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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Help, what do I say to someone without hurting their feelings

Resolved Question:

Help, what do I say to someone without hurting their feelings that I want to slow down the relationship. This guy I have been dating for only about three weeks is so in love with me and I am not in that same place. I find it hard to jump into a relationship that quickly. He has been married three times before and I wonder if he is just in love with love. If I do not reciprocate his feelings he answers that he wants me to catch up. I have seen him for five days in a row and the last day he invited me to dinner at his house and we ended up in bed and that is not me...don't get me wrong I love to be held and loved that was just against the grain...I didn't sleep well that night. But he sent me an email asking me if it meant that much to me as it did to him. He thinks that we are an "item." I just need some space and a time to relate to him as a friend...friendship and see where it may lead. Now he probably thinks that I am going to continue the intimate behavior with him. He lives close so he comes over without calling. Help..it is a little scary for me. I am 66 and so is he. Smothered
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello. I am sorry to know about your situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can sees why you are this concerned.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your story clearly shows a person who does not seem to be very emotionally mature, but very needy and possibly codependent, to the point of creating and attaching to expectations he create this fast and deeply within himself, pushing and overwhelming the other person.

Customer:

What should I do? How do you back up and start again or maybe not...he is not attractive to me after this behavior, he also wants to shorten my name to Gin instead of my asking him to call me by my name..Virginia

Customer:

I do artwork and have been trying to set up a website and he has offered to pay for anything to get me going with it. He is just so gun-ho it is scary...what to do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you said makes perfect sense a healthy and fulfilling relationship takes time, sharing and work, it cannot happen instantly, otherwise you cannot know how good match you really are, your compatibility from core values, beliefs, needs and expectations. His behavior seems very childish and nothing healthy for sure.

Customer:

So then what is the answer? I don't want to even go to his place again to get into the situation. I couldn't sleep when I got home..I feel that I opened a can of worms and I don't know what his reaction would be if I explained it to him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Be totally truthful with your self and honest towards him, confront those behaviors that are just incompatible and or uncomfortable for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Set healthy boundaries and limits and let him know in very clear words what you need and expect from a young relationship, how it should work for you in order to find out in the process if it could truly evolve into something deeper or not, that you do not feel comfortable with the way it is right now, and that you want to build a friendship first.

Customer:

I find myself saying things to him that he expects to hear that are not really true...and one of his pet peeves is someone who do lies. I find it hard to confront people.

Customer:

c

Customer:

Can a guy relate to going back to a friendship stage after having sex?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I believe this challenging situation is showing you how much you need to work on yourself, to eradicate this codependency problem in order to be able to take good care of yourself and develop healthy relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times they do have a hard time with that, but your situation should be about how to take good care of yourself while not fueling a dysfunctional relaitonship with this person, since it would not help either of you.

Customer:

In other words tell him what I need and how I feel and what he does with that is his problem..right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can and should only take full responsibility for your own feelings, actions and choices, while he needs to do the same, but that's something only he can control.

Customer:

I do want to be in a relationship, but I do not want to be overwhelmed and loose myself in it. Respect and integrity are very important to me. I can and have managed by myself and am a strong person for it...independent. So I am not crazy after all LOL

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sure you are not, and that's why you need to be truthful and consistent with yourself.

Customer:

So I should just tell it like it is and let the chips fall, I just hope he takes it the right way. I find that his behavior has turned me off. I find that I need to work at a relationship, if I am attracted to someone I need to work at attracting him. So maybe that is why his attention to me is so uncomfortable. he is over the top.

Customer:

I could tell him to cool his jets...lol

Customer:

So how do I say it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right :o) You can only be totally honest, respectful and proactive; if even then he does not take it well, that's something he would need to work on himself, and not something you need to fix or change in yourself to please what is obviously unhealthy in his ways of sharing,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Clearly, honestly, in simple words, being respectful and supportive but not codependent at all.

Customer:

Ok hope it goes well, I am going to email him...so that I don't see his face, guess I am a chicken when it comes to that...He already reads into my silence in a conversation as having something be wrong, he even came to see me at work because he felt something was wrong cause I said goodbye to him quickly at my door...I had to get ready for work. I was surprised to see him there. do I have a crazy person on my hands?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you have a very emotionally immature and codependent person who could have other mental health issues affecting his ability to develop healthy relationships and even to take good care of himself. Most times people like him would not react in a nice fashion to any form of reality check, confrontation or not ego-pleasing approach, but you cannot afford self-sabotaging in order to make his ego happy.

Customer:

Gosh..now you have really scaring me. but has stated that he likes honesty and that would be a good approach to start the conversation. Okay...another question.. when a guy takes you out and spends money on you do they expect to get sex, or should I say they make you feel obliged to give in do you get my drift?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times if they are not assertive enough, they would expect that for sure.

Customer:

oh..so what should a girl do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The assertive approach is always to be clear, honest and open from the very beginning in order not to fuel a codependent and dysfunctional relationship, setting good boundaries and confronting unacceptable behaviors. Obviously if you do not feel comfortable at all because of core serious issues, you need to stop getting deeper into it and redirect your actions towards friendship if that's what you want or to move away from it.

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach