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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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After 16+ years of marriage, 3 years after moving to a new

Resolved Question:

After 16+ years of marriage, 3 years after moving to a new town, my husband asked if I wanted to invite one of his female workers out with us for supper. I've met her once, she is married; however in her past 3 months of being in the corporate office, her husband has been away. What is a wife suppose to think?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a challenging situation, and the best approach it depends on the way you feel, the level of trust, harmony and intimacy in your marriage, and how healthy the friendship with this person could be in your lives. What is your biggest fear about it?

Customer:

He has never asked to have another "woman" join us for supper. Two years ago, he was away on a business trip (electrical Superintendent- Getting his electrical license for another state). Let me know he was having 2 people come to his room to study for the test he had to take. One was a gal and the other a guy.

Customer:

The guy did not show. He told me the gal was a large black gal that was married and had two kids. He returned and a few weeks later on Valentines day, the gal called him and talked to him for over 30 min. A few weeks later she requested to be his friend on face book. She was married, was not black and only had one kid. The picture with the face book had two 20 year old gals, very white, young, and thin. When I asked if this was the gal he studied with, and which one she was. He said yes, but he did know which one was her (the blonde or brunette and told me he was afraid I would think something was up if he didn't tell me she was black. His dishonesty bout ripped us apart and now I'm concerned of his interest in me and wondering if he is "done." So again, I guess my question is, should this "invite" be a concern for me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this past episode, which was not a product from your imagination but a concrete fact, where your husband was dishonest and spend that time alone with this other woman, and told you a very different story, while he got close to this woman as you later found out.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then based on this concrete issue, I do share your concern that it would not be a good idea for you to support his plans since he could use this "tolerance" to openly justify further closeness and intimacy with her, and that is soemthing you do not feel comfortable with for sure, and you would not want to afford allowing nor enabling his dishonesty and lack of loyalty for sure.

Customer:

So, you are saying I should be concerned about this behavior and should not encourage further engagements or meetings with this gal, and possibly with her husband?

Customer:

I'm not sure how this is suppose to work; however, I feel I still have not gotten an answer and I have to leave for work.

Customer:

I really wanted to know if this "Normal" behavior of a man in a committed relationship? Please advise.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a married person to develop work relationships and from there friendships with another married person is not abnormal at all, it is many times necessary and positive, as long as these relationships happen to be respectful, healthy and consistent with good boundaries around what is acceptable or not for all people involved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For example for a married man to develop close work relationship and friendship with a female coworker, leading to developing friendship with her husband and close family, where both families could interact, share and enjoy their friendship together is an ideal scenario that should be promoted, since it allows people to build good social networks beyond their families.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Problems start when the married person develops closeness with a coworker without respecting boundaries, which start by not being honest with his/her own spouse.You said her husband has been away for the past moths and now suddenly your husband seems to know very personal things about his coworker and wanting her to go there, which is a behavior he has never presented in the 16+ years you have been married, and when aware of previous incident where he lied to you about this other female while in his business trip, that was with him at his room, that you only found out about reality because you saw how they were sharing using social networking online, and they communication during Valentine's day.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus there has been a concrete episode in the past and there are red flags int he present. You need to choose if you want to take the risks of allowing this further closeness or not, aware of the potential issues that could happen. No way to know for sure if he is lying or not, you just know that his behaviors are suspicious, and time will show you if he has been honest or not towards you. Now you have the right and need to choose if you want to support their closeness by allowing her and then her husband to get closer to you or not. These behaviors could be considered normal, but if he happens to be dishonest and manipulative, then in such case we could consider his actions as distorted, unhealthy but, unhappily non uncommon nowadays. This is why I said that the approach a person in your shoes should take would depend on your specific reality, previous history, level of trust, respect, intimacy and understanding present in your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus while for some couples extending their social network this way would be just perfect, promoting their marital well-being because of having a healthy, solid and mature marriage. On the other hand, for other couples it could be risky and damaging, since it could be used to manipulate and betray a spouse, while making her believe they are just taking good care of a healthy friendship.

Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
4:00 PM
For a married person to develop work relationships and from there friendships with another married person is not abnormal at all, it is many times necessary and positive, as long as these relationships happen to be respectful, healthy and consistent with good boundaries around what is acceptable or not for all people involved.
4:02 PM
For example for a married man to develop close work relationship and friendship with a female coworker, leading to developing friendship with her husband and close family, where both families could interact, share and enjoy their friendship together is an ideal scenario that should be promoted, since it allows people to build good social networks beyond their families.
4:18 PM
Problems start when the married person develops closeness with a coworker without respecting boundaries, which start by not being honest with his/her own spouse.You said her husband has been away for the past moths and now suddenly your husband seems to know very personal things about his coworker and wanting her to go there, which is a behavior he has never presented in the 16+ years you have been married, and when aware of previous incident where he lied to you about this other female while in his business trip, that was with him at his room, that you only found out about reality because you saw how they were sharing using social networking online, and they communication during Valentine's day.
4:26 PM
Thus there has been a concrete episode in the past and there are red flags int he present. You need to choose if you want to take the risks of allowing this further closeness or not, aware of the potential issues that could happen. No way to know for sure if he is lying or not, you just know that his behaviors are suspicious, and time will show you if he has been honest or not towards you. Now you have the right and need to choose if you want to support their closeness by allowing her and then her husband to get closer to you or not. These behaviors could be considered normal, but if he happens to be dishonest and manipulative, then in such case we could consider his actions as distorted, unhealthy but, unhappily non uncommon nowadays. This is why I said that the approach a person in your shoes should take would depend on your specific reality, previous history, level of trust, respect, intimacy and understanding present in your marriage.
4:30 PM
Thus while for some couples extending their social network this way would be just perfect, promoting their marital well-being because of having a healthy, solid and mature marriage. On the other hand, for other couples it could be risky and damaging, since it could be used to manipulate and betray a spouse, while making her believe they are just taking good care of a healthy friendship.

Does it make sense?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Rafael,


 


I need to re-rate you. When I got the e-mail, I had not seen your final post. I appreciate the feed back and will take what I consider to be the necessary precautions, regarding this relationship.


 


I appreciate your "Good Service" and would change your feed back mark as such.


 


I've been told I shouldn't dwell on past events; however, I feel that, turning a blind eye to incidents is what causes us to be careless and get ourselves into predicaments we SHOULD and COULD have seen coming.


 


Thank You Again for your Service,


 


Jewels

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
I am glad to know o=you were able to read my reply, and that it has been this helpful. I support you and hope you could learn and grow stronger from this experience.

Thank you for your rating.

Sincerely,

Rafael
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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