assertive into practice. It has worked in my career, but I still allowed the most recent man I loved to walk over me. I have only seen this one man since I left my fiance & even though I was trying to be cautious, I think he too lacks empathy & is narcissistic. I desperately wanted to learn from my mistakes, I see life flashing by and whilst everyone is getting on with their lives, have their families & spending the holidays together, I am still in my own personal living hell of my own creation. I left this man April 2012 because he had asked for an exclusive relationship, told me he loved me, but discovered he was he was still dating & keeping his options open. I was devastated! Since I broke it off with him, he has begged for me back. I have never taken a man back after they hurt me, but this time I did. I thought I'd see if he would change. As I write this I feel ridiculous, because I've heard so many times over, that people don't change. But thought perhaps he now felt what it was like to not have me & realised what he stood to lose, he now might treat me with respect. Every 6 months or so I've given him another chance, but it only ever lasted a day or so before I realised he was still seeking others etc. I've learnt people like him will just say whatever it takes to get some physical attention & as soon as they have their fill they leave you, until there are no other options for them & they are craving it again. Then they hunt you like it is a sport. Because I am not this kind of person, when he has said things to me like "I want us to meet up so we can talk, I want to see if we can reconcile', I actually believed him & took him at face value, because I wouldn't say something like that, unless I actually meant it. It is a long weekend here in Australia. The loneliness I have felt has been so crippling. I have 4 days off work. How was I going to fill 4 full days? I was so lonely, I took myself out, went to the beach and saw all the families etc. I cried myself to sleep. I received a text message from him saying he wanted to talk & reconcile. His message came through at a time when I was at such a weak moment, that I thought if I take the path to the left, which is to face this weekend alone, I am going to be sad & depressed. I am already crying. Or if I take the path to the right, which is to see him, I may wind up sad & hurt (which I am feeling anyway) but there is a chance he might surprise me. So I chose the path to the right. We had lunch & waited on the picnic rug for hours for the sun to go down, so we could see the fireworks. He held me in his arms. I felt like Cinderella. I knew that in a few short hours, something would happen & it would all be over, but was telling myself to just enjoy the moment. To pretend that for the day, I have a beautiful boyfriend who loves me. Whilst sitting on the rug, watching fireworks, with him behind me, his legs & arms wrapped around me & his chin on my shoulder & every few moments he'd kiss my cheek or my hair, I thought to myself, every single girl in the crowd is probably looking at me thinking that I have it all. That I look to have the most perfect relationship, but little do they know, this man hurts me so much. I was so elated to share these intimate moments & tenderness, that when he asked to come back to my place I said OK. When he slept with me, the intimacy was gone. I was thrown around the room like meat. He was heavy handed & rough & when I said it hurt & be more gentle, he didn't really listen. There were no more sweet tender kisses. I have no self esteem Elliot. I would never let a girlfriend of mine, be treated this way. I would find a way to talk sense into her, but why don't I care about myself enough, to talk some sense into myself? We spent the next day together & then the time came for us to part. I was upset because I had been waiting for him to instigate the conversation - the whole reason I met up with him in the first place. But he never raised it & I was too frightened to, in fear it would make him mad or that I would spoil the fun times. As we were parting he wanted to kiss me on the cheek, but I gave him the cold shoulder. Moments after we parted I felt guilty & from the safety of being behind my phone, I sent him a text asking why we never had the conversation. How I slept with him because I care about him & wanted to feel close to him, but now I don't know where I stand. I it hurts to be left hanging. He has not responded. A day has past and no response. I mean nothing at all to this man, yet for some reason, I love him. Why? Alone is painful & being with him is painful. There is no pain free option.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Thank you for remembering me and getting back to me.

Your story is sad, of course. You have lived it before, and I have heard it many times before from people who have been used by narcissist. Sometimes the victims are men, but more often they are women who are charmed by the lies, and manipulated an deceived, and then feel the crush of being used and abandoned.

You are learning the lesson painfully. Because you are trusting, lonely, and hopeful, you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of by a smooth narcissist who is experienced in getting what he wants. It is not so much about sex, but about control and domination.

There was no sweetness or passion, just unbridled lust which reduced you to a state of helplessness that he craved more than sexual release.

You should know where you stand: deceived and used and discarded.

You may still not be able to admit to yourself that you were taken advantage of, but you saw for yourself that he removed the mask of gentility and ravished you and gave you the kiss-off, or tried to when you gave him the cold-shoulder.

Remove him from your life. If you are lonely don't return to the old addiction, whether an insincere man or a bottle of whiskey.

There are lots of lonely people out there and that includes wonderful, kind, worthy men who would respect and cherish you if you ever gave them the chance.

There may be no pain-free option but it is less painful to let yourself heal from your pain then to keep walking into the same spinning propellor because you want to get on the plane and that is the only way in.

This man will never let you heal. You must rid yourself from him for all times.

You would do well to find and read this book. Here is a link in USA. I could not find it at collins books but it is a major book on the subject:

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Kreger, Randi and Eddy, Bill

 

and also this book:

 

 

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Payson, Eleanor

 

You must learn your lesson once and for good, and these books will take you there.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers for strength and deliverance.

 

Wam regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Elliot.

This was the conversation we had a couple of years ago http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/5co1z-just-broke-up.html, where talking to you gave me such strength.

There is something about your words. The way you articulate situations. You hammer the truth home. You have again assisted me with being honest with myself & what I need to do.

Although this journey of gaining assertiveness is taking me longer than I imagined (old habits die hard I suppose), I feel so fortunate that you are here, as you make the process me ending these negative relationships so much easier. I wish I had of spoken to you in April 2012, rather than allowing this to drag on for as long as I have.

Thank you!
Amanda
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXX,

That was so kind of you to say. It was the nicest thing that happened to me today.

Let me recommend this assertiveness workbook to you as well.


Product Details

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Paterson, Randy

 

You will have to find a source in your country.

 

May God bless you and give you strength.

 

Warmest regards,

 

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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