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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2173
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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My wife can get angry easily, she also assumes what i say in

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My wife can get angry easily, she also assumes what i say in a bad way
she acts like we are a couple just when we are at home together( no we dont live at the same country)
she hates if I asked her anything about her job, and start being so furious and I am not that kind of calm guys
I can snap in a second

I have tried to talk to her many times, and I have gone with her to romantic vacations and tried to explain things to her
in the begining she used to admit that what she is doing is wrong but now as I am tryig to control myslef not to snap when she get angry , she started to overreact and say that this is who she is , it is up to me to take it or leave it
and she not going to change and she twists the truth and make me guilty all the time
I am really fed up with her attitude, and i wish if i can do something to help her to change it
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 9 months ago.
Hello and thank you for consulting JA, I am sorry you are going through this uncomfortable situation.

There is nothing you can do to change her attitude. You only have control over your own attitude, behavior and response to her. She was right when she said "it is up to you to take it or leave it". The only way she can change is to acknowledge her problem, want to change it and seek help through therapy.

You may be able to learn to be calm with her behavior and not snap if you sought therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you to look at your reactions, help you think about things in a different way to prevent your snapping reaction.

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy solution....but there is not....it takes time.

Best wishes to you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Thanks for your reply,


but I snap easily with her, as she use a very insulting language with me


which I dont belive any one would stand , we have been married a year now,and it is just getting worse and worse.


 


she acts like she is a single, she wants to take all decisions by herself considering it is affecting her own life.


If I asked anything about her job, she would go crazy and accuse me to interfere in her job and then start the list of insults and challenging attitude


I can control myself for an extent but not to keep hearing the same insults in every conversation


It seems like we are in a war zone, everything can cause an explosion


just to be fair now she is facing some health problems (hormones issue)


, but the thing is she was like this before that and getting worse.


everything is out life is being affected.


she speaks to me like I am a her colleague or a stranger she just met


she doesnt speak to me and show her tenderness.


I feel sometimes when I talk to her like I am talking to one of my male friends


 


we were about to get divorce many times, and she always pushed me to reach the divorce point, then she starts to cry and beg me not to leave her


and she would promise to stop and that she does not know why she acts like this and push me to my limits while she knows she can get us divorced


but at that point she feels that she has to defend her self by being stubborn and escalating things more and more


 


Please advice


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 9 months ago.
There is a book written about people with her personality type...it is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I would recommend reading it for more details.


http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You--Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1380925384&sr=1-1&keywords=i+hate+you+don%27t+leave+me
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

so you think she has some kind of disorder personality?


I just had a phone call with her, and she escalated things and asked for some time to think it all over, this is all because I just asked her about something related to her job which she asked me in the first place about it ?


I am really confused

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 9 months ago.
Yes, I do think that this personality disorder fits the description that you give. This intension confusion that an interchange with her results in is more evidence for this. Another book you can look at is Walking on Eggshells. There is a complete chapter on communication with the person. There is also a workbook for dealing with a BPD person. It is a very complicated disorder and I would advise you to look at one of these books and see what you think.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

ok one more things


 


in many of our fights , when i reach that we have to divorce, she used to ask me if I wil get married again, and when i say yes, she used to say she will kill us both ,and she said this also when we are calm and discussing our fights in order to solve them


and many times she said she would jump off the window if i divorced her


and I really dont know if she mean this as well


but she can go crazy in a way makes me scared and feel she can harm her self


and she would admit her anger that she can not cntrol her self and does not know why she is doing this


 


I keep thinking I may also doing something to her that get her so angry , but I can not find anything I do that is so extreme with her


 


and what I hate now, that I reach a point that she is getting the worse out of me


I dont want to get physically aggressive with her, because this is not me


but I feel sometimes that I wanna punch her in the face to stop her talking


(which i never done) but I am so afraid to reach that one day


and It will kill me as I never been aggressive with any woman in my life before


 

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 9 months ago.
It would be best if you understood the dynamic of her personality. This will help you to stop your aggressive feelings. Self-harm is the hallmark of BPD. If she has harmed herself in the past, she may do it again BUT it is not your fault. If she has harmed another in the past, she may do that again too. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I am sorry you are caught in her web and you may need to find a way out of this situation. It is probably good that you do not live in the same country.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

i dont know if this could add to give you the full picture


but we both come from different back ground


she is european and I am arab, we have the same religion as she converted to islam before i met her in 2 years


she was married twice before me


andn with her second husband she used to tell me that he was aggressive to her at the end and she told me she used to curse him and use a very bad language with him


and after we got married , she start cursing me and using a bad language with me


 


and honeslty I used to trust her, but now i feel she is hiding things and she didnt tell me the truth about her life and her past


 


she denies many things we agreed on before marriage and she claims that she never agreed on them


 


I dont know what to do ?she keeps telling me that I am the love of her life and she been married twice but was not for love, but now after she met me she wont let me go ,but all her actions are showing me the opposite and now I start questioning everything told me about her ex's


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 9 months ago.
Unstable relationships....another symptom of BPD. She is maniupulating you and trying to make you believe that you are manipulating her. This is called projection:

Here is some beginning reading....
http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/06/projection-and-borderline-personality.html
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2173
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Dr. Bonnie and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
I would like to have another opinion

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