Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very serious situation.
It seems very sad and frustrating
Everything you described shows how deeply distorted is his personality, behavior and ways of sharing,no doubt he has very seious personality and mental health disorders
Does he has psychopathic/sociopathic traits?
Absolutely he does
He presents traits of different personality disorders including antisocial, borderline and narcisistic behaviors.
It is truly very serious because of how distorted and abusive , manipulative and dysfunctional this person appears to be.
He wants to marry me and has done very early on in the relationship. He has produced an engagement ring and introduces me as his ""friend"". He has had flings with past girlfriends while I was back home visiting my family and at the same time by phone pouring out his undying love for me.
He was sexually and probably physically and emotionally abused as a child. He has a history of violence with his ex wife.
I am very sorry to know that, this is obvious painfl and very frustrating for anybody in your shoes
I think I need to end this relationship and have in the past tied to do so but he harrasses me because he knows he can get my sympathy and care. I feel I need to be stronger but dont know how to be.
Unless this person goes through an intensive and long term rehabilitation process, and truly works on making deep changes, it would be impossible for him to develop any healthy and fulfilling relationship.
That woudl show you may suffer of codependency and that's why you allow and end enabling his manipulation ad abuse
He would not change, but you still need to take good care of yourself.
He has attended two sessions recently with a Psychologist and I know he knows he has a problem?problemns but he says he does not know what kind of problems he has. I find this hard to believe because he must know he has a personality disorder or some other mental health issue. He told me he has been treated for depression in the past. He also has lots of other medical conditions for example diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, high cholesterol, prone to depression.
Please, if you have exposed to this person for long and tried to leave and failed, please do not delay getting professional psychotherapy, for you to work on yourself, from sense of self-worthiness, to self-esteem, assertiveness and to rehabilitate from codpendency, to know how to effectively cope with this situation and build a healthy life away from any form of abuse.
I see. Most times people presenting serious personality disorders, do have ore than one and also suffer of different mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions and obviously lead a very dysfunctional life.
I strongly suggest you to join a support group for codependency, it would very well complement individual therapy and allow you to rehabilitate and rebuild your life away from any form or abuse.
When we fight I feel depressed and it has a very negative effect on me but he just carries on with his normal daily activities. I cannot understand this - nothing seems to have any effect on him and I feel so negative. He is negative person bout other people and never says a positive comment about anyone. I have a successful career in a University but feel dragged down to his level many times. He works in the field of technology so has easy access to unhealthy amounts of pornography. He has been asked to leave certain workplaces and has never ex plained the reason to me.
When he gets angry he threatens to pour boiling water over me and has picked up kitchen knives before ""just to prove a point"" he says. I stay very calm at these times but underneath I am so afraid. He also threatens to self-harm..
I am sorry, this is very painful and it's obvious you have had a tough time trying to understand and cope with it, but it is also clear that you have developed a codependecy problem and depression because of the abuse you have been exposed to. There is nothing healthy you coul get from a relatiosnhip like this, you coudl get much more depressed and end ruining your mental health, mood, functioning and whole life if you do not stop exposing yourself to this very ill person
This is all very serious, since it goes from mental, verbal and emotional abuse, to physical violence where your own integrity is at risk, very traumatic and would overwhelm most people in your shoes. Please fo come to terms with reality, start respecting, loving and protecting yourself, there is nothing good you could share with or get from this person, you are literally self-sabotaging enabling his dysfunctions and abuse.
I truly hope you reflect on this and take consistent action getting the professional support you need to rehabilitate from depression and codependency. Please get all the help you could get from your support system, from family to close friends, since it is necessary for you to rehabilitate and protect yourself, this is not an easy process at all, but necessary and absolutely worthy.
I know and agree that I am feeding his controlling behaviour. Maybe that is why he chose to be with me because he could sense that I was that kind of person who would allow covert controlling without realising it was happening to me.
Absolutely correct. This is how it uses to happen. He knows very well who would fall into his game of abuse and manipulation, and will do his best to perpetuate it that way.
Thank you for your expert advice. It has helped confirm my own thoughts and I know how I should proceed to rebuild my life. I have taken your advice very seriously and look to a self-help group to address my own negative feelings of self because of negative influences on me.
You're very welcome. Thank you for trusting me. Please take gentle care and consistent action.
Feel free to contact me an needed since I am here to support you as much as possible.