I checked for more escort calls and the night 2 weeks I had spent in the city also had escort calls on his cell phone. The same pattern of several short calls.
I spoke with him calmly this morning and asked him to talk to me about what triggered the drinking again (I found him in his den last night passed out with a beer and put him to bed so the cat was out of the bag on the drinking front). He said he had just been down, starting really with the weekend. He said he had drank yesterday while he was 'home sick' from work and that he made a mistake and wanted to put it behind him.
I told him that I knew that there was more and he needed to level with me - I'm his wife and we need to be honest with one another so I can help him. He told me he drank another night this week and said it was when I was away.
I then asked him what happened - did he just came home and drank the night I was gone and he said yes. At this point - lying to me to my face instead of realizing he should come clean - I was furious but maintained my cool because I didn't want the conversation to disintegrate into a shouting match or me crying. I told him to try his story again. He said he went to the hotel bar across the street from his job and drank afterwork (another lie on technicality - the hotel he stayed at is actually on the other side of Manhattan about 5 avenues away, not across the street from his work).
I kept saying 'and then what happened' and he said he didn't know what I meant. At that point I told him that lying directly to my face was disrespectful all over again and I reminded him to be honest with me and he said he didn't know what I meant.
Then I laid it out on the line and said that I knew for a fact that he stayed overnight in a hotel, had emailed women on Craigslist Casual Encounters and had called escorts (didn't disclosed that I saw a charge for the escort or that I had seen calls on his phone on the same night as when I was out of town 2 weeks prior). He said 'how did I know that' and I told him that I investigated some things after seeing how he was last night. He tried to focus on how I got the information but I directed him back to the real issue at hand. He told me that he called an escort for someone to hang out with because he couldn't hang out with anyone who knew he was drinking (all his friends and family know he's in recovery).
I then persisted in asking what happened next and he kept telling me he was so drunk he couldn't remember much. That she showed up and they just drank in his hotel room for an hour (there were a $150 and a $100 charge pending on his credit card so that's a lot to pay to just hang out for an hour but then again it is NYC). I calmly pressed him for more details like what they talked about, what she was wearing, etc. and he said he couldn't really remember - which from a behavioral standpoint makes me think that he couldn't remember because they didn't actually talk and instead he had services.
I asked him what he had expected to happen if the Craigslist contacts had panned out - their postings had clearly been for sex, not companionship. He said he didn't know what would've happened. He says he knows he made a mistake. I asked him why he didn't just call me - he was literally in the city while I was in the city in my hotel room working only 20 blocks away - and he said he didn't want to call me as he knew he couldn't ignore the drinking craving and was going to give in and didn't want to get into a fight about it where it'd blow up and everyone would know he was off the wagon and think he'd ruin everything. So instead, he ended up doing worse.
He still claims that he didn't do anything with the escort other than talk. he also told me he loved me and he knew he made a big mistake. He asked what happens next with us. I told him these 4 things will happen.
1-I will have access to all financial, email and cell accounts to review his activities. He's shattered my trust and is going to have to prove that nothing else is going on. Of course, he can always be creative and open a new free email account somewhere but he needs to still agree to this.
2 - Since I know that he called escorts when I was out of town 2 weeks ago - he doesn't know I know that - I told him that he needs to come clean about everything ever since we've been together (10 years dating until we got married this month). He asked for 24 hours to get his thoughts together and said that he just wants to move on and that it's not necessary if I need to know everything but - if I do want to know everything - then he said I'm probably not going to like it and he won't have any answers as to 'why'. I'm giving him the 24 hours so he'll be coming clean about everything tomorrow.
3 - Then I told him that we're going into marriage counseling and he has 24 hours to tell me everything now, lay it out on the table to me honestly because if anything EVER comes up that he didn't tell me about then it is instant divorce. I can't trust him now and I'm not sure how long - if ever - it'll take to earn my trust back. I don't know if counseling will repair things enough for me to continue with this marriage. However, I need to know everything now and in detail so we can work it out in counseling.
4 - I told him we're also both going to get STD tests today because now I don't know if he's endangered me or himself. At first he resisted and said it wasn't necessary but I insisted and he acquiesced.
He was very concerned if this would stay between us or if I would tell his family. Two years ago when he hit rock bottom with drinking I reached out to his younger brother for help and he was furious that I did that. It was necessary and I have no regrets. I find it sadly ironic that he is concerned that his family will find out given that his dad had a length affair with a friend of the family when my husband was growing up. He has been damaged by that entire situation for years (it was someone he actually had to go take care of after school as she supposedly had cancer) and yet he still has decided to have his own indiscretions.
I feel so stupid, embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened. One month to the day we took our vows he was calling an escort. We had some rocky points during our 10 years of dating but things became incredibly strong the last four years. He has had unacceptable behavior before when he has gotten really drunk (fell off the wagon a year ago and made short calls to a few sex lines while up late drinking when I was asleep in the house) which I flipped out about and now I feel like I was a fool for not seeing that as a sign earlier.
I have a mountain of debt on my credit card and no savings right now because he was unemployed April-July while we simultaneously had the expenses for our wedding so I'm not financially in a position to just pick up and leave. We're married in New York and it's a no fault state and I actually make more money that he does (about double) so if I leave him would he have alimony rights despite his transgression while I'd still have to pay off my credit card debt from our wedding? I just don't know what to do.