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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Good morning and thank you for being online. I have learned

Customer Question

Good morning and thank you for being online. I have learned that I am a codependent in my marriage of 34 years. I separated 6 months ago and sought divorce action, reluctantly, but convinced it seemed the only solution. I've joined a codependency group and am recognizing my frailties. My children from my first marriage and I have suffered permanent emotional damage from abuse. I do feel committed to resolving this last chapter of my life so that my children will feel the love I have for them, and I would actually prefer successful resolve in my marriage. After 5 months separation and counselling with psychologist and life coach, my wife came to my condo. I melted. I felt drawn like a magnet. At her insistence and my objection she took charge over me again packing my clothes, etc., insisting we get back together. After all " we've never had serious problems in 34 years". Our beginning was good. Just hugging each other and crying. I knew how much she missed me and I, her. But it got worse continually after that. While driving she heard my phone "buzz" and wanted my password. Then she erased the texts. I said those would be from my children! She replied they wouldn't be important. Then she made a comment realizing I changed my will to reflect my children. And then she said "that's getting changed"! I knew I made a big mistake but it's as though I was powerless! It got much worse. No physical abuse, just overpowering emotional abuse. I left her again. That was a month ago. Just 3 days ago the marriage counsellor I was referred to, called me saying my wife was willing to participate and that I phone my wife. I did and promised to take her to appointment and back. I hope this will help. I am a Christian and I believe I am receiving God's wisdom, even by communicating to you. Simply speaking, I didn't have the balls to prevent this abuse from the beginning of our marriage. My children's lives are shattered! Doubly so since I went back to my wife for 5 days, and I sent "snotty" emails to them at the insistence of my wife. It's like I was powerless. I'm ashamed of myself! Now my children have lost what little trust they had in me. I'm in a quandary. I pray for strength and guidance. Any suggestions or comments?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your story very clearly shows how overwhelming and destructive this addiction we call codependency could be, to the point of exposing yourself and children to further abuse, neglect, manipulation and trauma. It seems you have tried many sources of support but you have been relapsing over and over again. This is the way addictions work,, and that's why the person need too stick to individual psychotherapy and at least one support group, besides of having a healhty and effective support system helping you not to sabotage that easily

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No matter how good individual therapy you could get and help from a support group; if you do not take consistent action preventing triggers and having a concrete plan to cope with temptations, you would always end relapsing over and over again. Remember, this is an addiction. Thus your psychotherapist must have built with you a contingency plan for you to implement as soon as you find yourself risking into new problems or old patterns, like calling him immediately, contacting your sponsor, calling your family support member and more. This is hard work but necessary if you truly want to rehabilitate, otherwise it would not work. It is tough but necessary and worthy. You need to learn to be more mindful and proactive, set healthy and clear limits and boundaries, and be more proactive, taking consistent action without excuse or delay.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see you have nothing more to discuss with your wife, since she has become your "subject of addiction". Doe sit make sense?

Customer: It does but she insists on our being together secretly and I "promised" her I would, again, tonight. I finally gave her my cell number yesterday and she called 20-30 times, usually distraught. I can hardly accept her painful state and yet I cannot allow myself to regress. This morning, I spoke frankly and honestly with her after numerous calls and I did mention I honestly believe she has mental health issues as well as being an obvious emotional abuser. I was shocked that she did not deny and she asked "do you think it began when......" And I replied it began when we married! I am learning to listen to my heart and I want to do what is best. Most important, I want to regain a loving relationship with my children, and I would like to remain married but not in such a subservient, codependent capacity. This morning, I told her I did not want her calling me but I would call this afternoon and bring her up to date on my arrival. From what I've recently read she is narcissistic. You may be right about nothing more to discuss with my wife. Each discussion seems to go nowhere. However, after these comments she seemed to listen and "can hardly wait" for me to arrive. I know I fill a huge void in her life but I need fulfillment, too. And my fulfillment requires the freedom to love my children. I did not want to fail at my second marriage and I am willing to listen to professional advice. I need a sponsor and am looking for one. I don't have a contingency plan but I do need one. I speak to almost no one. I remain alone, going for river walks, etc. but it also gives me comfortable time to be alone, pray and think. And from a physical perspective I notice my blood pressure goes into significantly higher levels now that I'm conversing and visiting. My previous solution has been resorting to drinking wine each evening to forget the pain. Now, I hardly drink anything and I don't want to. I recognize I've been using it as a crutch.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying. I am sorry to see how easily you could self-sabotage, this shows how severe this addiction has undermined your personality and life.

Customer: You are right and I am so pleased to speak to someone who seems to recognize my dilemma. I want to change.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am always %100 honest with people, if you truly want to rehabilitate from this addiction, you should not engage in any further exposure, or you would always find a good excuse to self-sabotage and every work made would vanish, leaving you more depressed and having to work much harder to get to the previous point, pushing away your chances for rehabilitation.

Customer: Thank you. I would like to communicate later this week. I will be careful. And I will follow your advice - contingency plan, sponsor, etc.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your wife is like cocaine, you could feel instantly god for a little while, happy and fulfilled, loved and relieved, but then as fast as it came , this illusion would go away leaving you even worse than before using it. Thus there is no way for rehabilitation but not to use the drug, not exposing to it at all, or you would fool yourself, self-sabotage and relapse over again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know that. Please take gentle care and consistent action. I will be here to follow up, and to support you as much as possible.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Good morning, did you receive any reply from me this past 15 mins.? I sent two but I don't believe they were actually sent. I don't know how to find them on the website. There's no indication they have been sent or they may be in limbo.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It is very frustrating. I don't know what happened nor how to find it.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I responded to your website, Black Belt something. It's a hindrance.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My email is indicating I have another answer from you but nothing appears. I've notified your website asking for confirmation of my concern. Response expected in 4 hours or less. I'm glad this is not a crisis but it might be for some people if they experience these challenges. The procedure for response is unfriendly! I responded at length and sent the reply to you. If this continues I will cancel my subscription but please do not be offended.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
914 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach