How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi there, My husband and I have been married for 8 months,

Customer Question

Hi there,

My husband and I have been married for 8 months, but have been together for 8 years. During our engagement, I found out he was "cyber cheating" on me online with multiple girls (more than 5) and always had this suspicion because he always locked his phone and wouldn't let me see what was on it. He got drunk one night, and left his phone unlocked, this was when the bombshell hit and I found out he had been cheating on me (over the internet) since the beginning of our relationship - even when I was pregnant carrying our son, right up until our engagement (my son was 3 when we got engaged).
We worked through that and I forgave him, but it took me a long time to learn to trust him again. I asked him to delete all the messages, contacts and email accounts associated with his cheating - he promised he would and told me he had. I wholeheartedly gave my trust to him the day we got married.

I then discovered 2 days ago that he had a yahoomail account that he forgot to log out of. I was curious, opened the Inbox and found all the old dating sites he had subscribed to in his "cheating" days STILL active, and he was still receiving emails from and he was STILL looking at them. I then decided to check our web history, low and behold I find he's been stalking his ex gf on FB for the last few weeks. I confronted him today about the whole thing, and he just threw it back in my face, saying he hasn't cheated and that I can trust him - my point is though that I didn't accuse him of cheating I am accusing him of lying and keeping secrets from me. I'm so furious and have lost all the trust I had for him yet again. I know he has not cheated, but the fact that he lied to me about deleting that old email account, and all the crap dating sites AND he's stalking his ex gf his a kick in the guts to me - he might as well have cheated. I'm lost, confused and don't know what to do. And this is just the tip of the iceburg :(
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 6 months ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

I am sorry to hear of this for you. Clearly this is a significant issue within him and one that needs to be looked at in therapy for himself.

Coach Jen K. :

it is possible that he cannot control these impulses and needs to look at this behavior and understand it.

Coach Jen K. :

the fact that he blew up at you indicates that it touches close to home for him.

Coach Jen K. :

if he is married to you with a child then why stalking the ex on fb.

Coach Jen K. :

and he says he hasnt cheated but what he is doing is being unfaithful

Coach Jen K. :

it becomes about what you are willing to tolerate and whether he will go for treatment and if he wont what you will accept

Customer:

Yes I truly believe that he cannot control these impulses, and have repeatedly asked him to seek help by speaking with a counsellor, he says he will but his other biggest problem is he doesn't follow through. All talk and no action, and frankly I'm sick of it

Coach Jen K. :

yes because if he goes to see a therapist then he will have to confront this behavior and he clearly does not want to.

Coach Jen K. :

again it comes down to what you are willing to tolerate.

Coach Jen K. :

get help or....you fill in the blank here.

Customer:

I don't want to tolerate it anymore it is get help or I will divorce you

Coach Jen K. :

well then you sound pretty clear.

Coach Jen K. :

I like your strength

Customer:

I am a pretty strong person

Customer:

Quite driven and a high acheiver

Coach Jen K. :

I can hear it and it will serve you to get through this space with him

Customer:

My downside though is I feel I'm too empathetic

Coach Jen K. :

set the boundary for yourself and live within that...he can either respond or not

Customer:

Do I give him a timeframe?

Coach Jen K. :

well your empathy is a great thing but that doesnt mean it needs to minimize you and your life

Customer:

That's a great way to put it, I never looked at it that way before

Coach Jen K. :

whatever feels comfy for you around a timeframe. doesnt take that long to find a therapist as you say all talk and no action...so lets get some action.

Coach Jen K. :

and you display empathy by giving him the opportunity yet again to get help.

Customer:

I also need to get some of my own therapy....he's really put me through the ringer the last 8 years

Coach Jen K. :

you havent walked out on him and are willing to give it more time as long as he does his part...but to what end?

Coach Jen K. :

self sacrifice? I dont hear that from you.

Coach Jen K. :

tell him what you need around this and what your boundary is...he can either do it or he cant and then you have the data from which to make a decision that serves you and your child

Coach Jen K. :

yes and support for you is a great idea. glad you reached out here

Customer:

Yes I need to look at it just how you put it, I just can't fathom not seeing my son 247 if we do split and I think that's why I've let it slide for so long

Coach Jen K. :

would he not reside with you most of the time? primary custody with you?

Coach Jen K. :

and you have let it go because you love him and care for him and have hope...these are not bad things...that makes you loving and wonderful.

Coach Jen K. :

he is a lucky man and needs to be reminded of what he will lose unless he gets treatment.

Customer:

Yes you are right, I need to let it go, my son cannot continue to hear us argue like we did this morning, I felt so bad

Coach Jen K. :

it is sad for both of you. figure out what works for you...put it out to him and give him the opportunity to get help.

Coach Jen K. :

then you can make whatever decision feels right for you and your son

Customer:

OK yes I will do that, and this time I will hold him accountable to what ever the outcome is

Coach Jen K. :

sounds like a good plan. and get yourself some more support as well and you can always come to me anytime you need

Customer:

Thank you Jen, I really needed this, someone to talk to who isn't biased, you have really helped me :)

Coach Jen K. :

It is my pleasure. I am here to support you. Let your gut guide you

Customer:

Yes I will for sure, I will keep you posted on my progress I am hoping for the best outcome, however if that doesn't happen then I will be OK with that too

Coach Jen K. :

I am here when you need and I am rooting for whatever will be the best outcome for you and your son. You deserve a happy and fulfilling life...get out there and create it.

Customer:

Thank you so much :)

Coach Jen K. :

my pleasure. Please take good care and of your son too. take a moment to offer a rating of my work and thank you in advance. I am here if you need. just ask for CoachJenK only and it comes to me.

Customer:

Will do thanks again

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 months ago.

jkjk

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 6 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.

Hi Jen, sorry my son was playing on my computer and must have found his way here somehow lol but I may as well update you on my situation with my husband.


 


He still hasn't followed through on my request to remove the email address and seek help by talking to a therapist. On the day I spoke with you I texted him and asked him not to come home as I needed space. The next day he came home and we had quite a lengthy discussion. He did say to me that he didn't want to jeapordise our marriage and after spending time apart could see why I was clearly upset. He apologised and I told him my boundries and asked him to delete the account and seek help from a therapist - which he has not done to this date.


 


I am really over having to mother him, and follow up with him like he is my other child. I am at my wits end with him and just don't know what else to do other than follow through with divorce. I'm frustrated, sad and angry and just feel disrespected.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 6 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.

Thanks heaps I definitely will :-)

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 6 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency