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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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We have been dating for two months. He is great, we have an

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We have been dating for two months. He is great, we have an amazing connection, and he treats me like gold. He was engaged to his only girlfriend that he has had other than me. She broke it off to years ago, reinitiated things, and then broke up with him again. That was about 7 to 8 months ago. We were talking since I was engaged too (I broke it off for good reasons) And he mentioned that he still have the ring. When I hast him why he said he hadn't thought about it but that he guessed if he ever got back together with her he would give it to her. This set off alarm bells. I told him he needed to take some time and think about what he wanted and to get closure. I went for a walk because I was kind of upset and told him I wanted alone time and when I got back he had called her. I asked him why and he said he needed closure. I told him to take some time and decide what he wanted and that I wouldn't talk to him until he contacted me again. Before I left his house he told me he was so sorry and that he wanted only me. But that he needed some time to close up some loop holes. He asked me to give him two weeks. Should I wait? Not necessarily dating wise but emotionally, should I wait?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

Customer: It's ok. Just not sure what is going on inside this man's head. I've never dated a guy who has only had one relationship! He's 28 by the way
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your relationship is still very young, and past relationships did not end too long ago. Also he has had this history of ending and restating the relationship with his ex-girlfriend, and the fact he has kept the ring and told you he kept it in case they get back together, was not just a red flag but an obvious behavior showing you how attached he is to this person and his expectations and hopes about a possible reunification.

Customer: So end it?
Customer: Or wait?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times first relationships are very irrational,people get too attached, and easily deny core issues and if the person is not mature enough, then multiple problems could happen. His present behavior around the ring clearly shows what he is still expecting about this person, what obviously does not show any positive thing around the stability and seriousness of your relationship.

Customer: So should I wait until the two weeks are up and see what he has to say or should I end it now by texting him?
Customer: I guess I see the issues. I just don't know what my plan of action should be
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you truly believe this person is worthy as a boyfriend and that he is being totally honest towards you, and are willing to afford challenges and the risk of a broken heart, then you could give him the time he asked for and see what happens. Other people in your shoes would just not feel comfortable nor respected at all when aware of such situation and end the relationship, while other would set a boundary and make it clear that after such period of time, if he is not clear, respectful and responsible in the relationship, it would have to end.

Customer: Should I ask his friends for advice? They definitely like me and I've met one several times.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be helpful as long as they happen to be mature and assertive people. Most times out of loyalty friends would not say negative things about each other unless they happen to be really assertive. I[d say that it is always useful to get as much feedback and information as you could from those who know him, just be careful not to take everything you hear

Customer: Because I'm inclined to end things but I want to be fair to him. I can't imagine how she hurt him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Whenever you see a pattern is what you hear, then you could better know there is something concerning abou it

Customer: Ok so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to just tell his friends I'm inclined to end things unless they think I'm really best for Brent. We all want what is best for him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say that the bet cautious approach would be to give him this time and then depending not only on his words but on his concrete actions and commitment, you would decided if it is worthy, healthy and something you want, if he really meets your core needs and expectations in the relationship or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he comes back telling you he wants you but continues to present behaviors that do not match his words, like keeping the ring, deep attachment and hopes about her and any other similar behavior, then it would be better for you to reassess if you truly want to stay in a relationship like that, since not even real respect, sensitivity, honesty and caring would be present to build it healthy and in fulfilling ways.

Customer: So don't ask any of his friends for advice?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say only to those who you know are mature and healthy individuals, who could provide objective suggestions instead of mostly protecting him and whatever he does because of their friendship.

Customer: Hm ok yea I guess it could backfire. Ill just wait. That way he can wonder if I miss him.
Customer: Last question...aside from selling the ring what clues am I supposed to get that he's still into her? I mean obv asking him might not be the best option
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he truly deserves you and wants to work in the relationship, his consistent actions would show it, otherwise you would know it is not healthy nor worthy.

Customer: Ok. I guess I'll just wait another week.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The communication he keeps with her, things related-from the relationship, fantasizing about past hopes around her, not being truly present and committed in your relationship, no showing real openness and honesty when talking about his feelings and what you are working on building together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good. I support you and hope things work for you. Please feel free to contact me as needed, since I am here willing to support you.

Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.
(Please do not forget to rate the session. Thank you).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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